Am I an "Narci?"

Most of us have members of our family who are not at all happy with us. We changed and they do not like it. Like most of us, i have people in my family who will not communicate with me or meet me or even acknowledge me. It's very sad but what are you gonna do about it? C'est la vie.

One of the "non believers" in my family is my oldest sister. Her view is that there is no such thing as Transgender and that I am narcissistic and selfish for doing what I did when I transitioned. Of course she is wrong about there being no such thing as Transgender but I have been thinking lately about the narcissistic element.

A few years ago at a Trans support meeting one girl asked us each to think and say something that might have value to us all. A rather quiet girl who pretty much keeps to herself offered "Listen to people to what they say about you." This has always stuck in my mind.

Sometimes we don't want to hear everything that people say about us. Sometimes it is not good things but sometimes we do need to hear it...

Now back to the narcissistic thing...

There are many definitions of narcissism but I choose this one, " A personality disorder in which a person is so self-absorbed that the needs and feelings of others do not matter." I think that pretty much sums it up in one sentence!

I have been observing people with this definition in mind. Yes, narcissism touches all walks of life and all of us have levels of it but I do see it deeply ingrained in some Transpeeps. I have met folks who are constantly thinking only of themselves and they take offense if you ever disagree with them. It must be their way or no way and forget about the idea of agreeing to disagree.

I have noticed people lashing out at friends when they feel that their world is crumbling or not going their way. There are Transpeeps that will never speak to each again because somehow they felt that their views were attacked and that they did not like it one bit. They probably will never reconcile. C'est la vie.

As far as me being narcissistic....well I have taken about a zillion pics of myself and one of the definitions of narcissism is the love of oneself. In that case I am no doubt, guilty of this definition of narcissism. I do love myself and I believe that this is a good thing. How can you love others if you don't love yourself? Yes, I plead guilty to narcissism by this definition and I stand by it's merits.

But I do not believe that I am "so self-absorbed that the needs and feelings of others do not matter." If this is true please someone tell me but I really don't think it is so. I've always thought about others and tried to please them since I was very young. I quickly learned that if you respect others they will like you and your life will be easier with them. I found that smiling and being happy was generally well accepted by everyone and it worked for me. I still believe this to this day.

I grew up in a house with two sisters and I learned about respecting women. I married and had 3 children and I learned that my needs come last and my families come first. I had 3 little hungry mouths to feed and clothe and love. But when September 11, 2001 came that started me thinking about myself more. I always knew that there was a feminine spirit inside of me that was eager to surface but I stuffed her way down in my soul because I had responsibilities. By 2001 my family was growing (my youngest was then 16) and the awful feeling of knowing that i could die at any minute and go to my grave never, ever exploring who I am scared me. So yes, I did begin thinking of myself but darn it, I am who I am and I need to be me. Stuffing my true self down, down, down way deep in my soul was a lot harder to do now. I knew that time was running out. A month later I turned 50.

Lots of stuff happened, some good,some bad. One of the good was that I finally found my center and found peace in my life. One of the bad is that my ex divorced me and that there are family members who don't want to deal with me. Am I selfish to become who I am? I do still care about my family members and their needs and feelings but they just seem to want to forget about me. I don't know how to get them back unless I detransition back to being male but that is not a real option. I would have to give up my peace and my center. I would be very unhappy and probably eventually look to exit...

I just don't think that I am narcissistic. I've seen the "narci" person operate and I am not like that. My other sister who loves and accepts me also says that i am not like that. I have heard some possible narci things about me from Transpeeps mostly because of my picture takings and my short whimsical statements when someone else is talking but I do remain quiet and listen while someone else is talking. I was called "a spoiled brat" in the past two weeks but it came from a very narcissistic person who spouted off about several of us and there was waaay worse things said about the others.

But I've also gotten comments on how surprised people are when I play guitar and sing. Until they hear me play they think that I am just a person who noodles around but I really can entertain, I don't make a big deal about it. I've also been called pretty and have had lots of nice comments on my body parts but I don't make a big deal about it. I am just me. Yes, I am special but so is everyone else!

