"Looking Back at My Life and Now...Perspectives, Especially Relationship Ones..."

2009 is coming to a close. So is the first decade of the 2000s. As time marches on we find ourselves getting older and sometimes our perspectives change on things. Being Transgender most likely will add to the perspective changes. After all, we are essentially living another life as we "start all over again" in our "new" gender.

Yes, when we first get the courage to dress as our "new" gender all kinds of thoughts run through our heads, in my particular case going from male to female. "Do I look ok ? Do I look like everyone else? Do I stand out too much? Heck, I wanna wear a mini and heels! Why shouldn't I? Do I have too much makeup on? Is that guy looking at me? Are those teens laughing at me? Wait till the other girls see my outfit! I wonder what they will be wearing? Is it possible that I "pass?" Will people make fun of me? What if someone I know sees me?Omg! There's so and so from work! It's awesome to be out and about dressed like this! I'm sooooo scared!!! I can't go out dressed like this!!!! Why am I doing this? WTF am I doing? Am I more than a Crossdresser? Am I really a woman? Am I fooling myself? Heck, I can beat this thing! I can go back to being a man... No I can't!"

Lots of thoughts like the above continually blitzed my mind as I ventured into the "other side." First it was nervousness, then an acceptance of sorts (yes, I do like being a female and yes I am a Crossdresser ), then comes the doubts and the insecurities (Deja is way cool to hang with but she doesn't pass. I don't want her to out me simply by being with her.), the hurt and retaliation (So what if I don't pass? Actually neither do you, fantasy girl".) then the acceptance that you are really way more than a Crossdresser , then the electrolysis, the hormones, the taking steps to begin living in your "new" gender, the going full time, the changing of your documents to reflect your "new" gender. The losing of some friends and family who do not/will not understand, the acceptance that you are really Genderqueer who expresses in their "new" gender. The peace that comes with each acceptance and the accepting of others. Lots of stuff to go through, huh?

Then comes new relationships. These are hard for anyone but are even harder for Transpeople. Oh, let me tell you, there are lots of men out there veeeery interested in being with us Transwomen but at the same time they are scared to death to be seen with us in public. For lack of a better word, she-male porn is a huge internet commodity these days. We are definitely sought after but sadly it's mostly just a fantasy in men's minds who just cannot muster up the courage to have a relationship with us. Even if we find someone who is not afraid to be seen with us in public, in front of his friends and family there is still reservations. One good friend who is male told me recently "Yes, I like Transwomen but I just cannot see myself in a relationship now with someone who is going through their second puberty. The insecurities are too much to deal with at this point in my life". He's got a good point. Us Transwomen do have issues with insecurities and such.

Trying to hook up with women is another problem for most Tranwomen. As one good friend who is a Transwoman said to me "I don't want a woman like your average Lesbian. I want a woman who will dress more feminine and wear makeup". Good luck with that search!

S'funny, a lot of Transwomen who are Lesbians like to wear dresses and wear makeup while the majority of Lesbians do not.

I think what it comes down to is that most of us Transpeople are looking for straight men and straight women who will be our S/O. Currently, this is a toughie as most straight people prefer other straight people. Ibelieve that this will change in the future as we become more visible in society but we're not really there yet in most cases.

Again, relationships are wicked tough for everyone but even more so for Transpeople. Some Trans, however, do find love within the Trans community. I have seen MTFs with MTFs and FTMs with FTMs and MTFs with FTMs and these are pretty solid relationships, but some Transpeople do not want to be with another Transperson. This kinda floors me as these people want straight people to accept being with a Transperson but they themselves won't accept being with another Transperson. Hmmmm... On a recent post in Facebook I brought up the thought of possibly considering being with another Trans when looking for a partner and I was blasted for even bringing up the thought of "settling" for another Transperson. I was taken aback. I believe that love can be found anywhere and after all, don't Gays hook up with Gays and Lesbians hook up with Lesbians? Why not Trans with Trans? I guess that it's all relative and a matter of preference.

But whatever anyone says I will respect their point of view as I know that my POV changed many times on many things in my life, especially since I began living my Trans life openly. There really is no right and no wrong, there really just is. It's a matter of POVs and perspectives and where you are in life. It's really all about life. Now we will enter 2010. I wonder what lies ahead and how my perspectives will change.

Looking Back to 1999 and Comparing Ten Years later!!!

Wow!!! If we could go back in time 10 years or so and if you showed me this pic and told me that this would be me in the future I would have great trouble believing you! I was soooo in the closet in 1999! Oh, I was always thinking about expressing female back then but I stuffed any thoughts that I had way down deep in my soul so that no one would ever even think about me that way. It scared me and I was confused so I only brought out these thoughts every once in a while and it was only in my mind, never to be shared with anyone else. As I look back to 1999 I recall my fears and my repression and I find it so sad that I felt this way back then. I was truly afraid of expressing who I am and of being me. I was scared to death!!!

In 1999, I had 6 years in my present job, my 3 children were 21, 17 and 15, my ex was beginning to flourish in her career and things were pretty good. We owned a nice, older home in a very nice area and had just remodeled the kitchen with a breakfast bar and a bay window and built a spacious two car garage which could also easily hold tons of stuff. My band was gigging locally in town and other gigs not too far away and we would have parties a few times a year with my friends and family and many musicians would show up and play during the parties. Life was getting good, we had more money (up to that point we were scraping bottom to make ends meet!) and the ex and I were watching our children grow into adults. My son was situated in New Orleans, my daughter was getting ready to attend Vassar and my youngest son who has Asperger's Syndrome was beginning to learn how to deal with being an Aspie. Things were shaping up!

