"Looking Back at My Life and Now...Perspectives, Especially Relationship Ones..."

2009 is coming to a close. So is the first decade of the 2000s. As time marches on we find ourselves getting older and sometimes our perspectives change on things. Being Transgender most likely will add to the perspective changes. After all, we are essentially living another life as we "start all over again" in our "new" gender.

Yes, when we first get the courage to dress as our "new" gender all kinds of thoughts run through our heads, in my particular case going from male to female. "Do I look ok ? Do I look like everyone else? Do I stand out too much? Heck, I wanna wear a mini and heels! Why shouldn't I? Do I have too much makeup on? Is that guy looking at me? Are those teens laughing at me? Wait till the other girls see my outfit! I wonder what they will be wearing? Is it possible that I "pass?" Will people make fun of me? What if someone I know sees me?Omg! There's so and so from work! It's awesome to be out and about dressed like this! I'm sooooo scared!!! I can't go out dressed like this!!!! Why am I doing this? WTF am I doing? Am I more than a Crossdresser? Am I really a woman? Am I fooling myself? Heck, I can beat this thing! I can go back to being a man... No I can't!"

Lots of thoughts like the above continually blitzed my mind as I ventured into the "other side." First it was nervousness, then an acceptance of sorts (yes, I do like being a female and yes I am a Crossdresser ), then comes the doubts and the insecurities (Deja is way cool to hang with but she doesn't pass. I don't want her to out me simply by being with her.), the hurt and retaliation (So what if I don't pass? Actually neither do you, fantasy girl".) then the acceptance that you are really way more than a Crossdresser , then the electrolysis, the hormones, the taking steps to begin living in your "new" gender, the going full time, the changing of your documents to reflect your "new" gender. The losing of some friends and family who do not/will not understand, the acceptance that you are really Genderqueer who expresses in their "new" gender. The peace that comes with each acceptance and the accepting of others. Lots of stuff to go through, huh?

Then comes new relationships. These are hard for anyone but are even harder for Transpeople. Oh, let me tell you, there are lots of men out there veeeery interested in being with us Transwomen but at the same time they are scared to death to be seen with us in public. For lack of a better word, she-male porn is a huge internet commodity these days. We are definitely sought after but sadly it's mostly just a fantasy in men's minds who just cannot muster up the courage to have a relationship with us. Even if we find someone who is not afraid to be seen with us in public, in front of his friends and family there is still reservations. One good friend who is male told me recently "Yes, I like Transwomen but I just cannot see myself in a relationship now with someone who is going through their second puberty. The insecurities are too much to deal with at this point in my life". He's got a good point. Us Transwomen do have issues with insecurities and such.

Trying to hook up with women is another problem for most Tranwomen. As one good friend who is a Transwoman said to me "I don't want a woman like your average Lesbian. I want a woman who will dress more feminine and wear makeup". Good luck with that search!

S'funny, a lot of Transwomen who are Lesbians like to wear dresses and wear makeup while the majority of Lesbians do not.

I think what it comes down to is that most of us Transpeople are looking for straight men and straight women who will be our S/O. Currently, this is a toughie as most straight people prefer other straight people. Ibelieve that this will change in the future as we become more visible in society but we're not really there yet in most cases.

Again, relationships are wicked tough for everyone but even more so for Transpeople. Some Trans, however, do find love within the Trans community. I have seen MTFs with MTFs and FTMs with FTMs and MTFs with FTMs and these are pretty solid relationships, but some Transpeople do not want to be with another Transperson. This kinda floors me as these people want straight people to accept being with a Transperson but they themselves won't accept being with another Transperson. Hmmmm... On a recent post in Facebook I brought up the thought of possibly considering being with another Trans when looking for a partner and I was blasted for even bringing up the thought of "settling" for another Transperson. I was taken aback. I believe that love can be found anywhere and after all, don't Gays hook up with Gays and Lesbians hook up with Lesbians? Why not Trans with Trans? I guess that it's all relative and a matter of preference.

But whatever anyone says I will respect their point of view as I know that my POV changed many times on many things in my life, especially since I began living my Trans life openly. There really is no right and no wrong, there really just is. It's a matter of POVs and perspectives and where you are in life. It's really all about life. Now we will enter 2010. I wonder what lies ahead and how my perspectives will change.

