March 31, 2009 - Tuesday
It's Tuesday night, I am tired and I know that I'm fighting a cold or something. I took a nap at lunch today and when I got home from work I dozed off for 1/2 hour. My body is telling me to rest. I really don't want to rest but I think that at this point I have no choice.
Having a choice. Now there are some words. And having no choice is another set of words.To be able to choose between two or more things may be great or it may be confusing, especially if when you choose one option you cannot have the other options. Ya better really think that one over!
Having no choice can be really bad or really good depending on what the circumstances and outcomes are. To be deprived of something you want is awful. But then again if you have no choice then you don't have to think about it. You know what you have and you live with it. Sometimes when I listen to non Trans people talking about us Trans folk they sometimes view our lives as a matter of choices. You chose to be a woman. You chose to have electrolysis, You chose to go on hormones. You chose to have your bottom surgery. I think they think it's like you are in a "Transgender" store and you push your little cart down the different Transgender aisles and "Choose" the products, processes and outcomes that you want. "Look, here's a good deal on electrolysis! Wait, here's laser!" "Ooooh, hormones! I loooove these hormones!". Whoah! The heavy duty stuff, bottom surgery! Maybe not now but later." You fill your cart with the products that you have "chosen" and you head for the checkout line....When you are done shopping then you are a woman! If you aren't done shopping then you stay in that Transgender store or go back to it again and again in a kind of a state of limbo...
Everybody has their own stories and views. Here is mine. First, I didn't choose to be a woman, I just am one. Yes I chose to pursue steps to physically become a woman because I want my body to match my mind and spirit. It's not like I was a man and then decided to become a woman which I think is the way most non Transpeeps think when they think about a person such as moi. Yes, I did "play the part" of a man and I might have done a good job of it but I was always thinking about being a woman. Always.
I would be driving my family on vacation or on a trip somewhere and all the time I am driving I am thinking of being a woman. When I went to dressy summer functions I would look at the ladies in their little spaghetti strap tops and heeled sandals and their cute dress/outfits and be sooo jealous as I wore a stupid suit and tie and goofy shoes. And every single time I made love to my wife I would fantasize that I was the woman engaging in sex. It was sooo confusing for me physically living one life and secretly living another way, way deep down in my soul where no one else ever went but me. Let me ask you, do you think that I chose this life? Who in their right mind would "choose" to live like this???
You finally get to a point where you can't take it anymore, You finally accept who you really are and you deal with it. This is why I have taken steps to physcially alter my body and reform it into a more feminine shape. Did I choose to do this? Yes, I chose to do something about my predicament. but did I choose to be like this??? Yes, I chose electrolysis but I wanted to get rid of my facial hair. It's incredibly awful to see those #$% beard hairs grow back every single #$% day. Did I choose to hate those hairs? Yes, I opted to take hormones but when you hate your manly body and want desperately to change it that is what you must do. You really don't have any choice.
Now I am closing in on getting my bottom surgery. After 2+ years on hormones my penis still somewhat works but it just doesn't belong anymore. I've finally unleashed my deeply buried sexuality and it's not manly at all. I want a vagina and a clitoris. It's getting to the point that I have to have it. What kind of man "chooses" to remodel his penis into a vagina??? Not too many to my knowledge. It's not because we "choose" to have bottom surgery it's because we really have no choice. I want my vagina and my clitoris and I am waaay done with my penis and my testicles. It really isn't a choice...
So getting back to choices and no choices, being Trans I've learned a lot about these phrases and their ideas and thoughts. And you never really know what "choices", if any, someone else has or what they are going through or what they are carrying around deep in their soul.
With that thought I choose to rest and go to sleep. But wait, do I really even have a choice on that???
It's Tuesday night, I am tired and I know that I'm fighting a cold or something. I took a nap at lunch today and when I got home from work I dozed off for 1/2 hour. My body is telling me to rest. I really don't want to rest but I think that at this point I have no choice.
Having a choice. Now there are some words. And having no choice is another set of words.To be able to choose between two or more things may be great or it may be confusing, especially if when you choose one option you cannot have the other options. Ya better really think that one over!
Having no choice can be really bad or really good depending on what the circumstances and outcomes are. To be deprived of something you want is awful. But then again if you have no choice then you don't have to think about it. You know what you have and you live with it. Sometimes when I listen to non Trans people talking about us Trans folk they sometimes view our lives as a matter of choices. You chose to be a woman. You chose to have electrolysis, You chose to go on hormones. You chose to have your bottom surgery. I think they think it's like you are in a "Transgender" store and you push your little cart down the different Transgender aisles and "Choose" the products, processes and outcomes that you want. "Look, here's a good deal on electrolysis! Wait, here's laser!" "Ooooh, hormones! I loooove these hormones!". Whoah! The heavy duty stuff, bottom surgery! Maybe not now but later." You fill your cart with the products that you have "chosen" and you head for the checkout line....When you are done shopping then you are a woman! If you aren't done shopping then you stay in that Transgender store or go back to it again and again in a kind of a state of limbo...
Everybody has their own stories and views. Here is mine. First, I didn't choose to be a woman, I just am one. Yes I chose to pursue steps to physically become a woman because I want my body to match my mind and spirit. It's not like I was a man and then decided to become a woman which I think is the way most non Transpeeps think when they think about a person such as moi. Yes, I did "play the part" of a man and I might have done a good job of it but I was always thinking about being a woman. Always.
I would be driving my family on vacation or on a trip somewhere and all the time I am driving I am thinking of being a woman. When I went to dressy summer functions I would look at the ladies in their little spaghetti strap tops and heeled sandals and their cute dress/outfits and be sooo jealous as I wore a stupid suit and tie and goofy shoes. And every single time I made love to my wife I would fantasize that I was the woman engaging in sex. It was sooo confusing for me physically living one life and secretly living another way, way deep down in my soul where no one else ever went but me. Let me ask you, do you think that I chose this life? Who in their right mind would "choose" to live like this???
You finally get to a point where you can't take it anymore, You finally accept who you really are and you deal with it. This is why I have taken steps to physcially alter my body and reform it into a more feminine shape. Did I choose to do this? Yes, I chose to do something about my predicament. but did I choose to be like this??? Yes, I chose electrolysis but I wanted to get rid of my facial hair. It's incredibly awful to see those #$% beard hairs grow back every single #$% day. Did I choose to hate those hairs? Yes, I opted to take hormones but when you hate your manly body and want desperately to change it that is what you must do. You really don't have any choice.
Now I am closing in on getting my bottom surgery. After 2+ years on hormones my penis still somewhat works but it just doesn't belong anymore. I've finally unleashed my deeply buried sexuality and it's not manly at all. I want a vagina and a clitoris. It's getting to the point that I have to have it. What kind of man "chooses" to remodel his penis into a vagina??? Not too many to my knowledge. It's not because we "choose" to have bottom surgery it's because we really have no choice. I want my vagina and my clitoris and I am waaay done with my penis and my testicles. It really isn't a choice...
So getting back to choices and no choices, being Trans I've learned a lot about these phrases and their ideas and thoughts. And you never really know what "choices", if any, someone else has or what they are going through or what they are carrying around deep in their soul.
With that thought I choose to rest and go to sleep. But wait, do I really even have a choice on that???