I really don't feel the narcissism. I can feel the needs and feelings of others, I listen to others, I compliment others, I do say "I" a lot though!!! Hee hee!!!!

So i do admit to having a level of narcissism but I don't believe that it's bad.As far as my family not accepting me and wanting me to be who they think I should be...maybe they are the ones who are a little too narcissistic????

"What is Truth and Who is the Dreamer?"

About a month ago a friend asked me to joining a Trans website. I checked out the site and I was immediately hit with ads for life like breast forms and articles and books on how to pass as a woman. I think I even saw one that stated that "There is no excuse for not passing as a beautiful woman." Ok, I thought to myself, I've come upon yet another Crossdressing site. Sites like these are wonderful for us girls who are exploring that part of themselves but not so much for us girls who are living full time and are dealing with everyday life. I begrudgingly joined the site and poked around a bit. I did find forums that might answer some of my questions and I did post a few questions and responses. The people were very nice but I didn't really benefit from the exchanges. Then all of a sudden I received an email from a girl who asked me if I gave advice. I responded "What kind of advice are you looking for?" She then told me that she has been CDing for several years now and if I had any tips for her to look better. She then asked me if she passed as a woman....

Ok, I know that she was looking for validation and I could've fudged it a little and told her that she was beautiful etc but I couldn't bring myself to lie to her. Yes, I can tell "white lies" at times but when it comes to genderswitching I find that area too close to me and way too important to just fluff it off and tell people what I think they want to hear. Plus the fact I've always had issues with the concept of passing (like you're a deceiver and you've tricked people! ha ha!) and I really wanted to tell her the truth, the way it really is...

She was a nice looking gal but number one, she did not smile. I don't get why more Transpeeps don't smile especially when they are taking a pic presenting in their preferred/true gender. Smile for the pic, Hon! Number two, she had a rather longish wig on and she was not a young person. Number three, I knew that she desperately wanted to hear nothing but good things. To me, exploring your gender is serious stuff and the truth is the way to go.

But I said all these things rather nicely. I told her that first of all, hardly any of us pass 100% of the time. You can be the most beautiful woman from a face to face encounter but just turn a little bit and suddenly you look not so beautiful. Even the cutest girls will look "questionable" if you see them from several angles, so instead of worrying about passing i told her to just go out, enjoy herself and have fun! Enjoy your new outfit, meet people, dance, dine, chat, laugh and smile! These are the things to dwell on! Don't be nervously, constantly thinking that you don't pass. Be confident, have fun and enjoy life!

I told her that she dresses very nicely. I also told her that a little smile would definitely help when people look at you. I followed that up with "I found that I get Ma'am ed a lot when I wear a shorter style of hair." I tried to make it truthful but positive and fun seeking. She never wrote me back...

Ok, I know a lot of girls don't want to hear what I said. A lot of girls want to be Barbie dolls and be told that they pass and/or that they are sexy, beautiful women but guess what???

I still think using the truth is the way to approach your gender search. Clear the mind of the Barbie doll thoughts and look around at other women your own age. Are they wearing mini dresses? Do their tummies poke out? Are they wearing long wigs? I know that there are always exceptions but realistically the answer is no, no and no... Oh, in the past I wore mini dresses too and age inappropriate wigs but I always saved them for Trannie events where anything goes. In the mainstream public it is a totally different story.

Perhaps i needlessly poke the air out of their tires and ruin their fun. I don't mean to do that at all. I want them to explore life, have fun and hopefully learn a little about themself. When they "Barbie doll up" they draw attention to themselves and sometimes that's not a good thing. Then they ask if they pass...

I don't know, I just don't know...I'm not sure what's going through their minds. Dress sexy, wear long wigs, wear heels and then ask if they pass....and when they don't pass they get irritated, become very self conscious, and some may even become hysterical and lose it.

