The Light is Shining on Me, Why Not Maine?

American Rights were lost this past week in Maine. Yes, right here in the United states of America, the Land of the Free, the people of Maine took away the rights of some Americans to wed. Citing their religious rhetoric about marriage, saying that marriage is only between a man and a woman, religious groups spread their ignorance and hate to those who themselves are, well, ignorant, and the right for some Americans to wed was lost. I find this grossly un-American.

First of all, I do not believe that anyone's basic rights should ever be put to a popular vote. That is very un-American and just plain wrong. You do not ever, ever vote on the basic rights of anyone, especially your fellow Americans! I am still shocked that this was even put to a vote.

Second, how can you take your neighbor's right to marry away from them? How can you find it in your heart to think that this is right? How can you look them in the eye and tell them that they have no right to wed? I cannot fathom it but I will try to look at the possible reasons why some people think that this is right.

Number one is the religious right wing. I am referring to the right wing Christian element of the United States of America. Somehow they think that they are on a mission from God and that they are doing their God's work. They think that they know what God wants and no one better get in their way. This reminds me of those religious fanatics who drove the planes into the twin towers and the Pentagon. These folks were sure that they were doing "God's work". I think that they were extremists who committed horrible crimes against God. I see a similarity between the plane crashers and the anti marriage people.

A quick aside, I don;t understand when these religious people say that their Bible is the word of God. I have looked through the Bible and I have not ever found one entry credited to God. I see the Corinthians, the Romans, Leviticus, etc, but no God. Let's face it, God did not write any of the entries in the Bible, The Bible was written by men, not women, but men, thousands of years ago. These were stories and words meant to control people, tell them what's right, what's wrong, what to do, what to say, what to wear, how to act etc. The Bible really is a code of conduct for people to follow and it was written by men thousands of years ago. Please keep that in mind when you hear someone say that the Bible is the word of God.

Back to the reasons why people think that it's ok to take rights away from fellow Americans.

America is getting enlightened but there still is homophobia which is still very alive in the U.S. I often ask myself, why is that the case? I believe that it is because many Americans think that they know what a man should be and what a woman should be and if they see a man who likes another man they somehow think lesser of this man. Why? Women can like men, why can't men like men? Could it be because they think that this man is somehow "lowering" himself and acting like a woman? Might I ask what is wrong for a man to act like a woman? Even further, dare I ask what is wrong with being a woman? I think that there is a huge, silent element of misogyny in our American culture. That is a big shame on our culture to even think this way!

Another possible thought along the same vein as the reason above is the very closeted Gay man who will not come to terms with his own homosexuality. This person may be so horrified that he is really Gay that he overcompensates by publicly showing his distaste for Gays. These are usually the Gay bashers, the religious and government leaders who speak publicly against Gays then they secretly have sex with Gays behind closed doors and bathroom stalls. This type of person can be the most vocal against Gays. Sadly, they are Gay themselves but somehow will not or cannot accept it.

Another possible reason to take away fellow American's rights is that the ignorant might think that Gay couples will somehow "infiltrate" neighborhoods and rape their children similar to the way that a certain percentage of Catholic priests do. Why do they think this? I believe that it is fear of the unknown and as a result, fearing the worst. Of course this is not true and their fears are unfounded.

So I have examined some of the possible reasons to think that it's alright to deny your fellow countrymen their rights. I see them but I still don't understand them. Instead I see ignorance, hatefulness, fear and a need to control. I do not see moral Americans and I surely do not see moral Christians.

I hope that someday people will understand what I am speaking of and see how terribly wrong these people are who are willing to take away rights of their fellow Americans.

2 Year Review

It's been two years since I transitioned to female. In November 2007 I made the leap and I've never looked back.Not a single second thought, not a single question, not a single "Omg! What have i done!" Nope! I am female and I will go to my grave as female.