Even though I was very busy being a husband, father of 3, maintaining a home, 3 cars, gigging regularly in the band, throwing parties and dealing with all the many other things that go along with everyday life I would still go way deep in my soul and think of being female. I had Deja in a box and she only came out while I was driving when I would think about being her or in the bathroom mirror when I was all alone in the bathroom and staring at myself in the mirror wondering what my life would have been like if I had transitioned years ago. I was waaaay deep in the closet but the thought of me becoming a woman was always there.It was like a forbidden fantasy, or so I thought at the time.

My biggest push to explore my femininity was September 11, 2001 when the twin towers and the Pentagon were hit. Up to then I always told myself that i will deal with myself later, after all I have a family to think about supporting and I knew that my ex would not tolerate me being female and I was way too scared to do it anyway. But when the thought of me suddenly dying and not ever being able to express myself hit me big time. I could not bear even thinking about going to my grave never exploring who I truly was.After all, what is life about? What is it for? Why repress a huge part of me and never let her even be?

Of course the answers was that I was chicken and that I knew that Transgenders were not accepted by most people and many of them have difficult lives in regards to family support and financial woes.This would definitely be a huge step to take!

In 1999 I was moving into middle age and into the middle class. I had lots of friends and my ex and I were looked upon as having the perfect marriage. My ex and I began to take nice vacations together like Caribbean cruises, trips to Las Vegas and St John's in the Virgin Islands etc. Up to then it was usually family vacations which were fun but the children were doing their own thing then. Yep, I was settling into middle life and then pow!!!

So 9/11, therapy visits, visits to the local Transgender support groups, exploring myself as female, wearing makeup, wigs, dresses, heels, accessories, learning how to act ladylike and getting used to presenting female in public were now occupying more and more of my time. I moved out in spring 2003 and then I immediately became Deja more and more of the time. I had been deeply repressed for decades and now the floodgates were open and I just poured out Deja more and more as time went on!

Now I am looking at this above pic and I am thinking about how my life has changed in sooo many ways in the past 10 years. It's pretty incredible!!! Oh, there were very awful times during my transition with the lack of support from my family but I hung in there and it's slowly getting better. I hope so anyway. But there was also the incredibly wonderful moments of experiencing new things from the female perspective. Even with the loss of some family support I am still very happy with who I am and it is sooo nice to be abe to express myself after decades of very scary and sad repression. I am who I am!!!

But still, if you showed me that pic above ten years ago and told me that this would be me and that I would be living as a woman full time, still working at my same job, preferring men as my lovers and having my pic taken at an LGBT bar with a scantily clad young man I'm sure that my mouth would drop all the way to the floor!!! Yes, there certainly have been some changes the past decade!!!

"Thoughts on Transitioning"

I have been somewhat observing those who have transitioned and I believe the real key to a successful transition is to be happy with yourself. I know that sounds a bit simplistic but it really seems to play out.

In transitioning, the big thing to decide is to try the stealth route or the open Transpeep route. Both sides have their pros and cons. I believe that the stealth route is for those uncomfortable with being Trans and others knowing about it. They may slide into life unnoticed but they are always in fear of being outed. As long as they maintain their stealth they might enjoy life to the fullest as their true gender but from all the stealthies that I know I don't really see a lot of happiness. I'm sure that there are some but just the huge fear of being outed at any time must be awful. I remember that feeling when I was in my Crossdressing closet. You are forever and always on guard...Not a particularly settling way to live.

The out Transperson, on the other hand, has nothing to hide, nothing to be fearful of really. Yes, they may be looked upon as more Genderqueer than Trans but they get to live and be who they are. Now that is incredibly awesome!!! Plus the fact that no one can hold being Trans against them! Bonus!

But not all out Transpeeps are happy. I have also observed much sadness and other things in the Trans of the out world. But then again, most of these people may have been sad in the first place. It seem to my observation that the happy out Transpeeps are the ones who were happy souls from the beginning. Hey, how do these people feel so happy anyway?

Some of them have always had a happy life, full of love and respect so they just continue on that avenue. Most of those who have had happy lives also seem to have better than average people skills. They can deal with people a bit better than most. For instance, when a non Trans refers to one of us as our natal gender what happens? I have seen some people have over the top fits about this while others just handle it tres cool. Don't make a big deal, just ignore or politely correct is the correct answer. Breaking down and losing it with anger or crying are not good answers and won't garner any sympathy. Trust me.

I have often been accused of not feeling sympathy for and not consoling the offended Transperson who gender has just been challenged but I firmly believe, it is what it is and the sooner that we realize and accept this, the better that we will be. I'm truly sorry but this is part of the deal when you are Trans. We asTranspeeps are really all Genderqueer and that's how most people will probably see us. We have to deal with their responses and their reactions in the best way that we can. If we can do this without bad drama then we just may come out of this fairly well. Really, that's the way it is, please think about it.

So I am an advocate of being an out Transperson and being happy and having people skills. That recipe has been working for me and I see it work very well for many others. It is what it is and we are who we are and that's the way that it so so let's just deal with it and enjoy our lives as our true selves!

I just watched a Quentin Crisp offering on LOGO this afternoon and I have a deep respect for Quentin after seeing this piece about him. His message was of the "Live as you are and it is what it is!" school of thought. I have always had that school of thought so I immediately attached and ID'd myself to him. If you get a chance to see it, please check it out! Btw, did you know that Sting did a song "Englishman in New York" which was written about Quentin after Sting visited him?

