"Who Am I?"

"Who am I?" Did you ever ask yourself "Who am I?" Try asking yourself that. Then ask it again and again and again.

I found that question with many other questions on an empowering questions video on the net. The questions were pretty interesting but this by far is my favorite one "Who am I?"

Everyone should ask themselves this question over and over and over again. It's probably the most important question to ask yourself. It's especially important to me Especially because I am Transgender.

You might start answering that question with other questions, what do I do, who do I love, what do I say, how do I react to things, what do i love, what makes me happy, what makes me sad etc. Or you could try to describe yourself. You could describe yourself physically, or mentally or spiritually. Or you could focus on your dreams, your thoughts your words, your actions. There are many ways to think about who you are.

My first answer to this "Who Am I?" question is "I am Deja." Not only do I mean this literally, as in this is my name, but I also mean it in describing who I am, what my thought processes are, what kind of a person I am, what i do (not as a profession but as what I do in life as I live everyday) what makes me tick, why I smile frequently, why I laugh several times throughout the day. All these things make up me, who I am. Deja to me is more than a word, it is a way of life. It is the way of my life.

I got off on this provocative question because I was thinking of my life and since I'm Transgender, the lives of others who are Transgender. When you are Transgender eventually there will eventually come the questions of should I transition, am I ok with where I am now, am I not ok with where I am now, would it be better to transition, would it be better if I didn't transition? How about, would I stay the same even if I transitioned???

I have seen many people transition and a lot have shown great happiness when they transitioned. But I have also seen not so happy people who have transitioned. And then there are the ones who were originally happy and then somehow lost their happiness.

I've seen a lot of folks rush into transitioning with electrolysis, laser, hormones, and body modifications. It was almost like they were on a high with all the new changes and then when they went as far as they could, the high somehow got lost. I've heard several people say that after all the changes and the transition that's when the hard part begins. I think what they are speaking of is that's when a lot of folks start asking that question "Who am I?" It's funny because one would think that that should be the first question to consider when one is thinking of transitioning but in a lot of cases i don't think it was. I have seen sooo many girls just focusing on what they have to do to become women that they never really explore who they really are. It's only after the transition fact that the "who am I" truly hits them. Maybe that's why they lose their smile. That's what I suspect anyway.

Myself, I've gone, comparatively to most, incredibly slow in my transition and I'm still not done yet. And all the while I've kept my smile. I think it's because I've always asked who I was again and again and again. I still ask myself today and I'm still smiling. I'll continue to ask myself and I'm betting that I will still be smiling. This might be why I am so different from the majority of Transfolk. I was more concerned in who I was rather than what I must do to become a woman.

Looking back throughout my life I've never felt that I really "fit in" like I imagined others did. Being young and Trans I knew that i felt different from the other little boys. When I reached high school age I didn't rush to date the girls. I didn't lose my virginity until after age 21. I always felt uncomfortable in "locker room talk". I've always disliked the phrase "the opposite sex". It wasn't until I was married and became a dad when I started to feel like I "fit in" but still then I was secretly dreaming of being female.

When I finally sought Trans support groups I never felt a connection to what the others were going through whether they were transitioning or being fine with CDing. I thought that I was beginning to be fine with CDing but then I realized that it was much deeper. I fought off electro and then I fought off hormones. Then I fought off transitioning and until late last year I fought off seriously thinking of surgery. No one I know has taken so long, gone so slowly and fought every inch of the way. But that is who I am.

I am a very cautious person who took her transition one step at a time and with month/years in between steps. Some may say it's denial but i think it's just who I am.

Now I am transitioned almost a year and a half ago and now I am getting my ducks in a row for my bottom surgery. Yes, it was a long time coming but then again so is realizing who you are.

So I will continue to ask myself who I am and I think the answer will always be "Deja" (thought the concept of Deja may change) and I believe that I will always be smiling. It's just who I am.

Stained Glass Windows and Love and Kindness

The pic is from the National Cathedral in Washington, DC, USA. This piece is called the "Rose Window" and was designed and built by Rowan LaCompte.

I was on my way home from a nice breakfast at my local Panera cafe while I was listening to NPR and heard Mr LaCompte's story. This man started at age 16 in his field of painting and architecture and the like. His works include 45 stained glass windows and 6 mosaic murals in the National Cathedral. As I listened to the NPR interview I was struck by his religious views.

