Let's talk about dating between a man and a transwoman.

Let's talk about dating between a man and a transwoman.

It was a little over two years ago when I began taking part in dating sites. I had been interested in men for a couple of years prior so with the help of a girlfriend I started to play around with dating sites. I would get lots of hits but not too many messages. Lots of winks and flirts and icebreakers and such but nothing solid. It wasn't until I joined a trans dating site that I began receiving messages. After about 3 months on the trans site one guy and I hit it off and we actually started dating. It lasted for about 4 months and it was very nice. He finally moved on to a genetic woman and we still do keep in touch now and then. he taught me a lot about men who date transwomen. He told me that there are many men out there who are dying to date transwomen but they are afraid. I asked him why are they afraid and he said "Deja, remember how scared you were when you first started wearing women's clothes in public? Well, that's how scared these men are who want to date you!". I then understood the level of fear that these men have.

He went on to say that these men really are very interested in dating us girls but this is all new to them and confusing and exciting and scary at the same time. I can understand those feelings since that's exactly how i felt when I first going out enfemme in public. Being with a trans girl is terrifying and wonderful for them. They are scared to death about running into someone who knows them just as I was in my early days. If they are "caught" by a friend, a family member or a coworker they might be approached with the very politically incorrect questions "Why are you dating this person? Why don't you date a real girl?"...Owwww!!!!!

Tonight I had a coffee date with a man who sought me outside of any dating venues. This man tracked me down through the trans column that I write for a local monthly. We chatted on the phone and set up a date within a couple of phone calls. Between yesterday and today he called me four or five times, the last time being just a little more than the hour in which we would meet. I was at the public meeting place that we agreed upon and about five minutes passed the time we were to meet he called me. He was very nice and very scared. He could not bring himself to come to the meeting place to see me. He admitted to being very nervous. After a few minutes on the phone we agreed to meet with each of us in our respective cars. We chatted for about 10 minutes and then he said that he had to get going. He was obviously nervous but at the same time very happy that he was talking to me. He apologized several times during our conversations then he abruptly left saying goodbye and thanks and we'll do this again as his car was moving. I just sat there watching his car drive away. I was in total shock at this point....

So I had a 25 minute date today...Not quite what I expected but I guess it is what it is...

This coming Saturday I am supposed to go on a date with anothe man whom I met on the trans dating site. He was slow but steady at first with his emails but when I expressed interest he opened up and I thought that this will be great! He lives a couple of hours away from me and I picked out the town that we would meet in and he was to pick out the restaurant. He has not written me in over a week. I have written him three timesun that same period. Methinks that theis guy is now getting cold feet. I'm not totally sure yet but I felt it before tonight's 25 minute date with the other guy.

So at beginning of this week I had not one, but two dates lined up! The first one fizzled and now the second one has a good chance of not even happening.....What's the problem?....The answer is that these men are scared and nervous about dating me, atranswoman. I'm not sure how this plays ourt for them but for me it is frustrating. I guess that I have to be patient and keep on waiting for that brave soul who is not nervous and will gladly date me as my first man did. As for the men who want to date me but are too scared I don't know what to say to make them feel more secure. I think that it's something that they have to work out themselves from within. Until then I guess that I will just have to wait.

"Looking Back at My Life and Now...Perspectives, Especially Relationship Ones..."

2009 is coming to a close. So is the first decade of the 2000s. As time marches on we find ourselves getting older and sometimes our perspectives change on things. Being Transgender most likely will add to the perspective changes. After all, we are essentially living another life as we "start all over again" in our "new" gender.

Yes, when we first get the courage to dress as our "new" gender all kinds of thoughts run through our heads, in my particular case going from male to female. "Do I look ok ? Do I look like everyone else? Do I stand out too much? Heck, I wanna wear a mini and heels! Why shouldn't I? Do I have too much makeup on? Is that guy looking at me? Are those teens laughing at me? Wait till the other girls see my outfit! I wonder what they will be wearing? Is it possible that I "pass?" Will people make fun of me? What if someone I know sees me?Omg! There's so and so from work! It's awesome to be out and about dressed like this! I'm sooooo scared!!! I can't go out dressed like this!!!! Why am I doing this? WTF am I doing? Am I more than a Crossdresser? Am I really a woman? Am I fooling myself? Heck, I can beat this thing! I can go back to being a man... No I can't!"