In this post I am looking back at the past two years and where I am now. Physically, my face is a lot more feminine looking (after 2 1/2 years of hormones) and since I have been on Progesterone (since September 2008) my breasts have grown to be very noticeable. They were just kinda puttering along with the estradial patches but the addition to Progesterone unleashed new growth. My derriere has a new layer of fat on it and my thighs are a little bigger now. My body hair has either vanished or is soft and weak. My fingernails have softened and are always breaking as I play guitar often. I'll never have nice nails as playing my guitar is such a big part of my life, always has been and always will be.

Speaking of guitar and music my musical tastes have changed. I love dance music, disco, and softer sounds now. I don't go clubbing as much as I did when I was in my wild, partying Crossdressing daze. I didn't even go to Provincetown this year. I used to use clubs and Ptown as an excuse to dress and be myself but since I am 24/7 I really have no need to go somewhere else to express myself. Now I express myself in my daily life at all times.Yep, I've reached home.

Home is a very good, short definition on where I am now. I am very comfortable with myself now. I can accept that I am really a female and that I have a tall body and a low voice and that I am so follically challenged that I must wear a wig. I get Ma'amed very frequently now but I still sometimes get read as a Transwoman and that is very ok with me. I am very open with being Trans and I am proud of who i am. As a matter of fact, sometimes I want people to know that I am Trans so that they will know what a Transperson is by having met one firsthand. I know that many girls strive to "pass as a woman" but that doesn't concern me. I know that I pass as a human being. I still get Sirred on the telephone because of my low voice. Sometimes I politely correct my caller or sometimes I don't even bother. Point is, I have accepted myself as who I am!!!

At work everyone is cool with me.I never had a problem, not one. At home in my apartment building people are cool. At the stores where i go to shop for groceries, cleaning products, clothes etc there are no problems. Most of the cashiers at the local Panera restaurant know my name and never have to ask it to ID my take out order. I am fitting into society as me.

I have also accepted that I like men. I never admitted that before but then again I was never really attracted to men before. I think yhat I must have pushed that part of me way, way down further than the fact that I was female. As I released, accepted and understood my female being I also released, accepted and understood my attraction to men. I still have an attraction to women but it is waning.

My family life is torn between those who accept me and those who don't. Some love me even more than they did before. Some accept me but don't quite understand. Some don't even want to see me. It's sad but I have to live with it.

But I have lots of Gay, Lesbian and, of course, Transgender friends now. I still have a fair amount of Straight friends too. I seem to get along with just about everybody.. I think that they see the confidence that I have and that I am genuine and that I have a happy spirit and a nice smile. I am also not threatening. My vibes are friendly and confident.

Being able to express myself is something that I never let myself do. I always held back until I started accepting myself. I am sooo glad that I finally let myself be who i am! I was sooo afraid to let it out before I transitioned.

So I have achieved great personal growth in the past two years. I have found my center and peace and I can enjoy things now without feeling afraid and scared that someone would find out. Let me tell you, it's a very, very, very good feeling to just be who you are and to be able to enjoy life. I can finally, totally, enjoy life now!

October, My Highs and Lows..

It's the last week of October. So far October has been an unpredictable month with lots of highs and lows...

The beginning of the month was still summery, warm wise but it rained on our NETU Pride on 10/3.. I had an insanely great time performing but it would've been nice to have 1000+ people there. I had imagined their screams as they loudly spelled "Trans!" County Joe style, one letter at a time!!! (Give me a "T"...) Oh, don't get me wrong, the faithful spirits who were there lifted me to heights previously unknown to me (THX!) but I would've loooove to hear 1000 voices... It was truly one of my highs of my life but if the weather had been nicer???

This seems to happen to me a lot in Trans events. I rise to the occasion but the timing, weather, or something else is off. I have won awards at COS, my Hartford, CT area Transgender support group and Fantasia Fair in Provincetown, MA and I was not present to receive either awards. My name was called both times, there was applause but I was not there to relish the moment both times...of course I received my awards at a later date but it was waaay after the facts... I don't seem to get to live for the moment when the awards come...Strange...