The NPR reporter had stated that it suddenly occured to him how Rowan's works caught the awe and the religious sense of most everyone who viewed the works. The awe and sense that most people felt was that of God. The reporter then asked Mr LaCompte if he believed in God. His answer was "I believe in love and kindness and if that is what God is then I am delighted." Rowan then added about his thoughts of hopes for an afterlife and to see all the people who he loved dearly but had died, especially his brother and his mother whom he called the most loving and kind person in the world.

Further into this short interview Mr, LaCompte wished that the churches and religions of today would show love and kindness to everyone and not spend their time yelling at people and telling them that they would go to hell. Touche, Mr LaCompte!!!

At the end of the interview a story was told about the ladies who give the tours of the Cathedral. You see, Mr Lacompte's stained glass windows and the power of the sun passing through them would cast colorful lights inside of the cathedrals. One day a 5 year old girl had found this big red circle inside the cathedral and was happily dancing in it. The guides asked her what she was doing. The little girl said "I have found the end of the rainbow!" Indeed she had!

"Choices???"

March 31, 2009 - Tuesday

It's Tuesday night, I am tired and I know that I'm fighting a cold or something. I took a nap at lunch today and when I got home from work I dozed off for 1/2 hour. My body is telling me to rest. I really don't want to rest but I think that at this point I have no choice.

Having a choice. Now there are some words. And having no choice is another set of words.To be able to choose between two or more things may be great or it may be confusing, especially if when you choose one option you cannot have the other options. Ya better really think that one over!

Having no choice can be really bad or really good depending on what the circumstances and outcomes are. To be deprived of something you want is awful. But then again if you have no choice then you don't have to think about it. You know what you have and you live with it. Sometimes when I listen to non Trans people talking about us Trans folk they sometimes view our lives as a matter of choices. You chose to be a woman. You chose to have electrolysis, You chose to go on hormones. You chose to have your bottom surgery. I think they think it's like you are in a "Transgender" store and you push your little cart down the different Transgender aisles and "Choose" the products, processes and outcomes that you want. "Look, here's a good deal on electrolysis! Wait, here's laser!" "Ooooh, hormones! I loooove these hormones!". Whoah! The heavy duty stuff, bottom surgery! Maybe not now but later." You fill your cart with the products that you have "chosen" and you head for the checkout line....When you are done shopping then you are a woman! If you aren't done shopping then you stay in that Transgender store or go back to it again and again in a kind of a state of limbo...

Everybody has their own stories and views. Here is mine. First, I didn't choose to be a woman, I just am one. Yes I chose to pursue steps to physically become a woman because I want my body to match my mind and spirit. It's not like I was a man and then decided to become a woman which I think is the way most non Transpeeps think when they think about a person such as moi. Yes, I did "play the part" of a man and I might have done a good job of it but I was always thinking about being a woman. Always.

I would be driving my family on vacation or on a trip somewhere and all the time I am driving I am thinking of being a woman. When I went to dressy summer functions I would look at the ladies in their little spaghetti strap tops and heeled sandals and their cute dress/outfits and be sooo jealous as I wore a stupid suit and tie and goofy shoes. And every single time I made love to my wife I would fantasize that I was the woman engaging in sex. It was sooo confusing for me physically living one life and secretly living another way, way deep down in my soul where no one else ever went but me. Let me ask you, do you think that I chose this life? Who in their right mind would "choose" to live like this???

You finally get to a point where you can't take it anymore, You finally accept who you really are and you deal with it. This is why I have taken steps to physcially alter my body and reform it into a more feminine shape. Did I choose to do this? Yes, I chose to do something about my predicament. but did I choose to be like this??? Yes, I chose electrolysis but I wanted to get rid of my facial hair. It's incredibly awful to see those #$% beard hairs grow back every single #$% day. Did I choose to hate those hairs? Yes, I opted to take hormones but when you hate your manly body and want desperately to change it that is what you must do. You really don't have any choice.

