October, My Highs and Lows..

It's the last week of October. So far October has been an unpredictable month with lots of highs and lows...

The beginning of the month was still summery, warm wise but it rained on our NETU Pride on 10/3.. I had an insanely great time performing but it would've been nice to have 1000+ people there. I had imagined their screams as they loudly spelled "Trans!" County Joe style, one letter at a time!!! (Give me a "T"...) Oh, don't get me wrong, the faithful spirits who were there lifted me to heights previously unknown to me (THX!) but I would've loooove to hear 1000 voices... It was truly one of my highs of my life but if the weather had been nicer???

This seems to happen to me a lot in Trans events. I rise to the occasion but the timing, weather, or something else is off. I have won awards at COS, my Hartford, CT area Transgender support group and Fantasia Fair in Provincetown, MA and I was not present to receive either awards. My name was called both times, there was applause but I was not there to relish the moment both times...of course I received my awards at a later date but it was waaay after the facts... I don't seem to get to live for the moment when the awards come...Strange...

But this is life and life has still been good to me....it can't be great all of the time. It's not gonna stop me from being positive!!!

Back to earlier this month. I turned 58 on the 13th and on that day I had agreed to a price and some easy contingencies to buying a condo in a city environment. I had seen several condos before but this one I was literally running from room to room just excitedly soaking up the possibilities of living in a two bedroom , two bath, one master with jets in the bathtub!!! Yeah Baby!!!, a big living room with a bay window, and an efficiency kitchen, nicely equipped with a breakfast bar!!! Washer/dryer!!! Oooooh, and a garage that i could've easily set my bass amp and bike and other stuff in besides my '05 paid for Camry!!!!! New England winters scream GARAGE!!!! No more digging out from a snowstorm, icestocrm, slushstorm etc...Heaven!!! I am in Heaven!!!...

Steve had im'ed me on FB and invited me to lunch in Noho. We had Indian. It was awesome!!! I was a condo owner, closer to Steve (his words), a year older, celebrating my b day with Steve and coming off the NETU performance, I was on top of the world!!! Nothing's gonna stop me now!!!!

I was set to move on into Springfield, MA!!! But Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae who have now tightened up their lending processes told me tha t they would not finance me unless 51% of the condos in the building were owner occupied. This one was 22%... I cried after I heard this one...this one hurt...

Then my sister who will not speak to me announced plans to visit our Mom on Sunday, the day that I ALWAYS see Mom. She will be there on November 1. Carol hasn't spoken to me in two years and will not acknowledge me as Deja. She always refers to me as my former self with bad pronouns galore. She told me that there is no such thing as Transgender. It's all Narcissism. Yep, she knows all!!!

On the 17th I attended a party and was asked to play. I jumped in from the Happy Birthday song, to songs inside, to song outside by a fire. It was fun and many, many people thanked me for playing that night. Awesome night!!! I slept well that night!!!

Also, I looked at condos made from a makeover of a former high school in Springfield called Classical High. They were very nice condos but I'm afraid that they are too expensive for me. They were fun to look at though!

I was thinking of putting a deposit down on a Classical condo but then I was thinking of being poor again and scrimping to pay the bills. (It was awful! I would have to give up cable, electrolysis and maybe a land line!) I will not, however, ever give up my internet connection or my cell phone at any costs!!! I think that I am too old for scrimping! Debt, be damned!!! I would prefer to live within my means, even if I cannot own, thank you.!!!

So I decided to, once again, back burner the "Home for Deja" search and stay where I am. S'funny! I was off work today, using up my vacations like a good 3Mer should, when I saw my Apartment Manager, who is also named Steve. I had told Steve earlier that I would be leaving but now I told him that the deal fell though and that he "had me" as a renter indefinitely. . Evidently he was sprucing up 802 for a showing (I am 803) and He stopped to chat with me. I told him about me not leaving but thinking about what i would miss if i had left. The tall trees, the forest, the L shaped brook, the colors of autumn, the warm green color in the summertime with bugs chirping every night.... I truly do have a piece of heaven right now even if I only rent. I know that rent is not forever but darn it, what is not forever? Nothing to my knowledge! I wonder who my new neighbor/s will be in 802???

Steve, my apt mgr, had earlier told me that even though I was one of the "older" tenants (since April 2003) there are many who stay here until it's ready to make their, you know, final exit... Maybe this is where I will stay until, forever? I don't know..but it doesn't scare me...I guess that I could live here forever. I just wish that I had a garage!!!

Today I visited a rail trail.bird sanctuary in neighboring Suffield, CT. A man my age on a bicycle chatted/flirted with me for about 5 minutes. Then I went home to prepare for a teeth inspection/cleaning by my dentist who has seen me transtion. We asked each other about our dating lives...

Last Friday my Mom went into the hospital. She might be released tomorrow. This has also been weighing on my mind. I know that some day that she will be gone...

It's been a crazy month with highs and lows!!!

Lately, I completely forget that I am Transgender...suddenly that's not so important lately...