But this is life and life has still been good to me....it can't be great all of the time. It's not gonna stop me from being positive!!!

Back to earlier this month. I turned 58 on the 13th and on that day I had agreed to a price and some easy contingencies to buying a condo in a city environment. I had seen several condos before but this one I was literally running from room to room just excitedly soaking up the possibilities of living in a two bedroom , two bath, one master with jets in the bathtub!!! Yeah Baby!!!, a big living room with a bay window, and an efficiency kitchen, nicely equipped with a breakfast bar!!! Washer/dryer!!! Oooooh, and a garage that i could've easily set my bass amp and bike and other stuff in besides my '05 paid for Camry!!!!! New England winters scream GARAGE!!!! No more digging out from a snowstorm, icestocrm, slushstorm etc...Heaven!!! I am in Heaven!!!...

Steve had im'ed me on FB and invited me to lunch in Noho. We had Indian. It was awesome!!! I was a condo owner, closer to Steve (his words), a year older, celebrating my b day with Steve and coming off the NETU performance, I was on top of the world!!! Nothing's gonna stop me now!!!!

I was set to move on into Springfield, MA!!! But Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae who have now tightened up their lending processes told me tha t they would not finance me unless 51% of the condos in the building were owner occupied. This one was 22%... I cried after I heard this one...this one hurt...

Then my sister who will not speak to me announced plans to visit our Mom on Sunday, the day that I ALWAYS see Mom. She will be there on November 1. Carol hasn't spoken to me in two years and will not acknowledge me as Deja. She always refers to me as my former self with bad pronouns galore. She told me that there is no such thing as Transgender. It's all Narcissism. Yep, she knows all!!!

On the 17th I attended a party and was asked to play. I jumped in from the Happy Birthday song, to songs inside, to song outside by a fire. It was fun and many, many people thanked me for playing that night. Awesome night!!! I slept well that night!!!

Also, I looked at condos made from a makeover of a former high school in Springfield called Classical High. They were very nice condos but I'm afraid that they are too expensive for me. They were fun to look at though!

I was thinking of putting a deposit down on a Classical condo but then I was thinking of being poor again and scrimping to pay the bills. (It was awful! I would have to give up cable, electrolysis and maybe a land line!) I will not, however, ever give up my internet connection or my cell phone at any costs!!! I think that I am too old for scrimping! Debt, be damned!!! I would prefer to live within my means, even if I cannot own, thank you.!!!

So I decided to, once again, back burner the "Home for Deja" search and stay where I am. S'funny! I was off work today, using up my vacations like a good 3Mer should, when I saw my Apartment Manager, who is also named Steve. I had told Steve earlier that I would be leaving but now I told him that the deal fell though and that he "had me" as a renter indefinitely. . Evidently he was sprucing up 802 for a showing (I am 803) and He stopped to chat with me. I told him about me not leaving but thinking about what i would miss if i had left. The tall trees, the forest, the L shaped brook, the colors of autumn, the warm green color in the summertime with bugs chirping every night.... I truly do have a piece of heaven right now even if I only rent. I know that rent is not forever but darn it, what is not forever? Nothing to my knowledge! I wonder who my new neighbor/s will be in 802???

Steve, my apt mgr, had earlier told me that even though I was one of the "older" tenants (since April 2003) there are many who stay here until it's ready to make their, you know, final exit... Maybe this is where I will stay until, forever? I don't know..but it doesn't scare me...I guess that I could live here forever. I just wish that I had a garage!!!

Today I visited a rail trail.bird sanctuary in neighboring Suffield, CT. A man my age on a bicycle chatted/flirted with me for about 5 minutes. Then I went home to prepare for a teeth inspection/cleaning by my dentist who has seen me transtion. We asked each other about our dating lives...

Last Friday my Mom went into the hospital. She might be released tomorrow. This has also been weighing on my mind. I know that some day that she will be gone...

