"Lights! Spring! Transactivism!"

It's finally Spring! Yay!!! The flowers are coming, the leave on the trees will soon grow, the sun will become warm, all will be right again!!!
There's also Transactivism in the air! In Connecticut this past Thursday there was a hearing on the Trans rights bill. I didn't attend but I did submit "my story" via email late Wednesday night. It was to be read on Thursday during the CT legislative session. Earlier in the week on Tuesday, St Paddy's Day, I was at Love Makes a Family, the group that was largely responsible for making same sex marriage legal in CT. LMF was filming me and my positive story of transitioning at my workplace. This filming was to be a vehicle to help people understand the needs for Trans rights. LMF is now supporting Trans rights. Yay!!! It's nice to have an established ally on our side!
Last night I picked up Keri and Ann and we headed off to Pittsfield, Massachusetts where Justin Adkins and Gunner Scott hosted an MTPC, Massacusetts Transgender Political Coalition, meeting. Gunner has the MTPC thing going on in Boston and Justin wants to start a branch for the western MA Transfolk. MTPC is working for Trans rights in MA.
So my Transactivist streak has been turned on lately. I'm even considering NCTE Lobby Days in DC in late April, I've lobbied a few times before in Washington, DC and it's quite an empowering experience.
Just a few short years ago I was hopelessly lost in the closet. At the same time the Trans rights groups were also in a kind of closet. Oh, they were out there doing their thing but their efforts weren't really known to the world, even the Transgender world. But now things seem to be wide open. There are Transpeeps visible everywhere and the lobbying efforts are solidifying and there is a very good chance that we can make some real legislative headway this year. The whole Transgender movement seems to have come out of the closet and into being a viable, known force in the political world! The times they are a changin!!!
So Spring is in the air, there's Transactivism everwhere, I'm smiling and energized as my pic above shows. This was taken last Thursday at Real Art Ways in Hartford, CT. It was a piece called "A Thought at the Edge of a Continent". I liked the piece and I considered it a playground for the mind. Besides I like lights!!!

"Welcome Back to Transland and Male Attention..."

It's been quite a week. Physically I didn't do much but mentally I have been all over the place. It's been about a month since I've been in contact with the Trans community and I ran into it full force this past week. And maybe it's something in the air, but I have been hit on by several men via internet dating venues this past weekend.

First the Trans re-entry. Early in the week, I reunited with my very good friend Keri who was away with her wife on a deep Caribbean vacation. Keri told me about the events on her cruise and then we got into Trans related issues.Lately I've been reading Julia Serano's "Whipping Girl" and I came upon Julia's take on "passing". Julia doesn't like the concept of "passing" because the underlying tone of the word implies that we are "fooling" someone or "tricking" them into believing that people like us "really are women". Passing makes us seem like deceivers...

Personally I think that passing should be a Crossdresser word. You know, a man who likes to dress and go out in public. When they are mistaken for women I would say that they pass.The word works fine there.

But when you come to us who have transitioned then passing really loses it's meaning. How can you "pass" as a woman if you really are a woman? When you are in your correct gender there is no "pass" or even "fail" You just simply are you!!! I believe that passing has no meaning in a transitioned person's vocabulary.

From Thursday on I was hit with lots of Trans contact. Thursday was a support group meeting which focused on religion and being Trans. That a potentially explosive subject but everyone was very polite with their differences. It was very respectful and we did go onto other subjects without incident.

On Fri/Sat a Trans girl I haven't seen in a while told me that she was coming out at work and asked me for any tips. At first I was congratulating her and giving her my take on what to wear and the bathroom issue and the wrong pronouns issue but as I re read her email I thought that I picked up some doubt in her own words. Then i questioned her and told her to pursue these issues with her therapist. We had several emails back and forth and I'll think she'll be ok. I just wanted to make sure that she was ready and that it was the right time for her to transition.

