Looking Back to 1999 and Comparing Ten Years later!!!

Wow!!! If we could go back in time 10 years or so and if you showed me this pic and told me that this would be me in the future I would have great trouble believing you! I was soooo in the closet in 1999! Oh, I was always thinking about expressing female back then but I stuffed any thoughts that I had way down deep in my soul so that no one would ever even think about me that way. It scared me and I was confused so I only brought out these thoughts every once in a while and it was only in my mind, never to be shared with anyone else. As I look back to 1999 I recall my fears and my repression and I find it so sad that I felt this way back then. I was truly afraid of expressing who I am and of being me. I was scared to death!!!

In 1999, I had 6 years in my present job, my 3 children were 21, 17 and 15, my ex was beginning to flourish in her career and things were pretty good. We owned a nice, older home in a very nice area and had just remodeled the kitchen with a breakfast bar and a bay window and built a spacious two car garage which could also easily hold tons of stuff. My band was gigging locally in town and other gigs not too far away and we would have parties a few times a year with my friends and family and many musicians would show up and play during the parties. Life was getting good, we had more money (up to that point we were scraping bottom to make ends meet!) and the ex and I were watching our children grow into adults. My son was situated in New Orleans, my daughter was getting ready to attend Vassar and my youngest son who has Asperger's Syndrome was beginning to learn how to deal with being an Aspie. Things were shaping up!

Even though I was very busy being a husband, father of 3, maintaining a home, 3 cars, gigging regularly in the band, throwing parties and dealing with all the many other things that go along with everyday life I would still go way deep in my soul and think of being female. I had Deja in a box and she only came out while I was driving when I would think about being her or in the bathroom mirror when I was all alone in the bathroom and staring at myself in the mirror wondering what my life would have been like if I had transitioned years ago. I was waaaay deep in the closet but the thought of me becoming a woman was always there.It was like a forbidden fantasy, or so I thought at the time.

My biggest push to explore my femininity was September 11, 2001 when the twin towers and the Pentagon were hit. Up to then I always told myself that i will deal with myself later, after all I have a family to think about supporting and I knew that my ex would not tolerate me being female and I was way too scared to do it anyway. But when the thought of me suddenly dying and not ever being able to express myself hit me big time. I could not bear even thinking about going to my grave never exploring who I truly was.After all, what is life about? What is it for? Why repress a huge part of me and never let her even be?

Of course the answers was that I was chicken and that I knew that Transgenders were not accepted by most people and many of them have difficult lives in regards to family support and financial woes.This would definitely be a huge step to take!

In 1999 I was moving into middle age and into the middle class. I had lots of friends and my ex and I were looked upon as having the perfect marriage. My ex and I began to take nice vacations together like Caribbean cruises, trips to Las Vegas and St John's in the Virgin Islands etc. Up to then it was usually family vacations which were fun but the children were doing their own thing then. Yep, I was settling into middle life and then pow!!!

So 9/11, therapy visits, visits to the local Transgender support groups, exploring myself as female, wearing makeup, wigs, dresses, heels, accessories, learning how to act ladylike and getting used to presenting female in public were now occupying more and more of my time. I moved out in spring 2003 and then I immediately became Deja more and more of the time. I had been deeply repressed for decades and now the floodgates were open and I just poured out Deja more and more as time went on!

Now I am looking at this above pic and I am thinking about how my life has changed in sooo many ways in the past 10 years. It's pretty incredible!!! Oh, there were very awful times during my transition with the lack of support from my family but I hung in there and it's slowly getting better. I hope so anyway. But there was also the incredibly wonderful moments of experiencing new things from the female perspective. Even with the loss of some family support I am still very happy with who I am and it is sooo nice to be abe to express myself after decades of very scary and sad repression. I am who I am!!!

But still, if you showed me that pic above ten years ago and told me that this would be me and that I would be living as a woman full time, still working at my same job, preferring men as my lovers and having my pic taken at an LGBT bar with a scantily clad young man I'm sure that my mouth would drop all the way to the floor!!! Yes, there certainly have been some changes the past decade!!!