It's been a crazy month with highs and lows!!!

Lately, I completely forget that I am Transgender...suddenly that's not so important lately...

Am I an "Narci?"

Most of us have members of our family who are not at all happy with us. We changed and they do not like it. Like most of us, i have people in my family who will not communicate with me or meet me or even acknowledge me. It's very sad but what are you gonna do about it? C'est la vie.

One of the "non believers" in my family is my oldest sister. Her view is that there is no such thing as Transgender and that I am narcissistic and selfish for doing what I did when I transitioned. Of course she is wrong about there being no such thing as Transgender but I have been thinking lately about the narcissistic element.

A few years ago at a Trans support meeting one girl asked us each to think and say something that might have value to us all. A rather quiet girl who pretty much keeps to herself offered "Listen to people to what they say about you." This has always stuck in my mind.

Sometimes we don't want to hear everything that people say about us. Sometimes it is not good things but sometimes we do need to hear it...

Now back to the narcissistic thing...

There are many definitions of narcissism but I choose this one, " A personality disorder in which a person is so self-absorbed that the needs and feelings of others do not matter." I think that pretty much sums it up in one sentence!

I have been observing people with this definition in mind. Yes, narcissism touches all walks of life and all of us have levels of it but I do see it deeply ingrained in some Transpeeps. I have met folks who are constantly thinking only of themselves and they take offense if you ever disagree with them. It must be their way or no way and forget about the idea of agreeing to disagree.

I have noticed people lashing out at friends when they feel that their world is crumbling or not going their way. There are Transpeeps that will never speak to each again because somehow they felt that their views were attacked and that they did not like it one bit. They probably will never reconcile. C'est la vie.

As far as me being narcissistic....well I have taken about a zillion pics of myself and one of the definitions of narcissism is the love of oneself. In that case I am no doubt, guilty of this definition of narcissism. I do love myself and I believe that this is a good thing. How can you love others if you don't love yourself? Yes, I plead guilty to narcissism by this definition and I stand by it's merits.

But I do not believe that I am "so self-absorbed that the needs and feelings of others do not matter." If this is true please someone tell me but I really don't think it is so. I've always thought about others and tried to please them since I was very young. I quickly learned that if you respect others they will like you and your life will be easier with them. I found that smiling and being happy was generally well accepted by everyone and it worked for me. I still believe this to this day.

I grew up in a house with two sisters and I learned about respecting women. I married and had 3 children and I learned that my needs come last and my families come first. I had 3 little hungry mouths to feed and clothe and love. But when September 11, 2001 came that started me thinking about myself more. I always knew that there was a feminine spirit inside of me that was eager to surface but I stuffed her way down in my soul because I had responsibilities. By 2001 my family was growing (my youngest was then 16) and the awful feeling of knowing that i could die at any minute and go to my grave never, ever exploring who I am scared me. So yes, I did begin thinking of myself but darn it, I am who I am and I need to be me. Stuffing my true self down, down, down way deep in my soul was a lot harder to do now. I knew that time was running out. A month later I turned 50.

Lots of stuff happened, some good,some bad. One of the good was that I finally found my center and found peace in my life. One of the bad is that my ex divorced me and that there are family members who don't want to deal with me. Am I selfish to become who I am? I do still care about my family members and their needs and feelings but they just seem to want to forget about me. I don't know how to get them back unless I detransition back to being male but that is not a real option. I would have to give up my peace and my center. I would be very unhappy and probably eventually look to exit...

I just don't think that I am narcissistic. I've seen the "narci" person operate and I am not like that. My other sister who loves and accepts me also says that i am not like that. I have heard some possible narci things about me from Transpeeps mostly because of my picture takings and my short whimsical statements when someone else is talking but I do remain quiet and listen while someone else is talking. I was called "a spoiled brat" in the past two weeks but it came from a very narcissistic person who spouted off about several of us and there was waaay worse things said about the others.

