"Up Close and Personal..."

July is winding down, 2009 is half over. The summer in New England just seemed to get started but it's also been very rainy. Work is perpetually crazy and demanding yet I am thankful to even have a job. I've been in contact with my old boyfriend but this time just as friends and I just received my second letter approving me for GRS. Life seems to be ongoing and flowing as time seems to be passing very quickly!!!

And speaking of quickly, what's been on my mind mostly is my upcoming GRS! I have no date yet as I am still in the process of gathering paperwork, getting my duckies in a row and picking out a surgeon. I narrowed it down to two, Dr Bressard in Montreal and Dr Honig who is very close by (45 minutes!) in Farmington, CT. After flip flopping several times, currently I am leaning towards Dr Honig.

Yes, I know, Dr Bressard is the king of GRS having performed over 2000 procedures and I've personally seen his work up close from friends who have shared. No doubt about it, he's very good!!!

But he is a plastic surgeon. And I have heard some things about his work that has me concerned. Oh, the instances are very few but still they are there.

Dr Honig, on the other hand, is a urologist who specializes in males. This guy knows the ins and outs of the male workings "down under" and he's already done penectomies, orchidectomies and he has had to work with the prostate so he is used to making a canal much like a vaginal canal to get to the prostate. The only thing that he doesn't do is the labiaplasty. He leaves that to a very well locally respected plastic surgeon, Dr Jonathan Schreiber who trained in San Franciso and New York City with some of the top cosmetic surgeons in the world.. Dr Schreiber's technique is to actually pull down the skin from the abdomen and secure it on the labia majora. The result is no marks and a little bit of a "tummy tuck". That sounds like a "win-win" situation and that sounds good to me!!!

Plus I like the fact that both of these doctors are within minutes of me!!!

So I am getting my paperwork together and I will submit it to Dr Honig. My insurance from work will actually cover my GRS which is awesome!!! But then again, it is insurance and it will take time to process things as, you know, insurance does...

It will be nice to have a vagina and a clitoris though!!!

Yes, I know, my earlier blog posts from the past few years always took a "not for me" stance on GRS and once again I have flipped-flopped just as I did with electrology, going on hormones and transitioning. In earlier times I was firmly against each of these feminizing procedures. One by one, I relinquished my original position and eventually took up the polar opposite of each "no." I have thought long and hard over these issues and with each one I have finally felt secure in my "opposite" decisions. I know that I am not like most Trans who just seem to dive into everything right away and all at once. I did a step by step slow progression. But then again I've always been like that in anything that I ever did. I was always the last person to "dive into the lake", "take that first drink", or "go out dressed in public." Maybe I'm afraid, maybe I am concerned or maybe I just didn't feel safe doing these "new" things. I much preferred to watch others and see how they dealt with these situations. When I finally got the nerve or confidence to do these new things then I usually embraced them wholeheartedly.

There were a few things that I never tried nor ever wanted to try such as driving a motorcycle, firing a gun, lift weights, gamble or even wanting a showgirl to dance for me when I was out "with the guys" and they were all gung ho to watch the ladies dance. Put yer dollar down and watch the show!!! Me? I would talk to the girls and maybe even dance with them in a very non sexual way. I guess that I didn't make a very good male who likes engine noises, guns, bodybuilding and objectifying women. Now i am digressing, sorry,...back to the point...

But I really do finally want a vagina and clitoris now!!! It's time!!! I know it is!!! I need them to continue my life. I want to finally change all of my legal documents to "female". They're about half and half now. Legally I guess that currently I am both male or female depending on what form you are referring to... But with a surgeon's letter I will be able to change them all!!! Yay!!!

And there will be no more uncomfortable, sweaty tucking!!! Yay!!! It's funny, but after I tuck i immediately forget about even having a penis and scrotum and it doesn't even cross my mind until I go to the bathroom when I pull my panties down and"thud" they they are. Oh yeah, i forgot that I still have these...

I will also be able to "receive" which has always been a dream of mine. I want to be entered in that way...

So I am sorry for getting up close and personal but then again what do you really expect a Transwoman to think about when she is thinking about GRS???


So time is passing and life is flowing and I'm ready to take on my last physically feminizing step. That is unless I opt for FFS or breast augmentation or....on and on... No. I think that I shall stop with GRS. But then again I now know never to say never.....

"Pride Thoughts and Trans Life Thoughts"

June, 28, 2009 was the New York City Pride parade 2009. It was the 40th anniversary of the Stonewall riots which jolted the Gay movement. We've come a long way since June 1969 but we still have a ways to go.

