"What's It Like Being Normal?"

"What's It Like Being Normal???"

Current mood:impervious

Category: Life

It's been quite a week once again. Work is just sucking the life right out of me but at the same time I should be happy that I have a job and i should be ecstatatic that my employer accepts and totally backs my transition to female. On one hand I am at my wit's end with the craziness of my job and on the other hand I have been working with Love Makes A Family (the major political group who fought tres hard for same sex marriage in Connecticut and now for Transgender rights in Connecticut) telling the world how awesome my employer is (and they truly are!!! Yay, 3M!!!). Yet still I am living "La Vida Loca" in the business world and it sure beats the soul out of me!!!! The demands are not modest by any means!!!!....

Like Pink says in "Who Knew", "When someone says count your blessings now, before they're long gone..." I should be thankful for my extremely good fortune. But I guess, like Pink, that I don't know how...

This is a recurring theme in my life. I had a wonderful family with 3 children and a loving wife. Now it's gone. I was gigging regularly for decades with a decent rock band, now it's over. I had a wonderful summer romance last year with a very nice, intelligent gentleman, now that's done with. I just don't know. I don't intend to self destruct but life is sure tossing me some tough lessons as I look back at my life.

I actually have a very nice life. A job, a place to live by myself, a decent car and nice friends and a nice smile but I always seem to be searching for more. That's a good thing and it's a bad thing... It's wonderful to want to improve your life but it's tragic to not fully appreciate what you have. I find that balance hard to maintain and understand...

Oh, I can do it on the outside but it tears me up on the inside. I see my life slipping by, day by day, but at the same time I truly do stop to smell the flowers and I look up at the sky everyday/night and I view the sun, the stars, the clouds and the birds and it truly lifts me to heights that I know that most people wouldn't comprehend but then I look for what i would like and I see a disconnect...

Many events in my life are like what I just described. I would receive an honr from an organization but I could never thoroughly enjoy it. I was gven a few Transgender awards but because of circumstances beyond my control I was not present at the time to actually accept them and relish them. I had a love from a man and I let it slip by. And when i received an award from work late last year I brought it home to no one. I couldn't share my accomplishments and joy with anyone....

So my life seems to be charmed and yet cursed at the same time. I am truly blessed in many ways yet somehow I am always prevented from fully enjoying the moment...I guess that it's just my lot in life...

But still I am Deja and I am sooo proud of myself and what I've accomplished in my life...I will continue to find my small joys in life!!!...

And yet I am saddened by the forces of life seemingly refusing to let me have that joy for long....

So I keep going and I experience life like we all do. I keep on doing it. And if I can get some good feelings I will take them! But somehow life always pulls me back down to "reality"... Maybe it's just part of the deal being Transgender... you finally get to be your true self but very few share your joy...or even understand you...

Anyway, the pic is my sister and I last Sunday just before going to my Mom's house to orchestrate a birthday party for my wonderful sister, Patti. Yes, it was at my Mom's house but I brought the wine, the b-day cake and bought the pizza and the spirit to celebrate my dear sister's birthday. I took and emailed pics of the party to my children and my sister and my neice and my other sister, Patti gave me the credit for pulling the whole thing together. Now that was awesome!!! Thank you. Patti!!! A nice memory indeed...

And I thank all my friends who read my blog writings. Today I've noticed that there are over 1000 views on my myspace blog...thank you, my friends!!! My Yahoo 360 has over 26,000 hits and I thank all of them also!!! MWAH!!! Blogger???, Well, that's another story!!!

So my life is really very nice and I love living my life!!! I will continue to live and love and be happy until I die!!! And maybe then I will die with a big smile on my face!!!! Darn it!!! I am Deja and I refuse to be sad for long!!!!