But I've also gotten comments on how surprised people are when I play guitar and sing. Until they hear me play they think that I am just a person who noodles around but I really can entertain, I don't make a big deal about it. I've also been called pretty and have had lots of nice comments on my body parts but I don't make a big deal about it. I am just me. Yes, I am special but so is everyone else!

I really don't feel the narcissism. I can feel the needs and feelings of others, I listen to others, I compliment others, I do say "I" a lot though!!! Hee hee!!!!

So i do admit to having a level of narcissism but I don't believe that it's bad.As far as my family not accepting me and wanting me to be who they think I should be...maybe they are the ones who are a little too narcissistic????

"What is Truth and Who is the Dreamer?"

About a month ago a friend asked me to joining a Trans website. I checked out the site and I was immediately hit with ads for life like breast forms and articles and books on how to pass as a woman. I think I even saw one that stated that "There is no excuse for not passing as a beautiful woman." Ok, I thought to myself, I've come upon yet another Crossdressing site. Sites like these are wonderful for us girls who are exploring that part of themselves but not so much for us girls who are living full time and are dealing with everyday life. I begrudgingly joined the site and poked around a bit. I did find forums that might answer some of my questions and I did post a few questions and responses. The people were very nice but I didn't really benefit from the exchanges. Then all of a sudden I received an email from a girl who asked me if I gave advice. I responded "What kind of advice are you looking for?" She then told me that she has been CDing for several years now and if I had any tips for her to look better. She then asked me if she passed as a woman....

Ok, I know that she was looking for validation and I could've fudged it a little and told her that she was beautiful etc but I couldn't bring myself to lie to her. Yes, I can tell "white lies" at times but when it comes to genderswitching I find that area too close to me and way too important to just fluff it off and tell people what I think they want to hear. Plus the fact I've always had issues with the concept of passing (like you're a deceiver and you've tricked people! ha ha!) and I really wanted to tell her the truth, the way it really is...

She was a nice looking gal but number one, she did not smile. I don't get why more Transpeeps don't smile especially when they are taking a pic presenting in their preferred/true gender. Smile for the pic, Hon! Number two, she had a rather longish wig on and she was not a young person. Number three, I knew that she desperately wanted to hear nothing but good things. To me, exploring your gender is serious stuff and the truth is the way to go.

But I said all these things rather nicely. I told her that first of all, hardly any of us pass 100% of the time. You can be the most beautiful woman from a face to face encounter but just turn a little bit and suddenly you look not so beautiful. Even the cutest girls will look "questionable" if you see them from several angles, so instead of worrying about passing i told her to just go out, enjoy herself and have fun! Enjoy your new outfit, meet people, dance, dine, chat, laugh and smile! These are the things to dwell on! Don't be nervously, constantly thinking that you don't pass. Be confident, have fun and enjoy life!

I told her that she dresses very nicely. I also told her that a little smile would definitely help when people look at you. I followed that up with "I found that I get Ma'am ed a lot when I wear a shorter style of hair." I tried to make it truthful but positive and fun seeking. She never wrote me back...

Ok, I know a lot of girls don't want to hear what I said. A lot of girls want to be Barbie dolls and be told that they pass and/or that they are sexy, beautiful women but guess what???

I still think using the truth is the way to approach your gender search. Clear the mind of the Barbie doll thoughts and look around at other women your own age. Are they wearing mini dresses? Do their tummies poke out? Are they wearing long wigs? I know that there are always exceptions but realistically the answer is no, no and no... Oh, in the past I wore mini dresses too and age inappropriate wigs but I always saved them for Trannie events where anything goes. In the mainstream public it is a totally different story.

Perhaps i needlessly poke the air out of their tires and ruin their fun. I don't mean to do that at all. I want them to explore life, have fun and hopefully learn a little about themself. When they "Barbie doll up" they draw attention to themselves and sometimes that's not a good thing. Then they ask if they pass...