Now I am closing in on getting my bottom surgery. After 2+ years on hormones my penis still somewhat works but it just doesn't belong anymore. I've finally unleashed my deeply buried sexuality and it's not manly at all. I want a vagina and a clitoris. It's getting to the point that I have to have it. What kind of man "chooses" to remodel his penis into a vagina??? Not too many to my knowledge. It's not because we "choose" to have bottom surgery it's because we really have no choice. I want my vagina and my clitoris and I am waaay done with my penis and my testicles. It really isn't a choice...

So getting back to choices and no choices, being Trans I've learned a lot about these phrases and their ideas and thoughts. And you never really know what "choices", if any, someone else has or what they are going through or what they are carrying around deep in their soul.

With that thought I choose to rest and go to sleep. But wait, do I really even have a choice on that???

"What's It Like Being Normal?"

"What's It Like Being Normal???"

Current mood:impervious

Category: Life

It's been quite a week once again. Work is just sucking the life right out of me but at the same time I should be happy that I have a job and i should be ecstatatic that my employer accepts and totally backs my transition to female. On one hand I am at my wit's end with the craziness of my job and on the other hand I have been working with Love Makes A Family (the major political group who fought tres hard for same sex marriage in Connecticut and now for Transgender rights in Connecticut) telling the world how awesome my employer is (and they truly are!!! Yay, 3M!!!). Yet still I am living "La Vida Loca" in the business world and it sure beats the soul out of me!!!! The demands are not modest by any means!!!!....

Like Pink says in "Who Knew", "When someone says count your blessings now, before they're long gone..." I should be thankful for my extremely good fortune. But I guess, like Pink, that I don't know how...

This is a recurring theme in my life. I had a wonderful family with 3 children and a loving wife. Now it's gone. I was gigging regularly for decades with a decent rock band, now it's over. I had a wonderful summer romance last year with a very nice, intelligent gentleman, now that's done with. I just don't know. I don't intend to self destruct but life is sure tossing me some tough lessons as I look back at my life.

I actually have a very nice life. A job, a place to live by myself, a decent car and nice friends and a nice smile but I always seem to be searching for more. That's a good thing and it's a bad thing... It's wonderful to want to improve your life but it's tragic to not fully appreciate what you have. I find that balance hard to maintain and understand...

Oh, I can do it on the outside but it tears me up on the inside. I see my life slipping by, day by day, but at the same time I truly do stop to smell the flowers and I look up at the sky everyday/night and I view the sun, the stars, the clouds and the birds and it truly lifts me to heights that I know that most people wouldn't comprehend but then I look for what i would like and I see a disconnect...

Many events in my life are like what I just described. I would receive an honr from an organization but I could never thoroughly enjoy it. I was gven a few Transgender awards but because of circumstances beyond my control I was not present at the time to actually accept them and relish them. I had a love from a man and I let it slip by. And when i received an award from work late last year I brought it home to no one. I couldn't share my accomplishments and joy with anyone....

So my life seems to be charmed and yet cursed at the same time. I am truly blessed in many ways yet somehow I am always prevented from fully enjoying the moment...I guess that it's just my lot in life...

But still I am Deja and I am sooo proud of myself and what I've accomplished in my life...I will continue to find my small joys in life!!!...

And yet I am saddened by the forces of life seemingly refusing to let me have that joy for long....

So I keep going and I experience life like we all do. I keep on doing it. And if I can get some good feelings I will take them! But somehow life always pulls me back down to "reality"... Maybe it's just part of the deal being Transgender... you finally get to be your true self but very few share your joy...or even understand you...

Anyway, the pic is my sister and I last Sunday just before going to my Mom's house to orchestrate a birthday party for my wonderful sister, Patti. Yes, it was at my Mom's house but I brought the wine, the b-day cake and bought the pizza and the spirit to celebrate my dear sister's birthday. I took and emailed pics of the party to my children and my sister and my neice and my other sister, Patti gave me the credit for pulling the whole thing together. Now that was awesome!!! Thank you. Patti!!! A nice memory indeed...

And I thank all my friends who read my blog writings. Today I've noticed that there are over 1000 views on my myspace blog...thank you, my friends!!! My Yahoo 360 has over 26,000 hits and I thank all of them also!!! MWAH!!! Blogger???, Well, that's another story!!!

So my life is really very nice and I love living my life!!! I will continue to live and love and be happy until I die!!! And maybe then I will die with a big smile on my face!!!! Darn it!!! I am Deja and I refuse to be sad for long!!!!