Yes, Sting is tres hot and is a wonderful entertainer but lets get back to my post!

I am interested in your thoughts about successful transitioning, what it means, what it is, how to do it., and what is considered successful? Please let me know your thoughts.

I have been somewhat observing those who have transitioned and I believe the real key to a successful transition is to be happy with yourself. I know that sounds a bit simplistic but it seems to play out.

In transitioning, the big thing to decide is to try the stealth route or the open Transpeep route. Both sides have their pros and cons. I believe that the stealth route is for those uncomfortable with being Trans and others knowing about it. They may slide into life unnoticed but they are always in fear of being outed. As long as they maintain their stealth they might enjoy life to the fullest as their true gender but from all thestealthies that I know I don't really see a lot of happiness. I'm sure that there are some but just the huge fear of being outed at any time must be awful. I remember that feeling when I was in myCrossdressing closet. You are forever and always on guard...Not a particularly settling way to live.

The out Transperson, on the other hand, has nothing to hide, nothing to be fearful of really. Yes, they may be looked upon as more Genderqueer than Trans but they get to live and be who they are. Now that is incredibly awesome!!! Plus the fact that no one can hold being Trans against them! Bonus!

But not all out Transpeeps are happy. I have also observed much sadness and other things in the Trans of the out world. But then again, most of these people may have been sad in the first place. It seem to my observation that the happy outTranspeeps are the ones who were happy souls from the beginning. Hey, how do these people feel happy anyway?

Some of them have always had a happy life, full of love and respect so they just continue on that avenue. Most of those who have had happy lives also seem to have better than average people skills. They can deal with people a bit better than most. For instance, when a non Trans refers to one of us as our natal gender what happens? I have seen some people have over the top fits about this while others just handle ittres cool. Don't make a big deal, just ignore or politely correct is the correct answer. Breaking down and losing it with anger or crying are not good answers and won't garner any sympathy. Trust me.

I have often been accused of not feeling sympathy for and not consoling the offended Transperson who gender has just been challenged but I firmly believe, it is what it is and the sooner that we realize and accept this, the better that we will be. I'm truly sorry but this is part of the deal when you are Trans. We asTranspeeps are really all Genderqueer and that's how most people will probably see us. We have to deal with their responses and their reactions in the best way that we can. If we can do this without bad drama then we just may come out of this fairly well. Really, that's the way it is, please think about it.

So I am an advocate of being an out Transperson and being happy and having people skills. That recipe has been working for me and I see it work very well for many others. It is what it is and we are who we are and that's the way that it so so let's just deal with it and enjoy our lives as our true selves!

I just watched a Quentin Crisp offering on LOGO this afternoon and I have a deep respect for Quentin after seeing this piece about him. His message was of the "Live as you are and it is what it is!" school of thought. I have always had that school of thought so I immediately attached and ID'd myself to him. If you get a chance to see it, please check it out! Btw, did you know that Sting did a song "Englishman in New York" which was written about Quentin after Sting visited him?

Yes, Sting is tres hot and is a wonderful entertainer but lets get back to my post!

I am interested in others thoughts about successful transitioning, what it means, what it is, how to do it., and what is considered successful? Please let me know your thoughts.

The Light is Shining on Me, Why Not Maine?

American Rights were lost this past week in Maine. Yes, right here in the United states of America, the Land of the Free, the people of Maine took away the rights of some Americans to wed. Citing their religious rhetoric about marriage, saying that marriage is only between a man and a woman, religious groups spread their ignorance and hate to those who themselves are, well, ignorant, and the right for some Americans to wed was lost. I find this grossly un-American.

First of all, I do not believe that anyone's basic rights should ever be put to a popular vote. That is very un-American and just plain wrong. You do not ever, ever vote on the basic rights of anyone, especially your fellow Americans! I am still shocked that this was even put to a vote.

Second, how can you take your neighbor's right to marry away from them? How can you find it in your heart to think that this is right? How can you look them in the eye and tell them that they have no right to wed? I cannot fathom it but I will try to look at the possible reasons why some people think that this is right.

Number one is the religious right wing. I am referring to the right wing Christian element of the United States of America. Somehow they think that they are on a mission from God and that they are doing their God's work. They think that they know what God wants and no one better get in their way. This reminds me of those religious fanatics who drove the planes into the twin towers and the Pentagon. These folks were sure that they were doing "God's work". I think that they were extremists who committed horrible crimes against God. I see a similarity between the plane crashers and the anti marriage people.

A quick aside, I don;t understand when these religious people say that their Bible is the word of God. I have looked through the Bible and I have not ever found one entry credited to God. I see the Corinthians, the Romans, Leviticus, etc, but no God. Let's face it, God did not write any of the entries in the Bible, The Bible was written by men, not women, but men, thousands of years ago. These were stories and words meant to control people, tell them what's right, what's wrong, what to do, what to say, what to wear, how to act etc. The Bible really is a code of conduct for people to follow and it was written by men thousands of years ago. Please keep that in mind when you hear someone say that the Bible is the word of God.

Back to the reasons why people think that it's ok to take rights away from fellow Americans.

America is getting enlightened but there still is homophobia which is still very alive in the U.S. I often ask myself, why is that the case? I believe that it is because many Americans think that they know what a man should be and what a woman should be and if they see a man who likes another man they somehow think lesser of this man. Why? Women can like men, why can't men like men? Could it be because they think that this man is somehow "lowering" himself and acting like a woman? Might I ask what is wrong for a man to act like a woman? Even further, dare I ask what is wrong with being a woman? I think that there is a huge, silent element of misogyny in our American culture. That is a big shame on our culture to even think this way!

