"Who am I?" Did you ever ask yourself "Who am I?" Try asking yourself that. Then ask it again and again and again.
I found that question with many other questions on an empowering questions video on the net. The questions were pretty interesting but this by far is my favorite one "Who am I?"
Everyone should ask themselves this question over and over and over again. It's probably the most important question to ask yourself. It's especially important to me Especially because I am Transgender.
You might start answering that question with other questions, what do I do, who do I love, what do I say, how do I react to things, what do i love, what makes me happy, what makes me sad etc. Or you could try to describe yourself. You could describe yourself physically, or mentally or spiritually. Or you could focus on your dreams, your thoughts your words, your actions. There are many ways to think about who you are.
My first answer to this "Who Am I?" question is "I am Deja." Not only do I mean this literally, as in this is my name, but I also mean it in describing who I am, what my thought processes are, what kind of a person I am, what i do (not as a profession but as what I do in life as I live everyday) what makes me tick, why I smile frequently, why I laugh several times throughout the day. All these things make up me, who I am. Deja to me is more than a word, it is a way of life. It is the way of my life.
I got off on this provocative question because I was thinking of my life and since I'm Transgender, the lives of others who are Transgender. When you are Transgender eventually there will eventually come the questions of should I transition, am I ok with where I am now, am I not ok with where I am now, would it be better to transition, would it be better if I didn't transition? How about, would I stay the same even if I transitioned???
I have seen many people transition and a lot have shown great happiness when they transitioned. But I have also seen not so happy people who have transitioned. And then there are the ones who were originally happy and then somehow lost their happiness.
I've seen a lot of folks rush into transitioning with electrolysis, laser, hormones, and body modifications. It was almost like they were on a high with all the new changes and then when they went as far as they could, the high somehow got lost. I've heard several people say that after all the changes and the transition that's when the hard part begins. I think what they are speaking of is that's when a lot of folks start asking that question "Who am I?" It's funny because one would think that that should be the first question to consider when one is thinking of transitioning but in a lot of cases i don't think it was. I have seen sooo many girls just focusing on what they have to do to become women that they never really explore who they really are. It's only after the transition fact that the "who am I" truly hits them. Maybe that's why they lose their smile. That's what I suspect anyway.
Myself, I've gone, comparatively to most, incredibly slow in my transition and I'm still not done yet. And all the while I've kept my smile. I think it's because I've always asked who I was again and again and again. I still ask myself today and I'm still smiling. I'll continue to ask myself and I'm betting that I will still be smiling. This might be why I am so different from the majority of Transfolk. I was more concerned in who I was rather than what I must do to become a woman.
Looking back throughout my life I've never felt that I really "fit in" like I imagined others did. Being young and Trans I knew that i felt different from the other little boys. When I reached high school age I didn't rush to date the girls. I didn't lose my virginity until after age 21. I always felt uncomfortable in "locker room talk". I've always disliked the phrase "the opposite sex". It wasn't until I was married and became a dad when I started to feel like I "fit in" but still then I was secretly dreaming of being female.
When I finally sought Trans support groups I never felt a connection to what the others were going through whether they were transitioning or being fine with CDing. I thought that I was beginning to be fine with CDing but then I realized that it was much deeper. I fought off electro and then I fought off hormones. Then I fought off transitioning and until late last year I fought off seriously thinking of surgery. No one I know has taken so long, gone so slowly and fought every inch of the way. But that is who I am.
I am a very cautious person who took her transition one step at a time and with month/years in between steps. Some may say it's denial but i think it's just who I am.
Now I am transitioned almost a year and a half ago and now I am getting my ducks in a row for my bottom surgery. Yes, it was a long time coming but then again so is realizing who you are.
So I will continue to ask myself who I am and I think the answer will always be "Deja" (thought the concept of Deja may change) and I believe that I will always be smiling. It's just who I am.
I found that question with many other questions on an empowering questions video on the net. The questions were pretty interesting but this by far is my favorite one "Who am I?"
Everyone should ask themselves this question over and over and over again. It's probably the most important question to ask yourself. It's especially important to me Especially because I am Transgender.
You might start answering that question with other questions, what do I do, who do I love, what do I say, how do I react to things, what do i love, what makes me happy, what makes me sad etc. Or you could try to describe yourself. You could describe yourself physically, or mentally or spiritually. Or you could focus on your dreams, your thoughts your words, your actions. There are many ways to think about who you are.
My first answer to this "Who Am I?" question is "I am Deja." Not only do I mean this literally, as in this is my name, but I also mean it in describing who I am, what my thought processes are, what kind of a person I am, what i do (not as a profession but as what I do in life as I live everyday) what makes me tick, why I smile frequently, why I laugh several times throughout the day. All these things make up me, who I am. Deja to me is more than a word, it is a way of life. It is the way of my life.
I got off on this provocative question because I was thinking of my life and since I'm Transgender, the lives of others who are Transgender. When you are Transgender eventually there will eventually come the questions of should I transition, am I ok with where I am now, am I not ok with where I am now, would it be better to transition, would it be better if I didn't transition? How about, would I stay the same even if I transitioned???
I have seen many people transition and a lot have shown great happiness when they transitioned. But I have also seen not so happy people who have transitioned. And then there are the ones who were originally happy and then somehow lost their happiness.
I've seen a lot of folks rush into transitioning with electrolysis, laser, hormones, and body modifications. It was almost like they were on a high with all the new changes and then when they went as far as they could, the high somehow got lost. I've heard several people say that after all the changes and the transition that's when the hard part begins. I think what they are speaking of is that's when a lot of folks start asking that question "Who am I?" It's funny because one would think that that should be the first question to consider when one is thinking of transitioning but in a lot of cases i don't think it was. I have seen sooo many girls just focusing on what they have to do to become women that they never really explore who they really are. It's only after the transition fact that the "who am I" truly hits them. Maybe that's why they lose their smile. That's what I suspect anyway.
Myself, I've gone, comparatively to most, incredibly slow in my transition and I'm still not done yet. And all the while I've kept my smile. I think it's because I've always asked who I was again and again and again. I still ask myself today and I'm still smiling. I'll continue to ask myself and I'm betting that I will still be smiling. This might be why I am so different from the majority of Transfolk. I was more concerned in who I was rather than what I must do to become a woman.
Looking back throughout my life I've never felt that I really "fit in" like I imagined others did. Being young and Trans I knew that i felt different from the other little boys. When I reached high school age I didn't rush to date the girls. I didn't lose my virginity until after age 21. I always felt uncomfortable in "locker room talk". I've always disliked the phrase "the opposite sex". It wasn't until I was married and became a dad when I started to feel like I "fit in" but still then I was secretly dreaming of being female.
When I finally sought Trans support groups I never felt a connection to what the others were going through whether they were transitioning or being fine with CDing. I thought that I was beginning to be fine with CDing but then I realized that it was much deeper. I fought off electro and then I fought off hormones. Then I fought off transitioning and until late last year I fought off seriously thinking of surgery. No one I know has taken so long, gone so slowly and fought every inch of the way. But that is who I am.
I am a very cautious person who took her transition one step at a time and with month/years in between steps. Some may say it's denial but i think it's just who I am.
Now I am transitioned almost a year and a half ago and now I am getting my ducks in a row for my bottom surgery. Yes, it was a long time coming but then again so is realizing who you are.
So I will continue to ask myself who I am and I think the answer will always be "Deja" (thought the concept of Deja may change) and I believe that I will always be smiling. It's just who I am.
No comments:
Post a Comment