"Welcome Back to Transland and Male Attention..."

It's been quite a week. Physically I didn't do much but mentally I have been all over the place. It's been about a month since I've been in contact with the Trans community and I ran into it full force this past week. And maybe it's something in the air, but I have been hit on by several men via internet dating venues this past weekend.

First the Trans re-entry. Early in the week, I reunited with my very good friend Keri who was away with her wife on a deep Caribbean vacation. Keri told me about the events on her cruise and then we got into Trans related issues.Lately I've been reading Julia Serano's "Whipping Girl" and I came upon Julia's take on "passing". Julia doesn't like the concept of "passing" because the underlying tone of the word implies that we are "fooling" someone or "tricking" them into believing that people like us "really are women". Passing makes us seem like deceivers...

Personally I think that passing should be a Crossdresser word. You know, a man who likes to dress and go out in public. When they are mistaken for women I would say that they pass.The word works fine there.

But when you come to us who have transitioned then passing really loses it's meaning. How can you "pass" as a woman if you really are a woman? When you are in your correct gender there is no "pass" or even "fail" You just simply are you!!! I believe that passing has no meaning in a transitioned person's vocabulary.

From Thursday on I was hit with lots of Trans contact. Thursday was a support group meeting which focused on religion and being Trans. That a potentially explosive subject but everyone was very polite with their differences. It was very respectful and we did go onto other subjects without incident.

On Fri/Sat a Trans girl I haven't seen in a while told me that she was coming out at work and asked me for any tips. At first I was congratulating her and giving her my take on what to wear and the bathroom issue and the wrong pronouns issue but as I re read her email I thought that I picked up some doubt in her own words. Then i questioned her and told her to pursue these issues with her therapist. We had several emails back and forth and I'll think she'll be ok. I just wanted to make sure that she was ready and that it was the right time for her to transition.

Saturday brought me to a therapist visit. A couple of months ago I had taken a rather short test and the results finally came back. The results showed that I am neither male nor female. Also my therapist had a separate chart that divided all Transpeople into about 5 or 6 categories. Not surprisingly, I didn't completely fit into any one category. I've always felt different from anybody since I can remember and I've never felt exactly like any other Transperson that I've ever met. The chart thingie proved that. The other test I just dismissed. My therapist kinda did too. The test was originally set up to test heterosexual men who were having possible gender conflicts. I really don't see myself as a heterosexual man. I used to up until about five years ago but now I see myself as a heterosexual female who "Minors in Lesbianism".

My therapist also let me quickly take the Doctor Doctor test (Yes, apparently there is a Doctor whose last name is Doctor!!!). This test was clearly a test to see if a person is a Crossdresser of some sort. I quickly read the questions aloud and answered each one aloud. Not surprisingly I "failed" the Crossdresser test.

Saturday night was another Trans support meeting. This particular support group has a wide spectrum of Transpeople from very closeted Crossdressers to Transitioned Transwomen. It's a wonderful group and there is a pleasant aura during the meetings. We may all be at different places on the gender line but we all know that the valuable asset to have is self acceptance no matter where you are on that line.

Now to the resurgence of male attention in my life...

Friday night my last summer romance man called and we chatted for hours just like the old days. It was wonderful conversing again and then that dreaded low battery sound hit my cell phone. When I heard it I told him that he was going to lose me soon and then the talk quickly turned to how much we miss each other. Before we really got into expressing our feelings my phone battery died...

Saturday morning suddenly brought several emails from several men who wanted to meet me. After questioning each man on what they wanted in a relationship three of them admitted that they just wanted sex. Scratch those 3!!!!

Now I am "down" to 4 men who claim that they want to meet me and if things are right, possibly have a relationship. Currently I have dates with two of them and the other two haven't come up with a firm date yet. They may never do so. And the ones who have set their date with me may or not show up. I know this from past history from dealing with other men and I always email the man a day or two before the date to see if we are still on. But even if the dates don't happen I still enjoyed the male attention even if it's only for a brief while. I know that it's a line but still it is nice to be called beautiful and pretty and for a man to comment on how he likes my profile makes me smile. Especially if he comments on something in my profile. That means that he actually read my profile and likes my words! Yay!!!

But I don't have high expectations. As always I try to be realistic as I do in every facet of my life. I just try to make the best of what I have and to try to keep my positive attitude. And my smile...I love my smile and I never want to lose it, never...

my last 2 posts on myspace and yahoo 360

February 11, 2009 - Wednesday
"The 2009 Hartford Vaginas and Moving on..." Current mood: awake

Last weekend I performed, once again, in the Hartford Vagina Monologues. It was fun, as always and it was a nice respite from my job which is getting worse and worse. It's not just me, it's getting worse for everyone at my workplace. But 'nuff said about my workplace woes!!!!

Except for a brief appearance at a Super Bowl party (2 hrs anyway) and a night of Madonnathon at Mohegan Sun Casino I have not seen or spoke with any other Transpeople for just about a month. It's cold and snowy here in Connecticut and people are just staying in, (so far it's been a pretty bad winter here in the Northeast), and folks are just plain avoiding the unpleasant winter weather.