Lots of thoughts like the above continually blitzed my mind as I ventured into the "other side." First it was nervousness, then an acceptance of sorts (yes, I do like being a female and yes I am a Crossdresser ), then comes the doubts and the insecurities (Deja is way cool to hang with but she doesn't pass. I don't want her to out me simply by being with her.), the hurt and retaliation (So what if I don't pass? Actually neither do you, fantasy girl".) then the acceptance that you are really way more than a Crossdresser , then the electrolysis, the hormones, the taking steps to begin living in your "new" gender, the going full time, the changing of your documents to reflect your "new" gender. The losing of some friends and family who do not/will not understand, the acceptance that you are really Genderqueer who expresses in their "new" gender. The peace that comes with each acceptance and the accepting of others. Lots of stuff to go through, huh?

Then comes new relationships. These are hard for anyone but are even harder for Transpeople. Oh, let me tell you, there are lots of men out there veeeery interested in being with us Transwomen but at the same time they are scared to death to be seen with us in public. For lack of a better word, she-male porn is a huge internet commodity these days. We are definitely sought after but sadly it's mostly just a fantasy in men's minds who just cannot muster up the courage to have a relationship with us. Even if we find someone who is not afraid to be seen with us in public, in front of his friends and family there is still reservations. One good friend who is male told me recently "Yes, I like Transwomen but I just cannot see myself in a relationship now with someone who is going through their second puberty. The insecurities are too much to deal with at this point in my life". He's got a good point. Us Transwomen do have issues with insecurities and such.

Trying to hook up with women is another problem for most Tranwomen. As one good friend who is a Transwoman said to me "I don't want a woman like your average Lesbian. I want a woman who will dress more feminine and wear makeup". Good luck with that search!

S'funny, a lot of Transwomen who are Lesbians like to wear dresses and wear makeup while the majority of Lesbians do not.

I think what it comes down to is that most of us Transpeople are looking for straight men and straight women who will be our S/O. Currently, this is a toughie as most straight people prefer other straight people. Ibelieve that this will change in the future as we become more visible in society but we're not really there yet in most cases.

Again, relationships are wicked tough for everyone but even more so for Transpeople. Some Trans, however, do find love within the Trans community. I have seen MTFs with MTFs and FTMs with FTMs and MTFs with FTMs and these are pretty solid relationships, but some Transpeople do not want to be with another Transperson. This kinda floors me as these people want straight people to accept being with a Transperson but they themselves won't accept being with another Transperson. Hmmmm... On a recent post in Facebook I brought up the thought of possibly considering being with another Trans when looking for a partner and I was blasted for even bringing up the thought of "settling" for another Transperson. I was taken aback. I believe that love can be found anywhere and after all, don't Gays hook up with Gays and Lesbians hook up with Lesbians? Why not Trans with Trans? I guess that it's all relative and a matter of preference.

But whatever anyone says I will respect their point of view as I know that my POV changed many times on many things in my life, especially since I began living my Trans life openly. There really is no right and no wrong, there really just is. It's a matter of POVs and perspectives and where you are in life. It's really all about life. Now we will enter 2010. I wonder what lies ahead and how my perspectives will change.

Looking Back to 1999 and Comparing Ten Years later!!!

Wow!!! If we could go back in time 10 years or so and if you showed me this pic and told me that this would be me in the future I would have great trouble believing you! I was soooo in the closet in 1999! Oh, I was always thinking about expressing female back then but I stuffed any thoughts that I had way down deep in my soul so that no one would ever even think about me that way. It scared me and I was confused so I only brought out these thoughts every once in a while and it was only in my mind, never to be shared with anyone else. As I look back to 1999 I recall my fears and my repression and I find it so sad that I felt this way back then. I was truly afraid of expressing who I am and of being me. I was scared to death!!!