Saturday brought me to a therapist visit. A couple of months ago I had taken a rather short test and the results finally came back. The results showed that I am neither male nor female. Also my therapist had a separate chart that divided all Transpeople into about 5 or 6 categories. Not surprisingly, I didn't completely fit into any one category. I've always felt different from anybody since I can remember and I've never felt exactly like any other Transperson that I've ever met. The chart thingie proved that. The other test I just dismissed. My therapist kinda did too. The test was originally set up to test heterosexual men who were having possible gender conflicts. I really don't see myself as a heterosexual man. I used to up until about five years ago but now I see myself as a heterosexual female who "Minors in Lesbianism".

My therapist also let me quickly take the Doctor Doctor test (Yes, apparently there is a Doctor whose last name is Doctor!!!). This test was clearly a test to see if a person is a Crossdresser of some sort. I quickly read the questions aloud and answered each one aloud. Not surprisingly I "failed" the Crossdresser test.

Saturday night was another Trans support meeting. This particular support group has a wide spectrum of Transpeople from very closeted Crossdressers to Transitioned Transwomen. It's a wonderful group and there is a pleasant aura during the meetings. We may all be at different places on the gender line but we all know that the valuable asset to have is self acceptance no matter where you are on that line.

Now to the resurgence of male attention in my life...

Friday night my last summer romance man called and we chatted for hours just like the old days. It was wonderful conversing again and then that dreaded low battery sound hit my cell phone. When I heard it I told him that he was going to lose me soon and then the talk quickly turned to how much we miss each other. Before we really got into expressing our feelings my phone battery died...

Saturday morning suddenly brought several emails from several men who wanted to meet me. After questioning each man on what they wanted in a relationship three of them admitted that they just wanted sex. Scratch those 3!!!!

Now I am "down" to 4 men who claim that they want to meet me and if things are right, possibly have a relationship. Currently I have dates with two of them and the other two haven't come up with a firm date yet. They may never do so. And the ones who have set their date with me may or not show up. I know this from past history from dealing with other men and I always email the man a day or two before the date to see if we are still on. But even if the dates don't happen I still enjoyed the male attention even if it's only for a brief while. I know that it's a line but still it is nice to be called beautiful and pretty and for a man to comment on how he likes my profile makes me smile. Especially if he comments on something in my profile. That means that he actually read my profile and likes my words! Yay!!!

But I don't have high expectations. As always I try to be realistic as I do in every facet of my life. I just try to make the best of what I have and to try to keep my positive attitude. And my smile...I love my smile and I never want to lose it, never...

my last 2 posts on myspace and yahoo 360

February 11, 2009 - Wednesday
"The 2009 Hartford Vaginas and Moving on..." Current mood: awake

Last weekend I performed, once again, in the Hartford Vagina Monologues. It was fun, as always and it was a nice respite from my job which is getting worse and worse. It's not just me, it's getting worse for everyone at my workplace. But 'nuff said about my workplace woes!!!!

Except for a brief appearance at a Super Bowl party (2 hrs anyway) and a night of Madonnathon at Mohegan Sun Casino I have not seen or spoke with any other Transpeople for just about a month. It's cold and snowy here in Connecticut and people are just staying in, (so far it's been a pretty bad winter here in the Northeast), and folks are just plain avoiding the unpleasant winter weather.

A late January storm canceled a Trans meeting and my very good friend took a cruise with her wife so I have just been going alone in this big world by myself for a few weeks. And you know what? It's not so bad! A lot of my time was used up by VM practice and the shows. I was the only Transperson there this year so I just kinda melted in with the other females. It was nice spending evenings with 30 other women. Actually I got very used to it and now that the Hartford VMs are over I feel a little empty without my new found friends. Actually we all are feeling a little blue and there's already several emails of meeting in the summer when the weather is much nicer. This particular group of "Vaginas" became really close this year, more so than usual. The spirits present this year were more connected than in the previous years.. Yes, I was hangin' with the genetic girls! And with me not talking to other Transpeeps for about a month I kinda found a place in the "outside" world and my thoughts turned to different avenues.