A late January storm canceled a Trans meeting and my very good friend took a cruise with her wife so I have just been going alone in this big world by myself for a few weeks. And you know what? It's not so bad! A lot of my time was used up by VM practice and the shows. I was the only Transperson there this year so I just kinda melted in with the other females. It was nice spending evenings with 30 other women. Actually I got very used to it and now that the Hartford VMs are over I feel a little empty without my new found friends. Actually we all are feeling a little blue and there's already several emails of meeting in the summer when the weather is much nicer. This particular group of "Vaginas" became really close this year, more so than usual. The spirits present this year were more connected than in the previous years.. Yes, I was hangin' with the genetic girls! And with me not talking to other Transpeeps for about a month I kinda found a place in the "outside" world and my thoughts turned to different avenues.

I actually felt a disconnect from the Trans world and a stronger than ever connection to the big "outside" world. It doesn't feel so outside as it used to! Except for Cate, my work buddie who carpooled with me every Vagina night there was no Trans talk at all, and Cate just asked me some basic questions as she never knowingly met a Transwoman before. But even that was very brief and most of our conversations were about non Trans subjects. I felt really comfortable with myself and even stopped thinking of myself as Trans!

One night last week, after I got home, I suddenly became furious with the thought that I wasn't born with a vagina. I felt cheated and robbed of growing up as a girl. S'funny, whenever anyone would ever ask me if i could go back to any age I've always said "Two!!! I would like to be a two year old girl and live my life all over again!!!" Well, last week I finally met the pain of being denied my girlhood. I was angry for about 20 minutes. Then I realized that I couldn't do anything about it now so I was resigned to the fact that I never had my girlhood. I never got a chance to grow up as a girl and if i ever even thought about it back then I was sooo confused and sooo ashamed to even be thinking about it!!! It was truly denial first class!

And it was a very painful feeling and tears soon took my anger's place. I sobbed for a while that night... I saw G for the first time this year just last night and I told her about this instance. She told me that I was greiving the loss of my childhood, my female childhood that I never had. She was right...

I think that I've gone to another level in my life struggle with gender. It almost feels funny labeling myself as Transgender anymore. I'm even having second thoughts about introducing myself as Transgender now. And I was such a proud "Out and About" Transperson even just a few weeks ago!!! My thoughts have shifted and I suddenly feel completely different about myself. I think that I am growing into who I am... Maybe it was my Vagina buddies, maybe it was a month without Transpeople or maybe it was just about time that this happened....Welcome to another chapter of life, Ms Deja Nicole...
6:29 PM
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January 26, 2009 - Monday
"Don't Get Discouraged!!!..." Current mood: contemplative Category: Life

Sometimes it feels like life is just giving you annoying little troubles one after another. It's certainly not enough to drive one over the edge but it sure can stop your smile for a while. We all have our things to deal with and we all have our lives to live. Sometimes it may be easy to get caught up in the negativity and seemingly hopelessness of certain situations but we must always remember to stand tall against these little drawbacks and deal with them. We should examine these instances and hopefully learn something from them and don't let them drag us down. It's part of life, a not so nice part, but a very real part...

So we have to learn to take the bad with the good. To wait out the bad times and to relish the good times even more when it's their turn. It's easy to not fully enjoy the good times but when you have been on a downer streak and then the good times suddenly pop in your life you should be ready to rejoice and hold on to those wonderful up moments!!! Even if it's only a smile from a stranger or reassurance from a friend, or a nice story, a pretty painting, a moving musical piece, a silly joke, a hug, a kiss, you know the stuff that makes life worth living!!! You know, the warm, satisfying smiley feel good times!!!

It's easy to be a little blue on a cold, dark, winter Monday night. The joys of the past weekend have vanished except for memories and the week ahead looks like more cold, more dark and more blue. But as the week moves on I find new energy as the weekend approaches. The weekend for me is a time where I can relax and have some fun. It's a time for me and darn it, I deserve that "me" time after a week of not so nice times. Oh, the week isn't all bad, there are some very nice instances throughout but the strain of everyday duties does wear one down. Hallelujah for the weekend!!!

It's really all how you look at things and how you feel about them. I try to minimize the bad parts and play up the good parts as much as I can. These are the things I do to keep myself happy. Oh, it's nice when it comes effortlessly but there are those times when I truly have to work at it! They say that happy people don't really have better lives than others, they just know how to get to that happy place and to not dwell on the unhappy place. Tricks like surrounding yourself with things that are positive and that make you happy (thx, Jazzi!) or making some quality time for yourself where you can enjoy music or the arts or sharing time with a loved one.!!!

There are also hobbies and pursuing new interests, you know, learning about new things (and this world sure does have them!!!), writing, chatting, dancing, singing, playing sports, dreaming about a wonderful vacation spot, or just a good old back rub or hot bath are calming, wonderful ideas to get to that happy place. Life is full of ups and downs. There are the exciting moments, the joyous moments, the estatic moments and then there are the sad moments of deaths, loss and rude awakenings. It's all part of the same package. We all have the same basic things to go through with and deal with. You can't let the bad stuff get you down. "Don't get discouraged." is the advice that my Mom always gives me. And darn it, I will not get discouraged! Oh, I will be sad when the time comes and I will cry and I will feel unhappy when the blue times come but I will also be ready for the sunny, happy times too!

Hey! This is my life and I am going to have my share of happiness as well as my share of unhappiness!

There truly is a time and a season for everything!
9:19 PM
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