my last 2 posts on myspace and yahoo 360

February 11, 2009 - Wednesday
"The 2009 Hartford Vaginas and Moving on..." Current mood: awake

Last weekend I performed, once again, in the Hartford Vagina Monologues. It was fun, as always and it was a nice respite from my job which is getting worse and worse. It's not just me, it's getting worse for everyone at my workplace. But 'nuff said about my workplace woes!!!!

Except for a brief appearance at a Super Bowl party (2 hrs anyway) and a night of Madonnathon at Mohegan Sun Casino I have not seen or spoke with any other Transpeople for just about a month. It's cold and snowy here in Connecticut and people are just staying in, (so far it's been a pretty bad winter here in the Northeast), and folks are just plain avoiding the unpleasant winter weather.

A late January storm canceled a Trans meeting and my very good friend took a cruise with her wife so I have just been going alone in this big world by myself for a few weeks. And you know what? It's not so bad! A lot of my time was used up by VM practice and the shows. I was the only Transperson there this year so I just kinda melted in with the other females. It was nice spending evenings with 30 other women. Actually I got very used to it and now that the Hartford VMs are over I feel a little empty without my new found friends. Actually we all are feeling a little blue and there's already several emails of meeting in the summer when the weather is much nicer. This particular group of "Vaginas" became really close this year, more so than usual. The spirits present this year were more connected than in the previous years.. Yes, I was hangin' with the genetic girls! And with me not talking to other Transpeeps for about a month I kinda found a place in the "outside" world and my thoughts turned to different avenues.

I actually felt a disconnect from the Trans world and a stronger than ever connection to the big "outside" world. It doesn't feel so outside as it used to! Except for Cate, my work buddie who carpooled with me every Vagina night there was no Trans talk at all, and Cate just asked me some basic questions as she never knowingly met a Transwoman before. But even that was very brief and most of our conversations were about non Trans subjects. I felt really comfortable with myself and even stopped thinking of myself as Trans!

One night last week, after I got home, I suddenly became furious with the thought that I wasn't born with a vagina. I felt cheated and robbed of growing up as a girl. S'funny, whenever anyone would ever ask me if i could go back to any age I've always said "Two!!! I would like to be a two year old girl and live my life all over again!!!" Well, last week I finally met the pain of being denied my girlhood. I was angry for about 20 minutes. Then I realized that I couldn't do anything about it now so I was resigned to the fact that I never had my girlhood. I never got a chance to grow up as a girl and if i ever even thought about it back then I was sooo confused and sooo ashamed to even be thinking about it!!! It was truly denial first class!

And it was a very painful feeling and tears soon took my anger's place. I sobbed for a while that night... I saw G for the first time this year just last night and I told her about this instance. She told me that I was greiving the loss of my childhood, my female childhood that I never had. She was right...

I think that I've gone to another level in my life struggle with gender. It almost feels funny labeling myself as Transgender anymore. I'm even having second thoughts about introducing myself as Transgender now. And I was such a proud "Out and About" Transperson even just a few weeks ago!!! My thoughts have shifted and I suddenly feel completely different about myself. I think that I am growing into who I am... Maybe it was my Vagina buddies, maybe it was a month without Transpeople or maybe it was just about time that this happened....Welcome to another chapter of life, Ms Deja Nicole...
6:29 PM
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January 26, 2009 - Monday
"Don't Get Discouraged!!!..." Current mood: contemplative Category: Life

Sometimes it feels like life is just giving you annoying little troubles one after another. It's certainly not enough to drive one over the edge but it sure can stop your smile for a while. We all have our things to deal with and we all have our lives to live. Sometimes it may be easy to get caught up in the negativity and seemingly hopelessness of certain situations but we must always remember to stand tall against these little drawbacks and deal with them. We should examine these instances and hopefully learn something from them and don't let them drag us down. It's part of life, a not so nice part, but a very real part...

So we have to learn to take the bad with the good. To wait out the bad times and to relish the good times even more when it's their turn. It's easy to not fully enjoy the good times but when you have been on a downer streak and then the good times suddenly pop in your life you should be ready to rejoice and hold on to those wonderful up moments!!! Even if it's only a smile from a stranger or reassurance from a friend, or a nice story, a pretty painting, a moving musical piece, a silly joke, a hug, a kiss, you know the stuff that makes life worth living!!! You know, the warm, satisfying smiley feel good times!!!

It's easy to be a little blue on a cold, dark, winter Monday night. The joys of the past weekend have vanished except for memories and the week ahead looks like more cold, more dark and more blue. But as the week moves on I find new energy as the weekend approaches. The weekend for me is a time where I can relax and have some fun. It's a time for me and darn it, I deserve that "me" time after a week of not so nice times. Oh, the week isn't all bad, there are some very nice instances throughout but the strain of everyday duties does wear one down. Hallelujah for the weekend!!!

It's really all how you look at things and how you feel about them. I try to minimize the bad parts and play up the good parts as much as I can. These are the things I do to keep myself happy. Oh, it's nice when it comes effortlessly but there are those times when I truly have to work at it! They say that happy people don't really have better lives than others, they just know how to get to that happy place and to not dwell on the unhappy place. Tricks like surrounding yourself with things that are positive and that make you happy (thx, Jazzi!) or making some quality time for yourself where you can enjoy music or the arts or sharing time with a loved one.!!!

There are also hobbies and pursuing new interests, you know, learning about new things (and this world sure does have them!!!), writing, chatting, dancing, singing, playing sports, dreaming about a wonderful vacation spot, or just a good old back rub or hot bath are calming, wonderful ideas to get to that happy place. Life is full of ups and downs. There are the exciting moments, the joyous moments, the estatic moments and then there are the sad moments of deaths, loss and rude awakenings. It's all part of the same package. We all have the same basic things to go through with and deal with. You can't let the bad stuff get you down. "Don't get discouraged." is the advice that my Mom always gives me. And darn it, I will not get discouraged! Oh, I will be sad when the time comes and I will cry and I will feel unhappy when the blue times come but I will also be ready for the sunny, happy times too!

Hey! This is my life and I am going to have my share of happiness as well as my share of unhappiness!

There truly is a time and a season for everything!
9:19 PM
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