In 1999, I had 6 years in my present job, my 3 children were 21, 17 and 15, my ex was beginning to flourish in her career and things were pretty good. We owned a nice, older home in a very nice area and had just remodeled the kitchen with a breakfast bar and a bay window and built a spacious two car garage which could also easily hold tons of stuff. My band was gigging locally in town and other gigs not too far away and we would have parties a few times a year with my friends and family and many musicians would show up and play during the parties. Life was getting good, we had more money (up to that point we were scraping bottom to make ends meet!) and the ex and I were watching our children grow into adults. My son was situated in New Orleans, my daughter was getting ready to attend Vassar and my youngest son who has Asperger's Syndrome was beginning to learn how to deal with being an Aspie. Things were shaping up!

Even though I was very busy being a husband, father of 3, maintaining a home, 3 cars, gigging regularly in the band, throwing parties and dealing with all the many other things that go along with everyday life I would still go way deep in my soul and think of being female. I had Deja in a box and she only came out while I was driving when I would think about being her or in the bathroom mirror when I was all alone in the bathroom and staring at myself in the mirror wondering what my life would have been like if I had transitioned years ago. I was waaaay deep in the closet but the thought of me becoming a woman was always there.It was like a forbidden fantasy, or so I thought at the time.

My biggest push to explore my femininity was September 11, 2001 when the twin towers and the Pentagon were hit. Up to then I always told myself that i will deal with myself later, after all I have a family to think about supporting and I knew that my ex would not tolerate me being female and I was way too scared to do it anyway. But when the thought of me suddenly dying and not ever being able to express myself hit me big time. I could not bear even thinking about going to my grave never exploring who I truly was.After all, what is life about? What is it for? Why repress a huge part of me and never let her even be?

Of course the answers was that I was chicken and that I knew that Transgenders were not accepted by most people and many of them have difficult lives in regards to family support and financial woes.This would definitely be a huge step to take!

In 1999 I was moving into middle age and into the middle class. I had lots of friends and my ex and I were looked upon as having the perfect marriage. My ex and I began to take nice vacations together like Caribbean cruises, trips to Las Vegas and St John's in the Virgin Islands etc. Up to then it was usually family vacations which were fun but the children were doing their own thing then. Yep, I was settling into middle life and then pow!!!

So 9/11, therapy visits, visits to the local Transgender support groups, exploring myself as female, wearing makeup, wigs, dresses, heels, accessories, learning how to act ladylike and getting used to presenting female in public were now occupying more and more of my time. I moved out in spring 2003 and then I immediately became Deja more and more of the time. I had been deeply repressed for decades and now the floodgates were open and I just poured out Deja more and more as time went on!

Now I am looking at this above pic and I am thinking about how my life has changed in sooo many ways in the past 10 years. It's pretty incredible!!! Oh, there were very awful times during my transition with the lack of support from my family but I hung in there and it's slowly getting better. I hope so anyway. But there was also the incredibly wonderful moments of experiencing new things from the female perspective. Even with the loss of some family support I am still very happy with who I am and it is sooo nice to be abe to express myself after decades of very scary and sad repression. I am who I am!!!

But still, if you showed me that pic above ten years ago and told me that this would be me and that I would be living as a woman full time, still working at my same job, preferring men as my lovers and having my pic taken at an LGBT bar with a scantily clad young man I'm sure that my mouth would drop all the way to the floor!!! Yes, there certainly have been some changes the past decade!!!

"Thoughts on Transitioning"

I have been somewhat observing those who have transitioned and I believe the real key to a successful transition is to be happy with yourself. I know that sounds a bit simplistic but it really seems to play out.

In transitioning, the big thing to decide is to try the stealth route or the open Transpeep route. Both sides have their pros and cons. I believe that the stealth route is for those uncomfortable with being Trans and others knowing about it. They may slide into life unnoticed but they are always in fear of being outed. As long as they maintain their stealth they might enjoy life to the fullest as their true gender but from all the stealthies that I know I don't really see a lot of happiness. I'm sure that there are some but just the huge fear of being outed at any time must be awful. I remember that feeling when I was in my Crossdressing closet. You are forever and always on guard...Not a particularly settling way to live.