I actually felt a disconnect from the Trans world and a stronger than ever connection to the big "outside" world. It doesn't feel so outside as it used to! Except for Cate, my work buddie who carpooled with me every Vagina night there was no Trans talk at all, and Cate just asked me some basic questions as she never knowingly met a Transwoman before. But even that was very brief and most of our conversations were about non Trans subjects. I felt really comfortable with myself and even stopped thinking of myself as Trans!

One night last week, after I got home, I suddenly became furious with the thought that I wasn't born with a vagina. I felt cheated and robbed of growing up as a girl. S'funny, whenever anyone would ever ask me if i could go back to any age I've always said "Two!!! I would like to be a two year old girl and live my life all over again!!!" Well, last week I finally met the pain of being denied my girlhood. I was angry for about 20 minutes. Then I realized that I couldn't do anything about it now so I was resigned to the fact that I never had my girlhood. I never got a chance to grow up as a girl and if i ever even thought about it back then I was sooo confused and sooo ashamed to even be thinking about it!!! It was truly denial first class!

And it was a very painful feeling and tears soon took my anger's place. I sobbed for a while that night... I saw G for the first time this year just last night and I told her about this instance. She told me that I was greiving the loss of my childhood, my female childhood that I never had. She was right...

I think that I've gone to another level in my life struggle with gender. It almost feels funny labeling myself as Transgender anymore. I'm even having second thoughts about introducing myself as Transgender now. And I was such a proud "Out and About" Transperson even just a few weeks ago!!! My thoughts have shifted and I suddenly feel completely different about myself. I think that I am growing into who I am... Maybe it was my Vagina buddies, maybe it was a month without Transpeople or maybe it was just about time that this happened....Welcome to another chapter of life, Ms Deja Nicole...
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January 26, 2009 - Monday
"Don't Get Discouraged!!!..." Current mood: contemplative Category: Life

Sometimes it feels like life is just giving you annoying little troubles one after another. It's certainly not enough to drive one over the edge but it sure can stop your smile for a while. We all have our things to deal with and we all have our lives to live. Sometimes it may be easy to get caught up in the negativity and seemingly hopelessness of certain situations but we must always remember to stand tall against these little drawbacks and deal with them. We should examine these instances and hopefully learn something from them and don't let them drag us down. It's part of life, a not so nice part, but a very real part...

So we have to learn to take the bad with the good. To wait out the bad times and to relish the good times even more when it's their turn. It's easy to not fully enjoy the good times but when you have been on a downer streak and then the good times suddenly pop in your life you should be ready to rejoice and hold on to those wonderful up moments!!! Even if it's only a smile from a stranger or reassurance from a friend, or a nice story, a pretty painting, a moving musical piece, a silly joke, a hug, a kiss, you know the stuff that makes life worth living!!! You know, the warm, satisfying smiley feel good times!!!

It's easy to be a little blue on a cold, dark, winter Monday night. The joys of the past weekend have vanished except for memories and the week ahead looks like more cold, more dark and more blue. But as the week moves on I find new energy as the weekend approaches. The weekend for me is a time where I can relax and have some fun. It's a time for me and darn it, I deserve that "me" time after a week of not so nice times. Oh, the week isn't all bad, there are some very nice instances throughout but the strain of everyday duties does wear one down. Hallelujah for the weekend!!!

It's really all how you look at things and how you feel about them. I try to minimize the bad parts and play up the good parts as much as I can. These are the things I do to keep myself happy. Oh, it's nice when it comes effortlessly but there are those times when I truly have to work at it! They say that happy people don't really have better lives than others, they just know how to get to that happy place and to not dwell on the unhappy place. Tricks like surrounding yourself with things that are positive and that make you happy (thx, Jazzi!) or making some quality time for yourself where you can enjoy music or the arts or sharing time with a loved one.!!!

There are also hobbies and pursuing new interests, you know, learning about new things (and this world sure does have them!!!), writing, chatting, dancing, singing, playing sports, dreaming about a wonderful vacation spot, or just a good old back rub or hot bath are calming, wonderful ideas to get to that happy place. Life is full of ups and downs. There are the exciting moments, the joyous moments, the estatic moments and then there are the sad moments of deaths, loss and rude awakenings. It's all part of the same package. We all have the same basic things to go through with and deal with. You can't let the bad stuff get you down. "Don't get discouraged." is the advice that my Mom always gives me. And darn it, I will not get discouraged! Oh, I will be sad when the time comes and I will cry and I will feel unhappy when the blue times come but I will also be ready for the sunny, happy times too!