Looking Back to 1999 and Comparing Ten Years later!!!

Wow!!! If we could go back in time 10 years or so and if you showed me this pic and told me that this would be me in the future I would have great trouble believing you! I was soooo in the closet in 1999! Oh, I was always thinking about expressing female back then but I stuffed any thoughts that I had way down deep in my soul so that no one would ever even think about me that way. It scared me and I was confused so I only brought out these thoughts every once in a while and it was only in my mind, never to be shared with anyone else. As I look back to 1999 I recall my fears and my repression and I find it so sad that I felt this way back then. I was truly afraid of expressing who I am and of being me. I was scared to death!!!

In 1999, I had 6 years in my present job, my 3 children were 21, 17 and 15, my ex was beginning to flourish in her career and things were pretty good. We owned a nice, older home in a very nice area and had just remodeled the kitchen with a breakfast bar and a bay window and built a spacious two car garage which could also easily hold tons of stuff. My band was gigging locally in town and other gigs not too far away and we would have parties a few times a year with my friends and family and many musicians would show up and play during the parties. Life was getting good, we had more money (up to that point we were scraping bottom to make ends meet!) and the ex and I were watching our children grow into adults. My son was situated in New Orleans, my daughter was getting ready to attend Vassar and my youngest son who has Asperger's Syndrome was beginning to learn how to deal with being an Aspie. Things were shaping up!

Even though I was very busy being a husband, father of 3, maintaining a home, 3 cars, gigging regularly in the band, throwing parties and dealing with all the many other things that go along with everyday life I would still go way deep in my soul and think of being female. I had Deja in a box and she only came out while I was driving when I would think about being her or in the bathroom mirror when I was all alone in the bathroom and staring at myself in the mirror wondering what my life would have been like if I had transitioned years ago. I was waaaay deep in the closet but the thought of me becoming a woman was always there.It was like a forbidden fantasy, or so I thought at the time.

My biggest push to explore my femininity was September 11, 2001 when the twin towers and the Pentagon were hit. Up to then I always told myself that i will deal with myself later, after all I have a family to think about supporting and I knew that my ex would not tolerate me being female and I was way too scared to do it anyway. But when the thought of me suddenly dying and not ever being able to express myself hit me big time. I could not bear even thinking about going to my grave never exploring who I truly was.After all, what is life about? What is it for? Why repress a huge part of me and never let her even be?

Of course the answers was that I was chicken and that I knew that Transgenders were not accepted by most people and many of them have difficult lives in regards to family support and financial woes.This would definitely be a huge step to take!

In 1999 I was moving into middle age and into the middle class. I had lots of friends and my ex and I were looked upon as having the perfect marriage. My ex and I began to take nice vacations together like Caribbean cruises, trips to Las Vegas and St John's in the Virgin Islands etc. Up to then it was usually family vacations which were fun but the children were doing their own thing then. Yep, I was settling into middle life and then pow!!!

So 9/11, therapy visits, visits to the local Transgender support groups, exploring myself as female, wearing makeup, wigs, dresses, heels, accessories, learning how to act ladylike and getting used to presenting female in public were now occupying more and more of my time. I moved out in spring 2003 and then I immediately became Deja more and more of the time. I had been deeply repressed for decades and now the floodgates were open and I just poured out Deja more and more as time went on!

Now I am looking at this above pic and I am thinking about how my life has changed in sooo many ways in the past 10 years. It's pretty incredible!!! Oh, there were very awful times during my transition with the lack of support from my family but I hung in there and it's slowly getting better. I hope so anyway. But there was also the incredibly wonderful moments of experiencing new things from the female perspective. Even with the loss of some family support I am still very happy with who I am and it is sooo nice to be abe to express myself after decades of very scary and sad repression. I am who I am!!!

But still, if you showed me that pic above ten years ago and told me that this would be me and that I would be living as a woman full time, still working at my same job, preferring men as my lovers and having my pic taken at an LGBT bar with a scantily clad young man I'm sure that my mouth would drop all the way to the floor!!! Yes, there certainly have been some changes the past decade!!!