I've always felt that age old saying fits, "It is what it is." Accept who you are! Being an old unfeminine looking woman is not the worst thing in the world to be! What really counts is your soul, your spirit, your being and finding true peace and happiness! I think so anyway but then again maybe I'm the dreamer.

"Nowhere to Look but Up!!!"

Since just before August began I have gone through a lot of experiences, emotions and thoughts. On August 1st I attended a wedding (yay!), (my third now as Deja, yay!), reunited with an old boyfriend (yay!) , wasn't invited to a family birthday that my Mom went to (ow!), felt worse as my Mom was brought to the event by my ex (ow!) and her new hubby (very big ow!!!), felt separation anxiety as the old boyfriend left (ow!), reconnected with another man (yay!), hung with 3 good friends for a weekend (yay!), went to a nice party (yay!). thought about my future in the family (yay and ow!), thought about my future being with/without somebody (yay!/ow!) had 3 nights of crying (ow!), almost broke down crying at work (ow!), had one night of anger (ow!), saw the fruits of my writing (of my struggles with family and friends acceptance) published (yay and ow!)http://www.therainbowtimesmass.com/ (Click on the underlined hyperlink, click on the blonde gal and scroll to page 6), needed one night to be alone with no human contact (ow!), felt terrible (ow!), felt good (yay!), felt great *yay!), gained more confidence in myself (yay!) and now I'm ready to go at life and enjoy it to the fullest (yaaaaaaayyyyyyy!!!!!) . I never thought that two weeks could be so crazy on me!!! Ride the roller coaster of life, Deja!!!

What it comes down to is that once again I have learned to look at life positively, do not depend on anyone but myself for my happiness and to go out and live and experience and enjoy life!!! Yes, I have always done so since becoming Deja but sometimes I have to relearn it. I know I will relearn it again and again in the future. As long as I can relearn this I will be able to look at life where it meets with truth.

Sometimes truth can get you down. All of a sudden you see your shortcomings, yourself aging, the negative things about yourself etc. Things that you thought were rock solid and all good suddenly are neither. Wham!!! It happens!!! It happens to all of us and we have to deal with it. That's life!!!

I've always tried to see the truth and to be positive. These are my help with which I face the world every day. I also have my smile and my confidence.With these assets I can deal with most anything, but some days are tougher than others. Somedays my smile is absent and my confidence is shaken, truth hits me and leaves me vulnerable and my positivity may retreat for a while, but time heals me and I see things in a new light. Things that seemed huge are suddenly minimal and my assets return in full force. I have been wounded, healed myself, and now am headed out into the world for more!!

I see a lot of people who are steeped in anger and negativity. Some may even try to take my positive energy from me but most are so wrapped up in their own misery that I don't feel their pull to negativity. I try to steer myself to more positive people and feed off them as they do off me. That's how I do it.

I love to live, to love, to smile, to dance, to sing to play my guitar, to write, to share ideas, to laugh, to overcome the bad with the good,even if it's just for a while. A good friend recently told me that even when he gets ill he says to himself, "How can I make this fun?" That is such an outstanding outlook!!! That is sooo precious!!! I love to hear and learn messages such as that!!!

Let's face it, we live, we err, we get hurt, we feel bad, we get better we try again, we learn, we relearn. We've got to keep going and while we are at it why not have fun??? That's how I want to live!! I think that my new mantra is "There's nowhere to look but up!!!"

"Up Close and Personal..."

July is winding down, 2009 is half over. The summer in New England just seemed to get started but it's also been very rainy. Work is perpetually crazy and demanding yet I am thankful to even have a job. I've been in contact with my old boyfriend but this time just as friends and I just received my second letter approving me for GRS. Life seems to be ongoing and flowing as time seems to be passing very quickly!!!

And speaking of quickly, what's been on my mind mostly is my upcoming GRS! I have no date yet as I am still in the process of gathering paperwork, getting my duckies in a row and picking out a surgeon. I narrowed it down to two, Dr Bressard in Montreal and Dr Honig who is very close by (45 minutes!) in Farmington, CT. After flip flopping several times, currently I am leaning towards Dr Honig.