I've always loved the Pride parades and I go to as many of them as I can. This year I marched in Northampton, Massachusetts, Boston, Massachusetts and now New York City. These were all great events and I always cherish being a marcher in all of them.

I have trouble with understanding why others don't like to march in Pride parades. I think they are wonderful reminders of how we have grown from the painful, confusing, shameful, suppressing closets to being open and free and living life as we really should have from the beginning. It is such a joyous occasion to march in a parade and shout "I am who I am and I am proud of myself!!!" To see others feeling the same thing is a wonderful experience! It is sooo empowering and it gives me sooo much peace in my soul. I love these feelings and I look forward to them every time I march.

But not everyone shares my enthusiasm in marching in Pride parades. I guess that I have to accept that we are all different and that expressing joy in a parade is not even on the minds of most of the Transgender community. I find that curious and rather sad...

I try to figure out and understand the reasons that most Trans do not march. I know that some folks are trying to live in stealth and don't even want to be connected with us who are open and proud. I know that some folks are disabled and there's no way that they can march. I know that some folks are just plain shy and they do not want to be in the "public eye". I also know that some Trans do not want to be associated with Gays because of either being scared of being labelled Gay themselves or that they don't trust the Gays politically. There are some of the reasons that I think I've figured out. I'm sure there are more...

Whatever the reason(s), i wonder if these aforementioned people feel good about themselves and proud of being who they are? I realize that you don't need a Pride to feel good about yourself but let me tell you, it definitely helps! All through the parades the themes of "Be yourself", "Be Proud", "Be at peace with yourself" and other themes are shared by everyone in the parade and all the spectators of the parade. It's just a great sense of a huge, positive community!!!

I also like to march to show others what Trans looks like. Face it, most of us are in the closet so the only references we get are crazy talk shows and scary movies and arrest stories that the press uses for "sideshow" purposes to sell their papers.

But when they see us in the parade then they may realize that we are all not crazy and unbalanced, or psychotic killers or crazy criminals who were arrested while "dressing in the clothes of the opposite sex." They can see that we are everyday, normal, boring people just like everyone else!

Besides the Pride parades I also live openly as Trans. I believe that this helps our cause by showing that I am a neighbor, a coworker, a family member, a friend, a community member, a real person with real wants and needs. This will help non Transpeeps to understand us a little better and back us when we ask for the same rights everyone else has.

I know that it is not easy to live openly. I live it. The stares, the wrong pronouns, the refusal to accept us, the refusal to respect us and ultimately, us being marginalized... But who said life was ever fair? We have to meet these challenges every day and show the world that we are real, decent human beings and that we are just as much a part of this world as anyone!

So I live openly. I march in Pride parades. I want to change the world but I realize that it starts with small steps at a time before we are accepted as "normal" into society. I know that we will get there but as I stated before, we still have a long ways to go.

"Who Am I?"

"Who am I?" Did you ever ask yourself "Who am I?" Try asking yourself that. Then ask it again and again and again.

I found that question with many other questions on an empowering questions video on the net. The questions were pretty interesting but this by far is my favorite one "Who am I?"

Everyone should ask themselves this question over and over and over again. It's probably the most important question to ask yourself. It's especially important to me Especially because I am Transgender.

You might start answering that question with other questions, what do I do, who do I love, what do I say, how do I react to things, what do i love, what makes me happy, what makes me sad etc. Or you could try to describe yourself. You could describe yourself physically, or mentally or spiritually. Or you could focus on your dreams, your thoughts your words, your actions. There are many ways to think about who you are.

My first answer to this "Who Am I?" question is "I am Deja." Not only do I mean this literally, as in this is my name, but I also mean it in describing who I am, what my thought processes are, what kind of a person I am, what i do (not as a profession but as what I do in life as I live everyday) what makes me tick, why I smile frequently, why I laugh several times throughout the day. All these things make up me, who I am. Deja to me is more than a word, it is a way of life. It is the way of my life.

I got off on this provocative question because I was thinking of my life and since I'm Transgender, the lives of others who are Transgender. When you are Transgender eventually there will eventually come the questions of should I transition, am I ok with where I am now, am I not ok with where I am now, would it be better to transition, would it be better if I didn't transition? How about, would I stay the same even if I transitioned???