Another possible thought along the same vein as the reason above is the very closeted Gay man who will not come to terms with his own homosexuality. This person may be so horrified that he is really Gay that he overcompensates by publicly showing his distaste for Gays. These are usually the Gay bashers, the religious and government leaders who speak publicly against Gays then they secretly have sex with Gays behind closed doors and bathroom stalls. This type of person can be the most vocal against Gays. Sadly, they are Gay themselves but somehow will not or cannot accept it.

Another possible reason to take away fellow American's rights is that the ignorant might think that Gay couples will somehow "infiltrate" neighborhoods and rape their children similar to the way that a certain percentage of Catholic priests do. Why do they think this? I believe that it is fear of the unknown and as a result, fearing the worst. Of course this is not true and their fears are unfounded.

So I have examined some of the possible reasons to think that it's alright to deny your fellow countrymen their rights. I see them but I still don't understand them. Instead I see ignorance, hatefulness, fear and a need to control. I do not see moral Americans and I surely do not see moral Christians.

I hope that someday people will understand what I am speaking of and see how terribly wrong these people are who are willing to take away rights of their fellow Americans.

2 Year Review

It's been two years since I transitioned to female. In November 2007 I made the leap and I've never looked back.Not a single second thought, not a single question, not a single "Omg! What have i done!" Nope! I am female and I will go to my grave as female.

In this post I am looking back at the past two years and where I am now. Physically, my face is a lot more feminine looking (after 2 1/2 years of hormones) and since I have been on Progesterone (since September 2008) my breasts have grown to be very noticeable. They were just kinda puttering along with the estradial patches but the addition to Progesterone unleashed new growth. My derriere has a new layer of fat on it and my thighs are a little bigger now. My body hair has either vanished or is soft and weak. My fingernails have softened and are always breaking as I play guitar often. I'll never have nice nails as playing my guitar is such a big part of my life, always has been and always will be.

Speaking of guitar and music my musical tastes have changed. I love dance music, disco, and softer sounds now. I don't go clubbing as much as I did when I was in my wild, partying Crossdressing daze. I didn't even go to Provincetown this year. I used to use clubs and Ptown as an excuse to dress and be myself but since I am 24/7 I really have no need to go somewhere else to express myself. Now I express myself in my daily life at all times.Yep, I've reached home.

Home is a very good, short definition on where I am now. I am very comfortable with myself now. I can accept that I am really a female and that I have a tall body and a low voice and that I am so follically challenged that I must wear a wig. I get Ma'amed very frequently now but I still sometimes get read as a Transwoman and that is very ok with me. I am very open with being Trans and I am proud of who i am. As a matter of fact, sometimes I want people to know that I am Trans so that they will know what a Transperson is by having met one firsthand. I know that many girls strive to "pass as a woman" but that doesn't concern me. I know that I pass as a human being. I still get Sirred on the telephone because of my low voice. Sometimes I politely correct my caller or sometimes I don't even bother. Point is, I have accepted myself as who I am!!!

At work everyone is cool with me.I never had a problem, not one. At home in my apartment building people are cool. At the stores where i go to shop for groceries, cleaning products, clothes etc there are no problems. Most of the cashiers at the local Panera restaurant know my name and never have to ask it to ID my take out order. I am fitting into society as me.

I have also accepted that I like men. I never admitted that before but then again I was never really attracted to men before. I think yhat I must have pushed that part of me way, way down further than the fact that I was female. As I released, accepted and understood my female being I also released, accepted and understood my attraction to men. I still have an attraction to women but it is waning.

My family life is torn between those who accept me and those who don't. Some love me even more than they did before. Some accept me but don't quite understand. Some don't even want to see me. It's sad but I have to live with it.

But I have lots of Gay, Lesbian and, of course, Transgender friends now. I still have a fair amount of Straight friends too. I seem to get along with just about everybody.. I think that they see the confidence that I have and that I am genuine and that I have a happy spirit and a nice smile. I am also not threatening. My vibes are friendly and confident.

Being able to express myself is something that I never let myself do. I always held back until I started accepting myself. I am sooo glad that I finally let myself be who i am! I was sooo afraid to let it out before I transitioned.

So I have achieved great personal growth in the past two years. I have found my center and peace and I can enjoy things now without feeling afraid and scared that someone would find out. Let me tell you, it's a very, very, very good feeling to just be who you are and to be able to enjoy life. I can finally, totally, enjoy life now!

October, My Highs and Lows..

It's the last week of October. So far October has been an unpredictable month with lots of highs and lows...

The beginning of the month was still summery, warm wise but it rained on our NETU Pride on 10/3.. I had an insanely great time performing but it would've been nice to have 1000+ people there. I had imagined their screams as they loudly spelled "Trans!" County Joe style, one letter at a time!!! (Give me a "T"...) Oh, don't get me wrong, the faithful spirits who were there lifted me to heights previously unknown to me (THX!) but I would've loooove to hear 1000 voices... It was truly one of my highs of my life but if the weather had been nicer???

This seems to happen to me a lot in Trans events. I rise to the occasion but the timing, weather, or something else is off. I have won awards at COS, my Hartford, CT area Transgender support group and Fantasia Fair in Provincetown, MA and I was not present to receive either awards. My name was called both times, there was applause but I was not there to relish the moment both times...of course I received my awards at a later date but it was waaay after the facts... I don't seem to get to live for the moment when the awards come...Strange...