Hey! This is my life and I am going to have my share of happiness as well as my share of unhappiness!

There truly is a time and a season for everything!
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Mother's Day 2008 "I Try to be good but I Like to Cheat!"

Last Sunday was Mother's Day 2008. I visited my Mom like a good daughter should. I came over early and she had me planting Impatiens with her. Both neighbors from both sides came over to say "Hi!" and everything was cool. No tense moments, no trouble, just a good neighbor chat. Mom is getting real comfortable as me being Deja her daughter. She even calls me Deja now! Well, except when she is talking to my children. Then I am "your father" and "he" etc but all in all, Mom is accepting me very graciously and with love! Yay!!!!

Mom even gave me the top I am wearing in the pic above. I remember when she would give me male clothes to try to butch me up but now she knows that she was fighting a losing battle. Now I get a woman's top!!! I am so happy and so proud that she accepts me now!!! Yay!!!We had a very nice day planting the Impatiens, drinking Manhattans and ordering out dinner from Chili's. Mom likes the baby back ribs! Hee hee!!!

After dinner Mom went into her freeaer and pulled out 2 Klondike ice cream bars, one for her and one for me. Yes, I know that they are 17g of fat and too many calories but as my Mom bit into hers she said with a smile "I try to be good but I like to cheat. And besides, it's Mother's Day!" We both laughed and we happily ate our Klondikes!

It was truly wonderful sharing the day as Mother and Daughter! On the way to her house that day I had to drive by a cemetary. There were lines of cars going in and coming out, no doubt, children visiting their Mom's graves. How sad I thought as I drove by and I started to tear. I felt so bad for those who do not have their Mom around anymore. I am sooo lucky that I still have mine. I count her being alive as one of my biggest blessings! And for her to accept and love me??? I am truly blessed!!!

PRIDE pics!

When I posted my May 5th entry I couldn't upload a pic. Now Blogger will let me upload so I decided to do 5 pics. I guess all bogging venues can be fickle at times!

"Noho Pride 2008!!!"

This past Saturday was my 5th Northampton MA PRIDE and once again I had fun. I did miss 3 of my friends who were very sick and it was a little sad to not have them there. It's truly fun to share experiences with your friend but these 3 were not available today. C'est la vie! I guess.

There was an opening parade and I always march in it. I marched with the Trans Pride group and we got the crowd going really good a couple of times with our chant "Hey hey! Ho ho! Transphobia has got to go!" We chanted that over and over and it built up this incredible rythym and drove the crowd wild! People were cheering and smiling and dancing and it was awesome!!! I love to march in a PRIDE parade and get people wound up!!! It is sooo wonderful expressing yourself!!!! One of my sick friends later told me that we were on the local TV news and the local paper and they made note of our chant. Hee hee!! I was the one who started the chant! Call me a PRIDE motivator!!!

But the parade did end and I had to scurry back to be at my Trannie goup's table. After all, the crowd was looking to check all the vendors/participants out!

So I ran the UniTy site all by myself. Lots of peeps came by to scope out what freebies I had to give away. Since one of our benefactors is big on Aids prevention I was given two good sized bags of "One" condoms. The design on the condoms were pretty cool and there were several different designs. Plus the package itself was round, not square, and they were rather attractive. I received lots and lots of compliments on my "cute condoms". Hee hee!!! I was making jokes like "No, these are too pretty to open up. I'd rather go without sex then to tear these little pretty thingies open!" or I said "These are so pretty I'd hang them up on my wall!" Or "Maybe I should wear one as a button?" Hee hee! I am such a happy, playful child!
It was fun and I loved my colorful giveaways!!!