I have seen many people transition and a lot have shown great happiness when they transitioned. But I have also seen not so happy people who have transitioned. And then there are the ones who were originally happy and then somehow lost their happiness.

I've seen a lot of folks rush into transitioning with electrolysis, laser, hormones, and body modifications. It was almost like they were on a high with all the new changes and then when they went as far as they could, the high somehow got lost. I've heard several people say that after all the changes and the transition that's when the hard part begins. I think what they are speaking of is that's when a lot of folks start asking that question "Who am I?" It's funny because one would think that that should be the first question to consider when one is thinking of transitioning but in a lot of cases i don't think it was. I have seen sooo many girls just focusing on what they have to do to become women that they never really explore who they really are. It's only after the transition fact that the "who am I" truly hits them. Maybe that's why they lose their smile. That's what I suspect anyway.

Myself, I've gone, comparatively to most, incredibly slow in my transition and I'm still not done yet. And all the while I've kept my smile. I think it's because I've always asked who I was again and again and again. I still ask myself today and I'm still smiling. I'll continue to ask myself and I'm betting that I will still be smiling. This might be why I am so different from the majority of Transfolk. I was more concerned in who I was rather than what I must do to become a woman.

Looking back throughout my life I've never felt that I really "fit in" like I imagined others did. Being young and Trans I knew that i felt different from the other little boys. When I reached high school age I didn't rush to date the girls. I didn't lose my virginity until after age 21. I always felt uncomfortable in "locker room talk". I've always disliked the phrase "the opposite sex". It wasn't until I was married and became a dad when I started to feel like I "fit in" but still then I was secretly dreaming of being female.

When I finally sought Trans support groups I never felt a connection to what the others were going through whether they were transitioning or being fine with CDing. I thought that I was beginning to be fine with CDing but then I realized that it was much deeper. I fought off electro and then I fought off hormones. Then I fought off transitioning and until late last year I fought off seriously thinking of surgery. No one I know has taken so long, gone so slowly and fought every inch of the way. But that is who I am.

I am a very cautious person who took her transition one step at a time and with month/years in between steps. Some may say it's denial but i think it's just who I am.

Now I am transitioned almost a year and a half ago and now I am getting my ducks in a row for my bottom surgery. Yes, it was a long time coming but then again so is realizing who you are.

So I will continue to ask myself who I am and I think the answer will always be "Deja" (thought the concept of Deja may change) and I believe that I will always be smiling. It's just who I am.

Stained Glass Windows and Love and Kindness

The pic is from the National Cathedral in Washington, DC, USA. This piece is called the "Rose Window" and was designed and built by Rowan LaCompte.

I was on my way home from a nice breakfast at my local Panera cafe while I was listening to NPR and heard Mr LaCompte's story. This man started at age 16 in his field of painting and architecture and the like. His works include 45 stained glass windows and 6 mosaic murals in the National Cathedral. As I listened to the NPR interview I was struck by his religious views.

The NPR reporter had stated that it suddenly occured to him how Rowan's works caught the awe and the religious sense of most everyone who viewed the works. The awe and sense that most people felt was that of God. The reporter then asked Mr LaCompte if he believed in God. His answer was "I believe in love and kindness and if that is what God is then I am delighted." Rowan then added about his thoughts of hopes for an afterlife and to see all the people who he loved dearly but had died, especially his brother and his mother whom he called the most loving and kind person in the world.

Further into this short interview Mr, LaCompte wished that the churches and religions of today would show love and kindness to everyone and not spend their time yelling at people and telling them that they would go to hell. Touche, Mr LaCompte!!!

At the end of the interview a story was told about the ladies who give the tours of the Cathedral. You see, Mr Lacompte's stained glass windows and the power of the sun passing through them would cast colorful lights inside of the cathedrals. One day a 5 year old girl had found this big red circle inside the cathedral and was happily dancing in it. The guides asked her what she was doing. The little girl said "I have found the end of the rainbow!" Indeed she had!

"Choices???"

March 31, 2009 - Tuesday

It's Tuesday night, I am tired and I know that I'm fighting a cold or something. I took a nap at lunch today and when I got home from work I dozed off for 1/2 hour. My body is telling me to rest. I really don't want to rest but I think that at this point I have no choice.

Having a choice. Now there are some words. And having no choice is another set of words.To be able to choose between two or more things may be great or it may be confusing, especially if when you choose one option you cannot have the other options. Ya better really think that one over!