"Lights! Spring! Transactivism!"

It's finally Spring! Yay!!! The flowers are coming, the leave on the trees will soon grow, the sun will become warm, all will be right again!!!
There's also Transactivism in the air! In Connecticut this past Thursday there was a hearing on the Trans rights bill. I didn't attend but I did submit "my story" via email late Wednesday night. It was to be read on Thursday during the CT legislative session. Earlier in the week on Tuesday, St Paddy's Day, I was at Love Makes a Family, the group that was largely responsible for making same sex marriage legal in CT. LMF was filming me and my positive story of transitioning at my workplace. This filming was to be a vehicle to help people understand the needs for Trans rights. LMF is now supporting Trans rights. Yay!!! It's nice to have an established ally on our side!
Last night I picked up Keri and Ann and we headed off to Pittsfield, Massachusetts where Justin Adkins and Gunner Scott hosted an MTPC, Massacusetts Transgender Political Coalition, meeting. Gunner has the MTPC thing going on in Boston and Justin wants to start a branch for the western MA Transfolk. MTPC is working for Trans rights in MA.
So my Transactivist streak has been turned on lately. I'm even considering NCTE Lobby Days in DC in late April, I've lobbied a few times before in Washington, DC and it's quite an empowering experience.
Just a few short years ago I was hopelessly lost in the closet. At the same time the Trans rights groups were also in a kind of closet. Oh, they were out there doing their thing but their efforts weren't really known to the world, even the Transgender world. But now things seem to be wide open. There are Transpeeps visible everywhere and the lobbying efforts are solidifying and there is a very good chance that we can make some real legislative headway this year. The whole Transgender movement seems to have come out of the closet and into being a viable, known force in the political world! The times they are a changin!!!
So Spring is in the air, there's Transactivism everwhere, I'm smiling and energized as my pic above shows. This was taken last Thursday at Real Art Ways in Hartford, CT. It was a piece called "A Thought at the Edge of a Continent". I liked the piece and I considered it a playground for the mind. Besides I like lights!!!

"Welcome Back to Transland and Male Attention..."

It's been quite a week. Physically I didn't do much but mentally I have been all over the place. It's been about a month since I've been in contact with the Trans community and I ran into it full force this past week. And maybe it's something in the air, but I have been hit on by several men via internet dating venues this past weekend.

First the Trans re-entry. Early in the week, I reunited with my very good friend Keri who was away with her wife on a deep Caribbean vacation. Keri told me about the events on her cruise and then we got into Trans related issues.Lately I've been reading Julia Serano's "Whipping Girl" and I came upon Julia's take on "passing". Julia doesn't like the concept of "passing" because the underlying tone of the word implies that we are "fooling" someone or "tricking" them into believing that people like us "really are women". Passing makes us seem like deceivers...

Personally I think that passing should be a Crossdresser word. You know, a man who likes to dress and go out in public. When they are mistaken for women I would say that they pass.The word works fine there.

But when you come to us who have transitioned then passing really loses it's meaning. How can you "pass" as a woman if you really are a woman? When you are in your correct gender there is no "pass" or even "fail" You just simply are you!!! I believe that passing has no meaning in a transitioned person's vocabulary.

From Thursday on I was hit with lots of Trans contact. Thursday was a support group meeting which focused on religion and being Trans. That a potentially explosive subject but everyone was very polite with their differences. It was very respectful and we did go onto other subjects without incident.

On Fri/Sat a Trans girl I haven't seen in a while told me that she was coming out at work and asked me for any tips. At first I was congratulating her and giving her my take on what to wear and the bathroom issue and the wrong pronouns issue but as I re read her email I thought that I picked up some doubt in her own words. Then i questioned her and told her to pursue these issues with her therapist. We had several emails back and forth and I'll think she'll be ok. I just wanted to make sure that she was ready and that it was the right time for her to transition.