The out Transperson, on the other hand, has nothing to hide, nothing to be fearful of really. Yes, they may be looked upon as more Genderqueer than Trans but they get to live and be who they are. Now that is incredibly awesome!!! Plus the fact that no one can hold being Trans against them! Bonus!

But not all out Transpeeps are happy. I have also observed much sadness and other things in the Trans of the out world. But then again, most of these people may have been sad in the first place. It seem to my observation that the happy out Transpeeps are the ones who were happy souls from the beginning. Hey, how do these people feel so happy anyway?

Some of them have always had a happy life, full of love and respect so they just continue on that avenue. Most of those who have had happy lives also seem to have better than average people skills. They can deal with people a bit better than most. For instance, when a non Trans refers to one of us as our natal gender what happens? I have seen some people have over the top fits about this while others just handle it tres cool. Don't make a big deal, just ignore or politely correct is the correct answer. Breaking down and losing it with anger or crying are not good answers and won't garner any sympathy. Trust me.

I have often been accused of not feeling sympathy for and not consoling the offended Transperson who gender has just been challenged but I firmly believe, it is what it is and the sooner that we realize and accept this, the better that we will be. I'm truly sorry but this is part of the deal when you are Trans. We asTranspeeps are really all Genderqueer and that's how most people will probably see us. We have to deal with their responses and their reactions in the best way that we can. If we can do this without bad drama then we just may come out of this fairly well. Really, that's the way it is, please think about it.

So I am an advocate of being an out Transperson and being happy and having people skills. That recipe has been working for me and I see it work very well for many others. It is what it is and we are who we are and that's the way that it so so let's just deal with it and enjoy our lives as our true selves!

I just watched a Quentin Crisp offering on LOGO this afternoon and I have a deep respect for Quentin after seeing this piece about him. His message was of the "Live as you are and it is what it is!" school of thought. I have always had that school of thought so I immediately attached and ID'd myself to him. If you get a chance to see it, please check it out! Btw, did you know that Sting did a song "Englishman in New York" which was written about Quentin after Sting visited him?

Yes, Sting is tres hot and is a wonderful entertainer but lets get back to my post!

I am interested in your thoughts about successful transitioning, what it means, what it is, how to do it., and what is considered successful? Please let me know your thoughts.

I have been somewhat observing those who have transitioned and I believe the real key to a successful transition is to be happy with yourself. I know that sounds a bit simplistic but it seems to play out.

In transitioning, the big thing to decide is to try the stealth route or the open Transpeep route. Both sides have their pros and cons. I believe that the stealth route is for those uncomfortable with being Trans and others knowing about it. They may slide into life unnoticed but they are always in fear of being outed. As long as they maintain their stealth they might enjoy life to the fullest as their true gender but from all thestealthies that I know I don't really see a lot of happiness. I'm sure that there are some but just the huge fear of being outed at any time must be awful. I remember that feeling when I was in myCrossdressing closet. You are forever and always on guard...Not a particularly settling way to live.

The out Transperson, on the other hand, has nothing to hide, nothing to be fearful of really. Yes, they may be looked upon as more Genderqueer than Trans but they get to live and be who they are. Now that is incredibly awesome!!! Plus the fact that no one can hold being Trans against them! Bonus!

But not all out Transpeeps are happy. I have also observed much sadness and other things in the Trans of the out world. But then again, most of these people may have been sad in the first place. It seem to my observation that the happy outTranspeeps are the ones who were happy souls from the beginning. Hey, how do these people feel happy anyway?

Some of them have always had a happy life, full of love and respect so they just continue on that avenue. Most of those who have had happy lives also seem to have better than average people skills. They can deal with people a bit better than most. For instance, when a non Trans refers to one of us as our natal gender what happens? I have seen some people have over the top fits about this while others just handle ittres cool. Don't make a big deal, just ignore or politely correct is the correct answer. Breaking down and losing it with anger or crying are not good answers and won't garner any sympathy. Trust me.