I don't know, I just don't know...I'm not sure what's going through their minds. Dress sexy, wear long wigs, wear heels and then ask if they pass....and when they don't pass they get irritated, become very self conscious, and some may even become hysterical and lose it.

I've always felt that age old saying fits, "It is what it is." Accept who you are! Being an old unfeminine looking woman is not the worst thing in the world to be! What really counts is your soul, your spirit, your being and finding true peace and happiness! I think so anyway but then again maybe I'm the dreamer.

"Nowhere to Look but Up!!!"

Since just before August began I have gone through a lot of experiences, emotions and thoughts. On August 1st I attended a wedding (yay!), (my third now as Deja, yay!), reunited with an old boyfriend (yay!) , wasn't invited to a family birthday that my Mom went to (ow!), felt worse as my Mom was brought to the event by my ex (ow!) and her new hubby (very big ow!!!), felt separation anxiety as the old boyfriend left (ow!), reconnected with another man (yay!), hung with 3 good friends for a weekend (yay!), went to a nice party (yay!). thought about my future in the family (yay and ow!), thought about my future being with/without somebody (yay!/ow!) had 3 nights of crying (ow!), almost broke down crying at work (ow!), had one night of anger (ow!), saw the fruits of my writing (of my struggles with family and friends acceptance) published (yay and ow!)http://www.therainbowtimesmass.com/ (Click on the underlined hyperlink, click on the blonde gal and scroll to page 6), needed one night to be alone with no human contact (ow!), felt terrible (ow!), felt good (yay!), felt great *yay!), gained more confidence in myself (yay!) and now I'm ready to go at life and enjoy it to the fullest (yaaaaaaayyyyyyy!!!!!) . I never thought that two weeks could be so crazy on me!!! Ride the roller coaster of life, Deja!!!

What it comes down to is that once again I have learned to look at life positively, do not depend on anyone but myself for my happiness and to go out and live and experience and enjoy life!!! Yes, I have always done so since becoming Deja but sometimes I have to relearn it. I know I will relearn it again and again in the future. As long as I can relearn this I will be able to look at life where it meets with truth.

Sometimes truth can get you down. All of a sudden you see your shortcomings, yourself aging, the negative things about yourself etc. Things that you thought were rock solid and all good suddenly are neither. Wham!!! It happens!!! It happens to all of us and we have to deal with it. That's life!!!

I've always tried to see the truth and to be positive. These are my help with which I face the world every day. I also have my smile and my confidence.With these assets I can deal with most anything, but some days are tougher than others. Somedays my smile is absent and my confidence is shaken, truth hits me and leaves me vulnerable and my positivity may retreat for a while, but time heals me and I see things in a new light. Things that seemed huge are suddenly minimal and my assets return in full force. I have been wounded, healed myself, and now am headed out into the world for more!!

I see a lot of people who are steeped in anger and negativity. Some may even try to take my positive energy from me but most are so wrapped up in their own misery that I don't feel their pull to negativity. I try to steer myself to more positive people and feed off them as they do off me. That's how I do it.

I love to live, to love, to smile, to dance, to sing to play my guitar, to write, to share ideas, to laugh, to overcome the bad with the good,even if it's just for a while. A good friend recently told me that even when he gets ill he says to himself, "How can I make this fun?" That is such an outstanding outlook!!! That is sooo precious!!! I love to hear and learn messages such as that!!!

Let's face it, we live, we err, we get hurt, we feel bad, we get better we try again, we learn, we relearn. We've got to keep going and while we are at it why not have fun??? That's how I want to live!! I think that my new mantra is "There's nowhere to look but up!!!"

"Up Close and Personal..."

July is winding down, 2009 is half over. The summer in New England just seemed to get started but it's also been very rainy. Work is perpetually crazy and demanding yet I am thankful to even have a job. I've been in contact with my old boyfriend but this time just as friends and I just received my second letter approving me for GRS. Life seems to be ongoing and flowing as time seems to be passing very quickly!!!

