"Looking Back at My Life and Now...Perspectives, Especially Relationship Ones..."

2009 is coming to a close. So is the first decade of the 2000s. As time marches on we find ourselves getting older and sometimes our perspectives change on things. Being Transgender most likely will add to the perspective changes. After all, we are essentially living another life as we "start all over again" in our "new" gender.

Yes, when we first get the courage to dress as our "new" gender all kinds of thoughts run through our heads, in my particular case going from male to female. "Do I look ok ? Do I look like everyone else? Do I stand out too much? Heck, I wanna wear a mini and heels! Why shouldn't I? Do I have too much makeup on? Is that guy looking at me? Are those teens laughing at me? Wait till the other girls see my outfit! I wonder what they will be wearing? Is it possible that I "pass?" Will people make fun of me? What if someone I know sees me?Omg! There's so and so from work! It's awesome to be out and about dressed like this! I'm sooooo scared!!! I can't go out dressed like this!!!! Why am I doing this? WTF am I doing? Am I more than a Crossdresser? Am I really a woman? Am I fooling myself? Heck, I can beat this thing! I can go back to being a man... No I can't!"

Lots of thoughts like the above continually blitzed my mind as I ventured into the "other side." First it was nervousness, then an acceptance of sorts (yes, I do like being a female and yes I am a Crossdresser ), then comes the doubts and the insecurities (Deja is way cool to hang with but she doesn't pass. I don't want her to out me simply by being with her.), the hurt and retaliation (So what if I don't pass? Actually neither do you, fantasy girl".) then the acceptance that you are really way more than a Crossdresser , then the electrolysis, the hormones, the taking steps to begin living in your "new" gender, the going full time, the changing of your documents to reflect your "new" gender. The losing of some friends and family who do not/will not understand, the acceptance that you are really Genderqueer who expresses in their "new" gender. The peace that comes with each acceptance and the accepting of others. Lots of stuff to go through, huh?

Then comes new relationships. These are hard for anyone but are even harder for Transpeople. Oh, let me tell you, there are lots of men out there veeeery interested in being with us Transwomen but at the same time they are scared to death to be seen with us in public. For lack of a better word, she-male porn is a huge internet commodity these days. We are definitely sought after but sadly it's mostly just a fantasy in men's minds who just cannot muster up the courage to have a relationship with us. Even if we find someone who is not afraid to be seen with us in public, in front of his friends and family there is still reservations. One good friend who is male told me recently "Yes, I like Transwomen but I just cannot see myself in a relationship now with someone who is going through their second puberty. The insecurities are too much to deal with at this point in my life". He's got a good point. Us Transwomen do have issues with insecurities and such.

Trying to hook up with women is another problem for most Tranwomen. As one good friend who is a Transwoman said to me "I don't want a woman like your average Lesbian. I want a woman who will dress more feminine and wear makeup". Good luck with that search!

S'funny, a lot of Transwomen who are Lesbians like to wear dresses and wear makeup while the majority of Lesbians do not.

I think what it comes down to is that most of us Transpeople are looking for straight men and straight women who will be our S/O. Currently, this is a toughie as most straight people prefer other straight people. Ibelieve that this will change in the future as we become more visible in society but we're not really there yet in most cases.

Again, relationships are wicked tough for everyone but even more so for Transpeople. Some Trans, however, do find love within the Trans community. I have seen MTFs with MTFs and FTMs with FTMs and MTFs with FTMs and these are pretty solid relationships, but some Transpeople do not want to be with another Transperson. This kinda floors me as these people want straight people to accept being with a Transperson but they themselves won't accept being with another Transperson. Hmmmm... On a recent post in Facebook I brought up the thought of possibly considering being with another Trans when looking for a partner and I was blasted for even bringing up the thought of "settling" for another Transperson. I was taken aback. I believe that love can be found anywhere and after all, don't Gays hook up with Gays and Lesbians hook up with Lesbians? Why not Trans with Trans? I guess that it's all relative and a matter of preference.

But whatever anyone says I will respect their point of view as I know that my POV changed many times on many things in my life, especially since I began living my Trans life openly. There really is no right and no wrong, there really just is. It's a matter of POVs and perspectives and where you are in life. It's really all about life. Now we will enter 2010. I wonder what lies ahead and how my perspectives will change.