Yes, I know, Dr Bressard is the king of GRS having performed over 2000 procedures and I've personally seen his work up close from friends who have shared. No doubt about it, he's very good!!!

But he is a plastic surgeon. And I have heard some things about his work that has me concerned. Oh, the instances are very few but still they are there.

Dr Honig, on the other hand, is a urologist who specializes in males. This guy knows the ins and outs of the male workings "down under" and he's already done penectomies, orchidectomies and he has had to work with the prostate so he is used to making a canal much like a vaginal canal to get to the prostate. The only thing that he doesn't do is the labiaplasty. He leaves that to a very well locally respected plastic surgeon, Dr Jonathan Schreiber who trained in San Franciso and New York City with some of the top cosmetic surgeons in the world.. Dr Schreiber's technique is to actually pull down the skin from the abdomen and secure it on the labia majora. The result is no marks and a little bit of a "tummy tuck". That sounds like a "win-win" situation and that sounds good to me!!!

Plus I like the fact that both of these doctors are within minutes of me!!!

So I am getting my paperwork together and I will submit it to Dr Honig. My insurance from work will actually cover my GRS which is awesome!!! But then again, it is insurance and it will take time to process things as, you know, insurance does...

It will be nice to have a vagina and a clitoris though!!!

Yes, I know, my earlier blog posts from the past few years always took a "not for me" stance on GRS and once again I have flipped-flopped just as I did with electrology, going on hormones and transitioning. In earlier times I was firmly against each of these feminizing procedures. One by one, I relinquished my original position and eventually took up the polar opposite of each "no." I have thought long and hard over these issues and with each one I have finally felt secure in my "opposite" decisions. I know that I am not like most Trans who just seem to dive into everything right away and all at once. I did a step by step slow progression. But then again I've always been like that in anything that I ever did. I was always the last person to "dive into the lake", "take that first drink", or "go out dressed in public." Maybe I'm afraid, maybe I am concerned or maybe I just didn't feel safe doing these "new" things. I much preferred to watch others and see how they dealt with these situations. When I finally got the nerve or confidence to do these new things then I usually embraced them wholeheartedly.

There were a few things that I never tried nor ever wanted to try such as driving a motorcycle, firing a gun, lift weights, gamble or even wanting a showgirl to dance for me when I was out "with the guys" and they were all gung ho to watch the ladies dance. Put yer dollar down and watch the show!!! Me? I would talk to the girls and maybe even dance with them in a very non sexual way. I guess that I didn't make a very good male who likes engine noises, guns, bodybuilding and objectifying women. Now i am digressing, sorry,...back to the point...

But I really do finally want a vagina and clitoris now!!! It's time!!! I know it is!!! I need them to continue my life. I want to finally change all of my legal documents to "female". They're about half and half now. Legally I guess that currently I am both male or female depending on what form you are referring to... But with a surgeon's letter I will be able to change them all!!! Yay!!!

And there will be no more uncomfortable, sweaty tucking!!! Yay!!! It's funny, but after I tuck i immediately forget about even having a penis and scrotum and it doesn't even cross my mind until I go to the bathroom when I pull my panties down and"thud" they they are. Oh yeah, i forgot that I still have these...

I will also be able to "receive" which has always been a dream of mine. I want to be entered in that way...

So I am sorry for getting up close and personal but then again what do you really expect a Transwoman to think about when she is thinking about GRS???


So time is passing and life is flowing and I'm ready to take on my last physically feminizing step. That is unless I opt for FFS or breast augmentation or....on and on... No. I think that I shall stop with GRS. But then again I now know never to say never.....

"Pride Thoughts and Trans Life Thoughts"

June, 28, 2009 was the New York City Pride parade 2009. It was the 40th anniversary of the Stonewall riots which jolted the Gay movement. We've come a long way since June 1969 but we still have a ways to go.

I've always loved the Pride parades and I go to as many of them as I can. This year I marched in Northampton, Massachusetts, Boston, Massachusetts and now New York City. These were all great events and I always cherish being a marcher in all of them.