And speaking of quickly, what's been on my mind mostly is my upcoming GRS! I have no date yet as I am still in the process of gathering paperwork, getting my duckies in a row and picking out a surgeon. I narrowed it down to two, Dr Bressard in Montreal and Dr Honig who is very close by (45 minutes!) in Farmington, CT. After flip flopping several times, currently I am leaning towards Dr Honig.

Yes, I know, Dr Bressard is the king of GRS having performed over 2000 procedures and I've personally seen his work up close from friends who have shared. No doubt about it, he's very good!!!

But he is a plastic surgeon. And I have heard some things about his work that has me concerned. Oh, the instances are very few but still they are there.

Dr Honig, on the other hand, is a urologist who specializes in males. This guy knows the ins and outs of the male workings "down under" and he's already done penectomies, orchidectomies and he has had to work with the prostate so he is used to making a canal much like a vaginal canal to get to the prostate. The only thing that he doesn't do is the labiaplasty. He leaves that to a very well locally respected plastic surgeon, Dr Jonathan Schreiber who trained in San Franciso and New York City with some of the top cosmetic surgeons in the world.. Dr Schreiber's technique is to actually pull down the skin from the abdomen and secure it on the labia majora. The result is no marks and a little bit of a "tummy tuck". That sounds like a "win-win" situation and that sounds good to me!!!

Plus I like the fact that both of these doctors are within minutes of me!!!

So I am getting my paperwork together and I will submit it to Dr Honig. My insurance from work will actually cover my GRS which is awesome!!! But then again, it is insurance and it will take time to process things as, you know, insurance does...

It will be nice to have a vagina and a clitoris though!!!

Yes, I know, my earlier blog posts from the past few years always took a "not for me" stance on GRS and once again I have flipped-flopped just as I did with electrology, going on hormones and transitioning. In earlier times I was firmly against each of these feminizing procedures. One by one, I relinquished my original position and eventually took up the polar opposite of each "no." I have thought long and hard over these issues and with each one I have finally felt secure in my "opposite" decisions. I know that I am not like most Trans who just seem to dive into everything right away and all at once. I did a step by step slow progression. But then again I've always been like that in anything that I ever did. I was always the last person to "dive into the lake", "take that first drink", or "go out dressed in public." Maybe I'm afraid, maybe I am concerned or maybe I just didn't feel safe doing these "new" things. I much preferred to watch others and see how they dealt with these situations. When I finally got the nerve or confidence to do these new things then I usually embraced them wholeheartedly.

There were a few things that I never tried nor ever wanted to try such as driving a motorcycle, firing a gun, lift weights, gamble or even wanting a showgirl to dance for me when I was out "with the guys" and they were all gung ho to watch the ladies dance. Put yer dollar down and watch the show!!! Me? I would talk to the girls and maybe even dance with them in a very non sexual way. I guess that I didn't make a very good male who likes engine noises, guns, bodybuilding and objectifying women. Now i am digressing, sorry,...back to the point...

But I really do finally want a vagina and clitoris now!!! It's time!!! I know it is!!! I need them to continue my life. I want to finally change all of my legal documents to "female". They're about half and half now. Legally I guess that currently I am both male or female depending on what form you are referring to... But with a surgeon's letter I will be able to change them all!!! Yay!!!

And there will be no more uncomfortable, sweaty tucking!!! Yay!!! It's funny, but after I tuck i immediately forget about even having a penis and scrotum and it doesn't even cross my mind until I go to the bathroom when I pull my panties down and"thud" they they are. Oh yeah, i forgot that I still have these...

I will also be able to "receive" which has always been a dream of mine. I want to be entered in that way...

So I am sorry for getting up close and personal but then again what do you really expect a Transwoman to think about when she is thinking about GRS???


So time is passing and life is flowing and I'm ready to take on my last physically feminizing step. That is unless I opt for FFS or breast augmentation or....on and on... No. I think that I shall stop with GRS. But then again I now know never to say never.....