Having no choice can be really bad or really good depending on what the circumstances and outcomes are. To be deprived of something you want is awful. But then again if you have no choice then you don't have to think about it. You know what you have and you live with it. Sometimes when I listen to non Trans people talking about us Trans folk they sometimes view our lives as a matter of choices. You chose to be a woman. You chose to have electrolysis, You chose to go on hormones. You chose to have your bottom surgery. I think they think it's like you are in a "Transgender" store and you push your little cart down the different Transgender aisles and "Choose" the products, processes and outcomes that you want. "Look, here's a good deal on electrolysis! Wait, here's laser!" "Ooooh, hormones! I loooove these hormones!". Whoah! The heavy duty stuff, bottom surgery! Maybe not now but later." You fill your cart with the products that you have "chosen" and you head for the checkout line....When you are done shopping then you are a woman! If you aren't done shopping then you stay in that Transgender store or go back to it again and again in a kind of a state of limbo...

Everybody has their own stories and views. Here is mine. First, I didn't choose to be a woman, I just am one. Yes I chose to pursue steps to physically become a woman because I want my body to match my mind and spirit. It's not like I was a man and then decided to become a woman which I think is the way most non Transpeeps think when they think about a person such as moi. Yes, I did "play the part" of a man and I might have done a good job of it but I was always thinking about being a woman. Always.

I would be driving my family on vacation or on a trip somewhere and all the time I am driving I am thinking of being a woman. When I went to dressy summer functions I would look at the ladies in their little spaghetti strap tops and heeled sandals and their cute dress/outfits and be sooo jealous as I wore a stupid suit and tie and goofy shoes. And every single time I made love to my wife I would fantasize that I was the woman engaging in sex. It was sooo confusing for me physically living one life and secretly living another way, way deep down in my soul where no one else ever went but me. Let me ask you, do you think that I chose this life? Who in their right mind would "choose" to live like this???

You finally get to a point where you can't take it anymore, You finally accept who you really are and you deal with it. This is why I have taken steps to physcially alter my body and reform it into a more feminine shape. Did I choose to do this? Yes, I chose to do something about my predicament. but did I choose to be like this??? Yes, I chose electrolysis but I wanted to get rid of my facial hair. It's incredibly awful to see those #$% beard hairs grow back every single #$% day. Did I choose to hate those hairs? Yes, I opted to take hormones but when you hate your manly body and want desperately to change it that is what you must do. You really don't have any choice.

Now I am closing in on getting my bottom surgery. After 2+ years on hormones my penis still somewhat works but it just doesn't belong anymore. I've finally unleashed my deeply buried sexuality and it's not manly at all. I want a vagina and a clitoris. It's getting to the point that I have to have it. What kind of man "chooses" to remodel his penis into a vagina??? Not too many to my knowledge. It's not because we "choose" to have bottom surgery it's because we really have no choice. I want my vagina and my clitoris and I am waaay done with my penis and my testicles. It really isn't a choice...

So getting back to choices and no choices, being Trans I've learned a lot about these phrases and their ideas and thoughts. And you never really know what "choices", if any, someone else has or what they are going through or what they are carrying around deep in their soul.

With that thought I choose to rest and go to sleep. But wait, do I really even have a choice on that???

"What's It Like Being Normal?"

"What's It Like Being Normal???"

Current mood:impervious

Category: Life

It's been quite a week once again. Work is just sucking the life right out of me but at the same time I should be happy that I have a job and i should be ecstatatic that my employer accepts and totally backs my transition to female. On one hand I am at my wit's end with the craziness of my job and on the other hand I have been working with Love Makes A Family (the major political group who fought tres hard for same sex marriage in Connecticut and now for Transgender rights in Connecticut) telling the world how awesome my employer is (and they truly are!!! Yay, 3M!!!). Yet still I am living "La Vida Loca" in the business world and it sure beats the soul out of me!!!! The demands are not modest by any means!!!!....

Like Pink says in "Who Knew", "When someone says count your blessings now, before they're long gone..." I should be thankful for my extremely good fortune. But I guess, like Pink, that I don't know how...

This is a recurring theme in my life. I had a wonderful family with 3 children and a loving wife. Now it's gone. I was gigging regularly for decades with a decent rock band, now it's over. I had a wonderful summer romance last year with a very nice, intelligent gentleman, now that's done with. I just don't know. I don't intend to self destruct but life is sure tossing me some tough lessons as I look back at my life.