I have often been accused of not feeling sympathy for and not consoling the offended Transperson who gender has just been challenged but I firmly believe, it is what it is and the sooner that we realize and accept this, the better that we will be. I'm truly sorry but this is part of the deal when you are Trans. We asTranspeeps are really all Genderqueer and that's how most people will probably see us. We have to deal with their responses and their reactions in the best way that we can. If we can do this without bad drama then we just may come out of this fairly well. Really, that's the way it is, please think about it.

So I am an advocate of being an out Transperson and being happy and having people skills. That recipe has been working for me and I see it work very well for many others. It is what it is and we are who we are and that's the way that it so so let's just deal with it and enjoy our lives as our true selves!

I just watched a Quentin Crisp offering on LOGO this afternoon and I have a deep respect for Quentin after seeing this piece about him. His message was of the "Live as you are and it is what it is!" school of thought. I have always had that school of thought so I immediately attached and ID'd myself to him. If you get a chance to see it, please check it out! Btw, did you know that Sting did a song "Englishman in New York" which was written about Quentin after Sting visited him?

Yes, Sting is tres hot and is a wonderful entertainer but lets get back to my post!

I am interested in others thoughts about successful transitioning, what it means, what it is, how to do it., and what is considered successful? Please let me know your thoughts.

The Light is Shining on Me, Why Not Maine?

American Rights were lost this past week in Maine. Yes, right here in the United states of America, the Land of the Free, the people of Maine took away the rights of some Americans to wed. Citing their religious rhetoric about marriage, saying that marriage is only between a man and a woman, religious groups spread their ignorance and hate to those who themselves are, well, ignorant, and the right for some Americans to wed was lost. I find this grossly un-American.

First of all, I do not believe that anyone's basic rights should ever be put to a popular vote. That is very un-American and just plain wrong. You do not ever, ever vote on the basic rights of anyone, especially your fellow Americans! I am still shocked that this was even put to a vote.

Second, how can you take your neighbor's right to marry away from them? How can you find it in your heart to think that this is right? How can you look them in the eye and tell them that they have no right to wed? I cannot fathom it but I will try to look at the possible reasons why some people think that this is right.

Number one is the religious right wing. I am referring to the right wing Christian element of the United States of America. Somehow they think that they are on a mission from God and that they are doing their God's work. They think that they know what God wants and no one better get in their way. This reminds me of those religious fanatics who drove the planes into the twin towers and the Pentagon. These folks were sure that they were doing "God's work". I think that they were extremists who committed horrible crimes against God. I see a similarity between the plane crashers and the anti marriage people.

A quick aside, I don;t understand when these religious people say that their Bible is the word of God. I have looked through the Bible and I have not ever found one entry credited to God. I see the Corinthians, the Romans, Leviticus, etc, but no God. Let's face it, God did not write any of the entries in the Bible, The Bible was written by men, not women, but men, thousands of years ago. These were stories and words meant to control people, tell them what's right, what's wrong, what to do, what to say, what to wear, how to act etc. The Bible really is a code of conduct for people to follow and it was written by men thousands of years ago. Please keep that in mind when you hear someone say that the Bible is the word of God.

Back to the reasons why people think that it's ok to take rights away from fellow Americans.

America is getting enlightened but there still is homophobia which is still very alive in the U.S. I often ask myself, why is that the case? I believe that it is because many Americans think that they know what a man should be and what a woman should be and if they see a man who likes another man they somehow think lesser of this man. Why? Women can like men, why can't men like men? Could it be because they think that this man is somehow "lowering" himself and acting like a woman? Might I ask what is wrong for a man to act like a woman? Even further, dare I ask what is wrong with being a woman? I think that there is a huge, silent element of misogyny in our American culture. That is a big shame on our culture to even think this way!

Another possible thought along the same vein as the reason above is the very closeted Gay man who will not come to terms with his own homosexuality. This person may be so horrified that he is really Gay that he overcompensates by publicly showing his distaste for Gays. These are usually the Gay bashers, the religious and government leaders who speak publicly against Gays then they secretly have sex with Gays behind closed doors and bathroom stalls. This type of person can be the most vocal against Gays. Sadly, they are Gay themselves but somehow will not or cannot accept it.