But there was one semi awkward moment. You see, there were two little girls, about 6 yrs old or so, who's eyes were caught by my table of colorful condoms. I watched them look through the colorful varieties and they were happy and smiling. I don't think they knew what they really were, they just liked the "pretty little circle thingies' that I had. One of the little girls looked at me with the cutest eyes and asked me "Can I have one of these?"...

Um, I was like "Yikes! She wants a condom! What do I do?" But she looked so sweetly and I always have trouble saying "No." to a child so I said "Okay." Her and her friend each took 2 each and they were happy with their little colorful, cirle treasures. I'm sure there was a lively discussion with their parents later on... Oh well!!!

I saw a lot of peeps I know and I saw hundreds of new faces who stopped to chat with me. I also passed out notices for an LGBT Prom for the High School kids. It's just like any other prom except this is designed for LGBT kids and their allies. Girls can go with girls and boys can go with boys and crossdressing is permitted. It's a really neat idea as it gives the young LGBT folk a chance to really enjoy a prom instead of trying to appear straight and feeling awkward. I will be a chaperone like I was last year. It's so cute to see the kid's smiling faces and the young Trannies are so cute in their gowns and tuxes! It's a wonderful idea and a lot of fun!

As PRIDE Day wore on and the weather was chilly it was time to retreat to a restaurant. In the restaurant was tables of Lesbians and Gays and we had our little Trannie table. Hee hee!!! Of course I engaged in conversations with the adjacent Lez tables and found there were friend connections bewtween our two tables. Then another Lez came up to me who recognized me from last summer when we were both at P town. I suppose that i am kind of an unforgettable type of person being 6'2" and being an MTF with a low voice and a smile and a spirit that just shines. Hee hee!!!!

So the NOHO PRIDE has come and gone and once again I had a blast attending, participating and being a part of this wonderful event. And the smiling faces, the laughter, the happiness that PRIDE brings justs fills my soul right up to the tippety top! I still smile when I think about it!

"On the Go to Noho Pride!!!"

It's Friday and I stayed home from work since Tuesday. I was attacked by some bug that made me sleep, sleep, sleep. I went to my Doc yesterday and she suggested a blood test for Mono. Hmmm, who have I been kissing lately???

Tomorrow is Northampton, MA Pride. This is the first pride of the year in my area and although it's small it remains one of my favorites. Northampton is a college town, Smith College to be precise and Smith is a women's college with a very open Lesbian population. When you visit Northampton (Noho) you will sense this. It's a wonderful place for nouveau Trannies to practice their new gender skills and ways. Noho is very accepting and I've never had troubles there. I learned a lot by "practicing " up there and I consider Noho to be kind of my "home town". This makes the Pride even more special.

My first Noho Pride was 5 years ago in 2004. It was exciting and wonderful and I was in my glory dancing to the lively music and giving out candy to the crowd as I marched in the Pride parade. After the parade I worked in the UniTy (Transgender) booth and explained to people what Transgenders were. We've come a long way in 5 years but we still have a long way to go. I feel blessed that I am in the wave of Transgender growth as we assimilate more and more into society. It's really a historical movement of a misunderstood group of people who span all nationalities and cultures.

I am an open Transgender. By that I mean that I freely admit that I am Transgender and I go about my business and people see me going to work, going to the grocery store, shopping at the malls, going to concerts, going to the doctor's, everywhere! as Transgender. I feel that this is important that people like myself do this because it puts a face on the word "Transgender" in society. In the "old days' Transgenders (Trans) were taught to never admit that they were Trans. They had to constantly keep the facade up that they were not Trans.

It was deemed critical to their "success" as their new gender that their "old" gender was never to be found out. It's like they never lived before their transition. How can one erase their life up to now? As you can imagine, this carried a lot of baggage and problems with the "old school" Transgenders.

But today is a different world. People are more open and accepting. Oh there are people who don't like us because we cross gender lines and break some kind of imaginary rules or whatever but for the most part, I find that people are ok with Transgenders.

So Saturday I will be celebrating with other Transgenders and Lesbians, and Gays and whoevers as we partake in the Pride. Yes! Be proud of yourself! Do not be ashamed or afraid of who you are! You are you! This is how you were made!