I actually have a very nice life. A job, a place to live by myself, a decent car and nice friends and a nice smile but I always seem to be searching for more. That's a good thing and it's a bad thing... It's wonderful to want to improve your life but it's tragic to not fully appreciate what you have. I find that balance hard to maintain and understand...

Oh, I can do it on the outside but it tears me up on the inside. I see my life slipping by, day by day, but at the same time I truly do stop to smell the flowers and I look up at the sky everyday/night and I view the sun, the stars, the clouds and the birds and it truly lifts me to heights that I know that most people wouldn't comprehend but then I look for what i would like and I see a disconnect...

Many events in my life are like what I just described. I would receive an honr from an organization but I could never thoroughly enjoy it. I was gven a few Transgender awards but because of circumstances beyond my control I was not present at the time to actually accept them and relish them. I had a love from a man and I let it slip by. And when i received an award from work late last year I brought it home to no one. I couldn't share my accomplishments and joy with anyone....

So my life seems to be charmed and yet cursed at the same time. I am truly blessed in many ways yet somehow I am always prevented from fully enjoying the moment...I guess that it's just my lot in life...

But still I am Deja and I am sooo proud of myself and what I've accomplished in my life...I will continue to find my small joys in life!!!...

And yet I am saddened by the forces of life seemingly refusing to let me have that joy for long....

So I keep going and I experience life like we all do. I keep on doing it. And if I can get some good feelings I will take them! But somehow life always pulls me back down to "reality"... Maybe it's just part of the deal being Transgender... you finally get to be your true self but very few share your joy...or even understand you...

Anyway, the pic is my sister and I last Sunday just before going to my Mom's house to orchestrate a birthday party for my wonderful sister, Patti. Yes, it was at my Mom's house but I brought the wine, the b-day cake and bought the pizza and the spirit to celebrate my dear sister's birthday. I took and emailed pics of the party to my children and my sister and my neice and my other sister, Patti gave me the credit for pulling the whole thing together. Now that was awesome!!! Thank you. Patti!!! A nice memory indeed...

And I thank all my friends who read my blog writings. Today I've noticed that there are over 1000 views on my myspace blog...thank you, my friends!!! My Yahoo 360 has over 26,000 hits and I thank all of them also!!! MWAH!!! Blogger???, Well, that's another story!!!

So my life is really very nice and I love living my life!!! I will continue to live and love and be happy until I die!!! And maybe then I will die with a big smile on my face!!!! Darn it!!! I am Deja and I refuse to be sad for long!!!!

"Lights! Spring! Transactivism!"

It's finally Spring! Yay!!! The flowers are coming, the leave on the trees will soon grow, the sun will become warm, all will be right again!!!
There's also Transactivism in the air! In Connecticut this past Thursday there was a hearing on the Trans rights bill. I didn't attend but I did submit "my story" via email late Wednesday night. It was to be read on Thursday during the CT legislative session. Earlier in the week on Tuesday, St Paddy's Day, I was at Love Makes a Family, the group that was largely responsible for making same sex marriage legal in CT. LMF was filming me and my positive story of transitioning at my workplace. This filming was to be a vehicle to help people understand the needs for Trans rights. LMF is now supporting Trans rights. Yay!!! It's nice to have an established ally on our side!
Last night I picked up Keri and Ann and we headed off to Pittsfield, Massachusetts where Justin Adkins and Gunner Scott hosted an MTPC, Massacusetts Transgender Political Coalition, meeting. Gunner has the MTPC thing going on in Boston and Justin wants to start a branch for the western MA Transfolk. MTPC is working for Trans rights in MA.
So my Transactivist streak has been turned on lately. I'm even considering NCTE Lobby Days in DC in late April, I've lobbied a few times before in Washington, DC and it's quite an empowering experience.
Just a few short years ago I was hopelessly lost in the closet. At the same time the Trans rights groups were also in a kind of closet. Oh, they were out there doing their thing but their efforts weren't really known to the world, even the Transgender world. But now things seem to be wide open. There are Transpeeps visible everywhere and the lobbying efforts are solidifying and there is a very good chance that we can make some real legislative headway this year. The whole Transgender movement seems to have come out of the closet and into being a viable, known force in the political world! The times they are a changin!!!
So Spring is in the air, there's Transactivism everwhere, I'm smiling and energized as my pic above shows. This was taken last Thursday at Real Art Ways in Hartford, CT. It was a piece called "A Thought at the Edge of a Continent". I liked the piece and I considered it a playground for the mind. Besides I like lights!!!