But this is life and life has still been good to me....it can't be great all of the time. It's not gonna stop me from being positive!!!

Back to earlier this month. I turned 58 on the 13th and on that day I had agreed to a price and some easy contingencies to buying a condo in a city environment. I had seen several condos before but this one I was literally running from room to room just excitedly soaking up the possibilities of living in a two bedroom , two bath, one master with jets in the bathtub!!! Yeah Baby!!!, a big living room with a bay window, and an efficiency kitchen, nicely equipped with a breakfast bar!!! Washer/dryer!!! Oooooh, and a garage that i could've easily set my bass amp and bike and other stuff in besides my '05 paid for Camry!!!!! New England winters scream GARAGE!!!! No more digging out from a snowstorm, icestocrm, slushstorm etc...Heaven!!! I am in Heaven!!!...

Steve had im'ed me on FB and invited me to lunch in Noho. We had Indian. It was awesome!!! I was a condo owner, closer to Steve (his words), a year older, celebrating my b day with Steve and coming off the NETU performance, I was on top of the world!!! Nothing's gonna stop me now!!!!

I was set to move on into Springfield, MA!!! But Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae who have now tightened up their lending processes told me tha t they would not finance me unless 51% of the condos in the building were owner occupied. This one was 22%... I cried after I heard this one...this one hurt...

Then my sister who will not speak to me announced plans to visit our Mom on Sunday, the day that I ALWAYS see Mom. She will be there on November 1. Carol hasn't spoken to me in two years and will not acknowledge me as Deja. She always refers to me as my former self with bad pronouns galore. She told me that there is no such thing as Transgender. It's all Narcissism. Yep, she knows all!!!

On the 17th I attended a party and was asked to play. I jumped in from the Happy Birthday song, to songs inside, to song outside by a fire. It was fun and many, many people thanked me for playing that night. Awesome night!!! I slept well that night!!!

Also, I looked at condos made from a makeover of a former high school in Springfield called Classical High. They were very nice condos but I'm afraid that they are too expensive for me. They were fun to look at though!

I was thinking of putting a deposit down on a Classical condo but then I was thinking of being poor again and scrimping to pay the bills. (It was awful! I would have to give up cable, electrolysis and maybe a land line!) I will not, however, ever give up my internet connection or my cell phone at any costs!!! I think that I am too old for scrimping! Debt, be damned!!! I would prefer to live within my means, even if I cannot own, thank you.!!!

So I decided to, once again, back burner the "Home for Deja" search and stay where I am. S'funny! I was off work today, using up my vacations like a good 3Mer should, when I saw my Apartment Manager, who is also named Steve. I had told Steve earlier that I would be leaving but now I told him that the deal fell though and that he "had me" as a renter indefinitely. . Evidently he was sprucing up 802 for a showing (I am 803) and He stopped to chat with me. I told him about me not leaving but thinking about what i would miss if i had left. The tall trees, the forest, the L shaped brook, the colors of autumn, the warm green color in the summertime with bugs chirping every night.... I truly do have a piece of heaven right now even if I only rent. I know that rent is not forever but darn it, what is not forever? Nothing to my knowledge! I wonder who my new neighbor/s will be in 802???

Steve, my apt mgr, had earlier told me that even though I was one of the "older" tenants (since April 2003) there are many who stay here until it's ready to make their, you know, final exit... Maybe this is where I will stay until, forever? I don't know..but it doesn't scare me...I guess that I could live here forever. I just wish that I had a garage!!!

Today I visited a rail trail.bird sanctuary in neighboring Suffield, CT. A man my age on a bicycle chatted/flirted with me for about 5 minutes. Then I went home to prepare for a teeth inspection/cleaning by my dentist who has seen me transtion. We asked each other about our dating lives...

Last Friday my Mom went into the hospital. She might be released tomorrow. This has also been weighing on my mind. I know that some day that she will be gone...

It's been a crazy month with highs and lows!!!

Lately, I completely forget that I am Transgender...suddenly that's not so important lately...

Am I an "Narci?"

Most of us have members of our family who are not at all happy with us. We changed and they do not like it. Like most of us, i have people in my family who will not communicate with me or meet me or even acknowledge me. It's very sad but what are you gonna do about it? C'est la vie.

One of the "non believers" in my family is my oldest sister. Her view is that there is no such thing as Transgender and that I am narcissistic and selfish for doing what I did when I transitioned. Of course she is wrong about there being no such thing as Transgender but I have been thinking lately about the narcissistic element.

A few years ago at a Trans support meeting one girl asked us each to think and say something that might have value to us all. A rather quiet girl who pretty much keeps to herself offered "Listen to people to what they say about you." This has always stuck in my mind.

Sometimes we don't want to hear everything that people say about us. Sometimes it is not good things but sometimes we do need to hear it...

Now back to the narcissistic thing...

There are many definitions of narcissism but I choose this one, " A personality disorder in which a person is so self-absorbed that the needs and feelings of others do not matter." I think that pretty much sums it up in one sentence!

I have been observing people with this definition in mind. Yes, narcissism touches all walks of life and all of us have levels of it but I do see it deeply ingrained in some Transpeeps. I have met folks who are constantly thinking only of themselves and they take offense if you ever disagree with them. It must be their way or no way and forget about the idea of agreeing to disagree.