Another possible reason to take away fellow American's rights is that the ignorant might think that Gay couples will somehow "infiltrate" neighborhoods and rape their children similar to the way that a certain percentage of Catholic priests do. Why do they think this? I believe that it is fear of the unknown and as a result, fearing the worst. Of course this is not true and their fears are unfounded.

So I have examined some of the possible reasons to think that it's alright to deny your fellow countrymen their rights. I see them but I still don't understand them. Instead I see ignorance, hatefulness, fear and a need to control. I do not see moral Americans and I surely do not see moral Christians.

I hope that someday people will understand what I am speaking of and see how terribly wrong these people are who are willing to take away rights of their fellow Americans.

2 Year Review

It's been two years since I transitioned to female. In November 2007 I made the leap and I've never looked back.Not a single second thought, not a single question, not a single "Omg! What have i done!" Nope! I am female and I will go to my grave as female.

In this post I am looking back at the past two years and where I am now. Physically, my face is a lot more feminine looking (after 2 1/2 years of hormones) and since I have been on Progesterone (since September 2008) my breasts have grown to be very noticeable. They were just kinda puttering along with the estradial patches but the addition to Progesterone unleashed new growth. My derriere has a new layer of fat on it and my thighs are a little bigger now. My body hair has either vanished or is soft and weak. My fingernails have softened and are always breaking as I play guitar often. I'll never have nice nails as playing my guitar is such a big part of my life, always has been and always will be.

Speaking of guitar and music my musical tastes have changed. I love dance music, disco, and softer sounds now. I don't go clubbing as much as I did when I was in my wild, partying Crossdressing daze. I didn't even go to Provincetown this year. I used to use clubs and Ptown as an excuse to dress and be myself but since I am 24/7 I really have no need to go somewhere else to express myself. Now I express myself in my daily life at all times.Yep, I've reached home.

Home is a very good, short definition on where I am now. I am very comfortable with myself now. I can accept that I am really a female and that I have a tall body and a low voice and that I am so follically challenged that I must wear a wig. I get Ma'amed very frequently now but I still sometimes get read as a Transwoman and that is very ok with me. I am very open with being Trans and I am proud of who i am. As a matter of fact, sometimes I want people to know that I am Trans so that they will know what a Transperson is by having met one firsthand. I know that many girls strive to "pass as a woman" but that doesn't concern me. I know that I pass as a human being. I still get Sirred on the telephone because of my low voice. Sometimes I politely correct my caller or sometimes I don't even bother. Point is, I have accepted myself as who I am!!!

At work everyone is cool with me.I never had a problem, not one. At home in my apartment building people are cool. At the stores where i go to shop for groceries, cleaning products, clothes etc there are no problems. Most of the cashiers at the local Panera restaurant know my name and never have to ask it to ID my take out order. I am fitting into society as me.

I have also accepted that I like men. I never admitted that before but then again I was never really attracted to men before. I think yhat I must have pushed that part of me way, way down further than the fact that I was female. As I released, accepted and understood my female being I also released, accepted and understood my attraction to men. I still have an attraction to women but it is waning.

My family life is torn between those who accept me and those who don't. Some love me even more than they did before. Some accept me but don't quite understand. Some don't even want to see me. It's sad but I have to live with it.

But I have lots of Gay, Lesbian and, of course, Transgender friends now. I still have a fair amount of Straight friends too. I seem to get along with just about everybody.. I think that they see the confidence that I have and that I am genuine and that I have a happy spirit and a nice smile. I am also not threatening. My vibes are friendly and confident.

Being able to express myself is something that I never let myself do. I always held back until I started accepting myself. I am sooo glad that I finally let myself be who i am! I was sooo afraid to let it out before I transitioned.

So I have achieved great personal growth in the past two years. I have found my center and peace and I can enjoy things now without feeling afraid and scared that someone would find out. Let me tell you, it's a very, very, very good feeling to just be who you are and to be able to enjoy life. I can finally, totally, enjoy life now!