I have trouble with understanding why others don't like to march in Pride parades. I think they are wonderful reminders of how we have grown from the painful, confusing, shameful, suppressing closets to being open and free and living life as we really should have from the beginning. It is such a joyous occasion to march in a parade and shout "I am who I am and I am proud of myself!!!" To see others feeling the same thing is a wonderful experience! It is sooo empowering and it gives me sooo much peace in my soul. I love these feelings and I look forward to them every time I march.

But not everyone shares my enthusiasm in marching in Pride parades. I guess that I have to accept that we are all different and that expressing joy in a parade is not even on the minds of most of the Transgender community. I find that curious and rather sad...

I try to figure out and understand the reasons that most Trans do not march. I know that some folks are trying to live in stealth and don't even want to be connected with us who are open and proud. I know that some folks are disabled and there's no way that they can march. I know that some folks are just plain shy and they do not want to be in the "public eye". I also know that some Trans do not want to be associated with Gays because of either being scared of being labelled Gay themselves or that they don't trust the Gays politically. There are some of the reasons that I think I've figured out. I'm sure there are more...

Whatever the reason(s), i wonder if these aforementioned people feel good about themselves and proud of being who they are? I realize that you don't need a Pride to feel good about yourself but let me tell you, it definitely helps! All through the parades the themes of "Be yourself", "Be Proud", "Be at peace with yourself" and other themes are shared by everyone in the parade and all the spectators of the parade. It's just a great sense of a huge, positive community!!!

I also like to march to show others what Trans looks like. Face it, most of us are in the closet so the only references we get are crazy talk shows and scary movies and arrest stories that the press uses for "sideshow" purposes to sell their papers.

But when they see us in the parade then they may realize that we are all not crazy and unbalanced, or psychotic killers or crazy criminals who were arrested while "dressing in the clothes of the opposite sex." They can see that we are everyday, normal, boring people just like everyone else!

Besides the Pride parades I also live openly as Trans. I believe that this helps our cause by showing that I am a neighbor, a coworker, a family member, a friend, a community member, a real person with real wants and needs. This will help non Transpeeps to understand us a little better and back us when we ask for the same rights everyone else has.

I know that it is not easy to live openly. I live it. The stares, the wrong pronouns, the refusal to accept us, the refusal to respect us and ultimately, us being marginalized... But who said life was ever fair? We have to meet these challenges every day and show the world that we are real, decent human beings and that we are just as much a part of this world as anyone!

So I live openly. I march in Pride parades. I want to change the world but I realize that it starts with small steps at a time before we are accepted as "normal" into society. I know that we will get there but as I stated before, we still have a long ways to go.

"Who Am I?"

"Who am I?" Did you ever ask yourself "Who am I?" Try asking yourself that. Then ask it again and again and again.

I found that question with many other questions on an empowering questions video on the net. The questions were pretty interesting but this by far is my favorite one "Who am I?"

Everyone should ask themselves this question over and over and over again. It's probably the most important question to ask yourself. It's especially important to me Especially because I am Transgender.

You might start answering that question with other questions, what do I do, who do I love, what do I say, how do I react to things, what do i love, what makes me happy, what makes me sad etc. Or you could try to describe yourself. You could describe yourself physically, or mentally or spiritually. Or you could focus on your dreams, your thoughts your words, your actions. There are many ways to think about who you are.

My first answer to this "Who Am I?" question is "I am Deja." Not only do I mean this literally, as in this is my name, but I also mean it in describing who I am, what my thought processes are, what kind of a person I am, what i do (not as a profession but as what I do in life as I live everyday) what makes me tick, why I smile frequently, why I laugh several times throughout the day. All these things make up me, who I am. Deja to me is more than a word, it is a way of life. It is the way of my life.

I got off on this provocative question because I was thinking of my life and since I'm Transgender, the lives of others who are Transgender. When you are Transgender eventually there will eventually come the questions of should I transition, am I ok with where I am now, am I not ok with where I am now, would it be better to transition, would it be better if I didn't transition? How about, would I stay the same even if I transitioned???