I have noticed people lashing out at friends when they feel that their world is crumbling or not going their way. There are Transpeeps that will never speak to each again because somehow they felt that their views were attacked and that they did not like it one bit. They probably will never reconcile. C'est la vie.

As far as me being narcissistic....well I have taken about a zillion pics of myself and one of the definitions of narcissism is the love of oneself. In that case I am no doubt, guilty of this definition of narcissism. I do love myself and I believe that this is a good thing. How can you love others if you don't love yourself? Yes, I plead guilty to narcissism by this definition and I stand by it's merits.

But I do not believe that I am "so self-absorbed that the needs and feelings of others do not matter." If this is true please someone tell me but I really don't think it is so. I've always thought about others and tried to please them since I was very young. I quickly learned that if you respect others they will like you and your life will be easier with them. I found that smiling and being happy was generally well accepted by everyone and it worked for me. I still believe this to this day.

I grew up in a house with two sisters and I learned about respecting women. I married and had 3 children and I learned that my needs come last and my families come first. I had 3 little hungry mouths to feed and clothe and love. But when September 11, 2001 came that started me thinking about myself more. I always knew that there was a feminine spirit inside of me that was eager to surface but I stuffed her way down in my soul because I had responsibilities. By 2001 my family was growing (my youngest was then 16) and the awful feeling of knowing that i could die at any minute and go to my grave never, ever exploring who I am scared me. So yes, I did begin thinking of myself but darn it, I am who I am and I need to be me. Stuffing my true self down, down, down way deep in my soul was a lot harder to do now. I knew that time was running out. A month later I turned 50.

Lots of stuff happened, some good,some bad. One of the good was that I finally found my center and found peace in my life. One of the bad is that my ex divorced me and that there are family members who don't want to deal with me. Am I selfish to become who I am? I do still care about my family members and their needs and feelings but they just seem to want to forget about me. I don't know how to get them back unless I detransition back to being male but that is not a real option. I would have to give up my peace and my center. I would be very unhappy and probably eventually look to exit...

I just don't think that I am narcissistic. I've seen the "narci" person operate and I am not like that. My other sister who loves and accepts me also says that i am not like that. I have heard some possible narci things about me from Transpeeps mostly because of my picture takings and my short whimsical statements when someone else is talking but I do remain quiet and listen while someone else is talking. I was called "a spoiled brat" in the past two weeks but it came from a very narcissistic person who spouted off about several of us and there was waaay worse things said about the others.

But I've also gotten comments on how surprised people are when I play guitar and sing. Until they hear me play they think that I am just a person who noodles around but I really can entertain, I don't make a big deal about it. I've also been called pretty and have had lots of nice comments on my body parts but I don't make a big deal about it. I am just me. Yes, I am special but so is everyone else!

I really don't feel the narcissism. I can feel the needs and feelings of others, I listen to others, I compliment others, I do say "I" a lot though!!! Hee hee!!!!

So i do admit to having a level of narcissism but I don't believe that it's bad.As far as my family not accepting me and wanting me to be who they think I should be...maybe they are the ones who are a little too narcissistic????

"What is Truth and Who is the Dreamer?"

About a month ago a friend asked me to joining a Trans website. I checked out the site and I was immediately hit with ads for life like breast forms and articles and books on how to pass as a woman. I think I even saw one that stated that "There is no excuse for not passing as a beautiful woman." Ok, I thought to myself, I've come upon yet another Crossdressing site. Sites like these are wonderful for us girls who are exploring that part of themselves but not so much for us girls who are living full time and are dealing with everyday life. I begrudgingly joined the site and poked around a bit. I did find forums that might answer some of my questions and I did post a few questions and responses. The people were very nice but I didn't really benefit from the exchanges. Then all of a sudden I received an email from a girl who asked me if I gave advice. I responded "What kind of advice are you looking for?" She then told me that she has been CDing for several years now and if I had any tips for her to look better. She then asked me if she passed as a woman....

Ok, I know that she was looking for validation and I could've fudged it a little and told her that she was beautiful etc but I couldn't bring myself to lie to her. Yes, I can tell "white lies" at times but when it comes to genderswitching I find that area too close to me and way too important to just fluff it off and tell people what I think they want to hear. Plus the fact I've always had issues with the concept of passing (like you're a deceiver and you've tricked people! ha ha!) and I really wanted to tell her the truth, the way it really is...

She was a nice looking gal but number one, she did not smile. I don't get why more Transpeeps don't smile especially when they are taking a pic presenting in their preferred/true gender. Smile for the pic, Hon! Number two, she had a rather longish wig on and she was not a young person. Number three, I knew that she desperately wanted to hear nothing but good things. To me, exploring your gender is serious stuff and the truth is the way to go.

But I said all these things rather nicely. I told her that first of all, hardly any of us pass 100% of the time. You can be the most beautiful woman from a face to face encounter but just turn a little bit and suddenly you look not so beautiful. Even the cutest girls will look "questionable" if you see them from several angles, so instead of worrying about passing i told her to just go out, enjoy herself and have fun! Enjoy your new outfit, meet people, dance, dine, chat, laugh and smile! These are the things to dwell on! Don't be nervously, constantly thinking that you don't pass. Be confident, have fun and enjoy life!

I told her that she dresses very nicely. I also told her that a little smile would definitely help when people look at you. I followed that up with "I found that I get Ma'am ed a lot when I wear a shorter style of hair." I tried to make it truthful but positive and fun seeking. She never wrote me back...

Ok, I know a lot of girls don't want to hear what I said. A lot of girls want to be Barbie dolls and be told that they pass and/or that they are sexy, beautiful women but guess what???