Saturday brought me to a therapist visit. A couple of months ago I had taken a rather short test and the results finally came back. The results showed that I am neither male nor female. Also my therapist had a separate chart that divided all Transpeople into about 5 or 6 categories. Not surprisingly, I didn't completely fit into any one category. I've always felt different from anybody since I can remember and I've never felt exactly like any other Transperson that I've ever met. The chart thingie proved that. The other test I just dismissed. My therapist kinda did too. The test was originally set up to test heterosexual men who were having possible gender conflicts. I really don't see myself as a heterosexual man. I used to up until about five years ago but now I see myself as a heterosexual female who "Minors in Lesbianism".

My therapist also let me quickly take the Doctor Doctor test (Yes, apparently there is a Doctor whose last name is Doctor!!!). This test was clearly a test to see if a person is a Crossdresser of some sort. I quickly read the questions aloud and answered each one aloud. Not surprisingly I "failed" the Crossdresser test.

Saturday night was another Trans support meeting. This particular support group has a wide spectrum of Transpeople from very closeted Crossdressers to Transitioned Transwomen. It's a wonderful group and there is a pleasant aura during the meetings. We may all be at different places on the gender line but we all know that the valuable asset to have is self acceptance no matter where you are on that line.

Now to the resurgence of male attention in my life...

Friday night my last summer romance man called and we chatted for hours just like the old days. It was wonderful conversing again and then that dreaded low battery sound hit my cell phone. When I heard it I told him that he was going to lose me soon and then the talk quickly turned to how much we miss each other. Before we really got into expressing our feelings my phone battery died...

Saturday morning suddenly brought several emails from several men who wanted to meet me. After questioning each man on what they wanted in a relationship three of them admitted that they just wanted sex. Scratch those 3!!!!

Now I am "down" to 4 men who claim that they want to meet me and if things are right, possibly have a relationship. Currently I have dates with two of them and the other two haven't come up with a firm date yet. They may never do so. And the ones who have set their date with me may or not show up. I know this from past history from dealing with other men and I always email the man a day or two before the date to see if we are still on. But even if the dates don't happen I still enjoyed the male attention even if it's only for a brief while. I know that it's a line but still it is nice to be called beautiful and pretty and for a man to comment on how he likes my profile makes me smile. Especially if he comments on something in my profile. That means that he actually read my profile and likes my words! Yay!!!

But I don't have high expectations. As always I try to be realistic as I do in every facet of my life. I just try to make the best of what I have and to try to keep my positive attitude. And my smile...I love my smile and I never want to lose it, never...

my last 2 posts on myspace and yahoo 360

February 11, 2009 - Wednesday
"The 2009 Hartford Vaginas and Moving on..." Current mood: awake

Last weekend I performed, once again, in the Hartford Vagina Monologues. It was fun, as always and it was a nice respite from my job which is getting worse and worse. It's not just me, it's getting worse for everyone at my workplace. But 'nuff said about my workplace woes!!!!

Except for a brief appearance at a Super Bowl party (2 hrs anyway) and a night of Madonnathon at Mohegan Sun Casino I have not seen or spoke with any other Transpeople for just about a month. It's cold and snowy here in Connecticut and people are just staying in, (so far it's been a pretty bad winter here in the Northeast), and folks are just plain avoiding the unpleasant winter weather.

A late January storm canceled a Trans meeting and my very good friend took a cruise with her wife so I have just been going alone in this big world by myself for a few weeks. And you know what? It's not so bad! A lot of my time was used up by VM practice and the shows. I was the only Transperson there this year so I just kinda melted in with the other females. It was nice spending evenings with 30 other women. Actually I got very used to it and now that the Hartford VMs are over I feel a little empty without my new found friends. Actually we all are feeling a little blue and there's already several emails of meeting in the summer when the weather is much nicer. This particular group of "Vaginas" became really close this year, more so than usual. The spirits present this year were more connected than in the previous years.. Yes, I was hangin' with the genetic girls! And with me not talking to other Transpeeps for about a month I kinda found a place in the "outside" world and my thoughts turned to different avenues.

I actually felt a disconnect from the Trans world and a stronger than ever connection to the big "outside" world. It doesn't feel so outside as it used to! Except for Cate, my work buddie who carpooled with me every Vagina night there was no Trans talk at all, and Cate just asked me some basic questions as she never knowingly met a Transwoman before. But even that was very brief and most of our conversations were about non Trans subjects. I felt really comfortable with myself and even stopped thinking of myself as Trans!