I have seen many people transition and a lot have shown great happiness when they transitioned. But I have also seen not so happy people who have transitioned. And then there are the ones who were originally happy and then somehow lost their happiness.

I've seen a lot of folks rush into transitioning with electrolysis, laser, hormones, and body modifications. It was almost like they were on a high with all the new changes and then when they went as far as they could, the high somehow got lost. I've heard several people say that after all the changes and the transition that's when the hard part begins. I think what they are speaking of is that's when a lot of folks start asking that question "Who am I?" It's funny because one would think that that should be the first question to consider when one is thinking of transitioning but in a lot of cases i don't think it was. I have seen sooo many girls just focusing on what they have to do to become women that they never really explore who they really are. It's only after the transition fact that the "who am I" truly hits them. Maybe that's why they lose their smile. That's what I suspect anyway.

Myself, I've gone, comparatively to most, incredibly slow in my transition and I'm still not done yet. And all the while I've kept my smile. I think it's because I've always asked who I was again and again and again. I still ask myself today and I'm still smiling. I'll continue to ask myself and I'm betting that I will still be smiling. This might be why I am so different from the majority of Transfolk. I was more concerned in who I was rather than what I must do to become a woman.

Looking back throughout my life I've never felt that I really "fit in" like I imagined others did. Being young and Trans I knew that i felt different from the other little boys. When I reached high school age I didn't rush to date the girls. I didn't lose my virginity until after age 21. I always felt uncomfortable in "locker room talk". I've always disliked the phrase "the opposite sex". It wasn't until I was married and became a dad when I started to feel like I "fit in" but still then I was secretly dreaming of being female.

When I finally sought Trans support groups I never felt a connection to what the others were going through whether they were transitioning or being fine with CDing. I thought that I was beginning to be fine with CDing but then I realized that it was much deeper. I fought off electro and then I fought off hormones. Then I fought off transitioning and until late last year I fought off seriously thinking of surgery. No one I know has taken so long, gone so slowly and fought every inch of the way. But that is who I am.

I am a very cautious person who took her transition one step at a time and with month/years in between steps. Some may say it's denial but i think it's just who I am.

Now I am transitioned almost a year and a half ago and now I am getting my ducks in a row for my bottom surgery. Yes, it was a long time coming but then again so is realizing who you are.

So I will continue to ask myself who I am and I think the answer will always be "Deja" (thought the concept of Deja may change) and I believe that I will always be smiling. It's just who I am.

Stained Glass Windows and Love and Kindness

The pic is from the National Cathedral in Washington, DC, USA. This piece is called the "Rose Window" and was designed and built by Rowan LaCompte.

I was on my way home from a nice breakfast at my local Panera cafe while I was listening to NPR and heard Mr LaCompte's story. This man started at age 16 in his field of painting and architecture and the like. His works include 45 stained glass windows and 6 mosaic murals in the National Cathedral. As I listened to the NPR interview I was struck by his religious views.

The NPR reporter had stated that it suddenly occured to him how Rowan's works caught the awe and the religious sense of most everyone who viewed the works. The awe and sense that most people felt was that of God. The reporter then asked Mr LaCompte if he believed in God. His answer was "I believe in love and kindness and if that is what God is then I am delighted." Rowan then added about his thoughts of hopes for an afterlife and to see all the people who he loved dearly but had died, especially his brother and his mother whom he called the most loving and kind person in the world.

Further into this short interview Mr, LaCompte wished that the churches and religions of today would show love and kindness to everyone and not spend their time yelling at people and telling them that they would go to hell. Touche, Mr LaCompte!!!

At the end of the interview a story was told about the ladies who give the tours of the Cathedral. You see, Mr Lacompte's stained glass windows and the power of the sun passing through them would cast colorful lights inside of the cathedrals. One day a 5 year old girl had found this big red circle inside the cathedral and was happily dancing in it. The guides asked her what she was doing. The little girl said "I have found the end of the rainbow!" Indeed she had!