I still think using the truth is the way to approach your gender search. Clear the mind of the Barbie doll thoughts and look around at other women your own age. Are they wearing mini dresses? Do their tummies poke out? Are they wearing long wigs? I know that there are always exceptions but realistically the answer is no, no and no... Oh, in the past I wore mini dresses too and age inappropriate wigs but I always saved them for Trannie events where anything goes. In the mainstream public it is a totally different story.

Perhaps i needlessly poke the air out of their tires and ruin their fun. I don't mean to do that at all. I want them to explore life, have fun and hopefully learn a little about themself. When they "Barbie doll up" they draw attention to themselves and sometimes that's not a good thing. Then they ask if they pass...

I don't know, I just don't know...I'm not sure what's going through their minds. Dress sexy, wear long wigs, wear heels and then ask if they pass....and when they don't pass they get irritated, become very self conscious, and some may even become hysterical and lose it.

I've always felt that age old saying fits, "It is what it is." Accept who you are! Being an old unfeminine looking woman is not the worst thing in the world to be! What really counts is your soul, your spirit, your being and finding true peace and happiness! I think so anyway but then again maybe I'm the dreamer.

"Nowhere to Look but Up!!!"

Since just before August began I have gone through a lot of experiences, emotions and thoughts. On August 1st I attended a wedding (yay!), (my third now as Deja, yay!), reunited with an old boyfriend (yay!) , wasn't invited to a family birthday that my Mom went to (ow!), felt worse as my Mom was brought to the event by my ex (ow!) and her new hubby (very big ow!!!), felt separation anxiety as the old boyfriend left (ow!), reconnected with another man (yay!), hung with 3 good friends for a weekend (yay!), went to a nice party (yay!). thought about my future in the family (yay and ow!), thought about my future being with/without somebody (yay!/ow!) had 3 nights of crying (ow!), almost broke down crying at work (ow!), had one night of anger (ow!), saw the fruits of my writing (of my struggles with family and friends acceptance) published (yay and ow!)http://www.therainbowtimesmass.com/ (Click on the underlined hyperlink, click on the blonde gal and scroll to page 6), needed one night to be alone with no human contact (ow!), felt terrible (ow!), felt good (yay!), felt great *yay!), gained more confidence in myself (yay!) and now I'm ready to go at life and enjoy it to the fullest (yaaaaaaayyyyyyy!!!!!) . I never thought that two weeks could be so crazy on me!!! Ride the roller coaster of life, Deja!!!

What it comes down to is that once again I have learned to look at life positively, do not depend on anyone but myself for my happiness and to go out and live and experience and enjoy life!!! Yes, I have always done so since becoming Deja but sometimes I have to relearn it. I know I will relearn it again and again in the future. As long as I can relearn this I will be able to look at life where it meets with truth.

Sometimes truth can get you down. All of a sudden you see your shortcomings, yourself aging, the negative things about yourself etc. Things that you thought were rock solid and all good suddenly are neither. Wham!!! It happens!!! It happens to all of us and we have to deal with it. That's life!!!

I've always tried to see the truth and to be positive. These are my help with which I face the world every day. I also have my smile and my confidence.With these assets I can deal with most anything, but some days are tougher than others. Somedays my smile is absent and my confidence is shaken, truth hits me and leaves me vulnerable and my positivity may retreat for a while, but time heals me and I see things in a new light. Things that seemed huge are suddenly minimal and my assets return in full force. I have been wounded, healed myself, and now am headed out into the world for more!!

I see a lot of people who are steeped in anger and negativity. Some may even try to take my positive energy from me but most are so wrapped up in their own misery that I don't feel their pull to negativity. I try to steer myself to more positive people and feed off them as they do off me. That's how I do it.

I love to live, to love, to smile, to dance, to sing to play my guitar, to write, to share ideas, to laugh, to overcome the bad with the good,even if it's just for a while. A good friend recently told me that even when he gets ill he says to himself, "How can I make this fun?" That is such an outstanding outlook!!! That is sooo precious!!! I love to hear and learn messages such as that!!!

Let's face it, we live, we err, we get hurt, we feel bad, we get better we try again, we learn, we relearn. We've got to keep going and while we are at it why not have fun??? That's how I want to live!! I think that my new mantra is "There's nowhere to look but up!!!"

"Up Close and Personal..."

July is winding down, 2009 is half over. The summer in New England just seemed to get started but it's also been very rainy. Work is perpetually crazy and demanding yet I am thankful to even have a job. I've been in contact with my old boyfriend but this time just as friends and I just received my second letter approving me for GRS. Life seems to be ongoing and flowing as time seems to be passing very quickly!!!

And speaking of quickly, what's been on my mind mostly is my upcoming GRS! I have no date yet as I am still in the process of gathering paperwork, getting my duckies in a row and picking out a surgeon. I narrowed it down to two, Dr Bressard in Montreal and Dr Honig who is very close by (45 minutes!) in Farmington, CT. After flip flopping several times, currently I am leaning towards Dr Honig.

Yes, I know, Dr Bressard is the king of GRS having performed over 2000 procedures and I've personally seen his work up close from friends who have shared. No doubt about it, he's very good!!!

But he is a plastic surgeon. And I have heard some things about his work that has me concerned. Oh, the instances are very few but still they are there.