One night last week, after I got home, I suddenly became furious with the thought that I wasn't born with a vagina. I felt cheated and robbed of growing up as a girl. S'funny, whenever anyone would ever ask me if i could go back to any age I've always said "Two!!! I would like to be a two year old girl and live my life all over again!!!" Well, last week I finally met the pain of being denied my girlhood. I was angry for about 20 minutes. Then I realized that I couldn't do anything about it now so I was resigned to the fact that I never had my girlhood. I never got a chance to grow up as a girl and if i ever even thought about it back then I was sooo confused and sooo ashamed to even be thinking about it!!! It was truly denial first class!

And it was a very painful feeling and tears soon took my anger's place. I sobbed for a while that night... I saw G for the first time this year just last night and I told her about this instance. She told me that I was greiving the loss of my childhood, my female childhood that I never had. She was right...

I think that I've gone to another level in my life struggle with gender. It almost feels funny labeling myself as Transgender anymore. I'm even having second thoughts about introducing myself as Transgender now. And I was such a proud "Out and About" Transperson even just a few weeks ago!!! My thoughts have shifted and I suddenly feel completely different about myself. I think that I am growing into who I am... Maybe it was my Vagina buddies, maybe it was a month without Transpeople or maybe it was just about time that this happened....Welcome to another chapter of life, Ms Deja Nicole...
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January 26, 2009 - Monday
"Don't Get Discouraged!!!..." Current mood: contemplative Category: Life

Sometimes it feels like life is just giving you annoying little troubles one after another. It's certainly not enough to drive one over the edge but it sure can stop your smile for a while. We all have our things to deal with and we all have our lives to live. Sometimes it may be easy to get caught up in the negativity and seemingly hopelessness of certain situations but we must always remember to stand tall against these little drawbacks and deal with them. We should examine these instances and hopefully learn something from them and don't let them drag us down. It's part of life, a not so nice part, but a very real part...

So we have to learn to take the bad with the good. To wait out the bad times and to relish the good times even more when it's their turn. It's easy to not fully enjoy the good times but when you have been on a downer streak and then the good times suddenly pop in your life you should be ready to rejoice and hold on to those wonderful up moments!!! Even if it's only a smile from a stranger or reassurance from a friend, or a nice story, a pretty painting, a moving musical piece, a silly joke, a hug, a kiss, you know the stuff that makes life worth living!!! You know, the warm, satisfying smiley feel good times!!!

It's easy to be a little blue on a cold, dark, winter Monday night. The joys of the past weekend have vanished except for memories and the week ahead looks like more cold, more dark and more blue. But as the week moves on I find new energy as the weekend approaches. The weekend for me is a time where I can relax and have some fun. It's a time for me and darn it, I deserve that "me" time after a week of not so nice times. Oh, the week isn't all bad, there are some very nice instances throughout but the strain of everyday duties does wear one down. Hallelujah for the weekend!!!

It's really all how you look at things and how you feel about them. I try to minimize the bad parts and play up the good parts as much as I can. These are the things I do to keep myself happy. Oh, it's nice when it comes effortlessly but there are those times when I truly have to work at it! They say that happy people don't really have better lives than others, they just know how to get to that happy place and to not dwell on the unhappy place. Tricks like surrounding yourself with things that are positive and that make you happy (thx, Jazzi!) or making some quality time for yourself where you can enjoy music or the arts or sharing time with a loved one.!!!

There are also hobbies and pursuing new interests, you know, learning about new things (and this world sure does have them!!!), writing, chatting, dancing, singing, playing sports, dreaming about a wonderful vacation spot, or just a good old back rub or hot bath are calming, wonderful ideas to get to that happy place. Life is full of ups and downs. There are the exciting moments, the joyous moments, the estatic moments and then there are the sad moments of deaths, loss and rude awakenings. It's all part of the same package. We all have the same basic things to go through with and deal with. You can't let the bad stuff get you down. "Don't get discouraged." is the advice that my Mom always gives me. And darn it, I will not get discouraged! Oh, I will be sad when the time comes and I will cry and I will feel unhappy when the blue times come but I will also be ready for the sunny, happy times too!

Hey! This is my life and I am going to have my share of happiness as well as my share of unhappiness!

There truly is a time and a season for everything!
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