Dr Honig, on the other hand, is a urologist who specializes in males. This guy knows the ins and outs of the male workings "down under" and he's already done penectomies, orchidectomies and he has had to work with the prostate so he is used to making a canal much like a vaginal canal to get to the prostate. The only thing that he doesn't do is the labiaplasty. He leaves that to a very well locally respected plastic surgeon, Dr Jonathan Schreiber who trained in San Franciso and New York City with some of the top cosmetic surgeons in the world.. Dr Schreiber's technique is to actually pull down the skin from the abdomen and secure it on the labia majora. The result is no marks and a little bit of a "tummy tuck". That sounds like a "win-win" situation and that sounds good to me!!!

Plus I like the fact that both of these doctors are within minutes of me!!!

So I am getting my paperwork together and I will submit it to Dr Honig. My insurance from work will actually cover my GRS which is awesome!!! But then again, it is insurance and it will take time to process things as, you know, insurance does...

It will be nice to have a vagina and a clitoris though!!!

Yes, I know, my earlier blog posts from the past few years always took a "not for me" stance on GRS and once again I have flipped-flopped just as I did with electrology, going on hormones and transitioning. In earlier times I was firmly against each of these feminizing procedures. One by one, I relinquished my original position and eventually took up the polar opposite of each "no." I have thought long and hard over these issues and with each one I have finally felt secure in my "opposite" decisions. I know that I am not like most Trans who just seem to dive into everything right away and all at once. I did a step by step slow progression. But then again I've always been like that in anything that I ever did. I was always the last person to "dive into the lake", "take that first drink", or "go out dressed in public." Maybe I'm afraid, maybe I am concerned or maybe I just didn't feel safe doing these "new" things. I much preferred to watch others and see how they dealt with these situations. When I finally got the nerve or confidence to do these new things then I usually embraced them wholeheartedly.

There were a few things that I never tried nor ever wanted to try such as driving a motorcycle, firing a gun, lift weights, gamble or even wanting a showgirl to dance for me when I was out "with the guys" and they were all gung ho to watch the ladies dance. Put yer dollar down and watch the show!!! Me? I would talk to the girls and maybe even dance with them in a very non sexual way. I guess that I didn't make a very good male who likes engine noises, guns, bodybuilding and objectifying women. Now i am digressing, sorry,...back to the point...

But I really do finally want a vagina and clitoris now!!! It's time!!! I know it is!!! I need them to continue my life. I want to finally change all of my legal documents to "female". They're about half and half now. Legally I guess that currently I am both male or female depending on what form you are referring to... But with a surgeon's letter I will be able to change them all!!! Yay!!!

And there will be no more uncomfortable, sweaty tucking!!! Yay!!! It's funny, but after I tuck i immediately forget about even having a penis and scrotum and it doesn't even cross my mind until I go to the bathroom when I pull my panties down and"thud" they they are. Oh yeah, i forgot that I still have these...

I will also be able to "receive" which has always been a dream of mine. I want to be entered in that way...

So I am sorry for getting up close and personal but then again what do you really expect a Transwoman to think about when she is thinking about GRS???


So time is passing and life is flowing and I'm ready to take on my last physically feminizing step. That is unless I opt for FFS or breast augmentation or....on and on... No. I think that I shall stop with GRS. But then again I now know never to say never.....

"Pride Thoughts and Trans Life Thoughts"

June, 28, 2009 was the New York City Pride parade 2009. It was the 40th anniversary of the Stonewall riots which jolted the Gay movement. We've come a long way since June 1969 but we still have a ways to go.

I've always loved the Pride parades and I go to as many of them as I can. This year I marched in Northampton, Massachusetts, Boston, Massachusetts and now New York City. These were all great events and I always cherish being a marcher in all of them.

I have trouble with understanding why others don't like to march in Pride parades. I think they are wonderful reminders of how we have grown from the painful, confusing, shameful, suppressing closets to being open and free and living life as we really should have from the beginning. It is such a joyous occasion to march in a parade and shout "I am who I am and I am proud of myself!!!" To see others feeling the same thing is a wonderful experience! It is sooo empowering and it gives me sooo much peace in my soul. I love these feelings and I look forward to them every time I march.

But not everyone shares my enthusiasm in marching in Pride parades. I guess that I have to accept that we are all different and that expressing joy in a parade is not even on the minds of most of the Transgender community. I find that curious and rather sad...

I try to figure out and understand the reasons that most Trans do not march. I know that some folks are trying to live in stealth and don't even want to be connected with us who are open and proud. I know that some folks are disabled and there's no way that they can march. I know that some folks are just plain shy and they do not want to be in the "public eye". I also know that some Trans do not want to be associated with Gays because of either being scared of being labelled Gay themselves or that they don't trust the Gays politically. There are some of the reasons that I think I've figured out. I'm sure there are more...

Whatever the reason(s), i wonder if these aforementioned people feel good about themselves and proud of being who they are? I realize that you don't need a Pride to feel good about yourself but let me tell you, it definitely helps! All through the parades the themes of "Be yourself", "Be Proud", "Be at peace with yourself" and other themes are shared by everyone in the parade and all the spectators of the parade. It's just a great sense of a huge, positive community!!!

I also like to march to show others what Trans looks like. Face it, most of us are in the closet so the only references we get are crazy talk shows and scary movies and arrest stories that the press uses for "sideshow" purposes to sell their papers.

But when they see us in the parade then they may realize that we are all not crazy and unbalanced, or psychotic killers or crazy criminals who were arrested while "dressing in the clothes of the opposite sex." They can see that we are everyday, normal, boring people just like everyone else!

Besides the Pride parades I also live openly as Trans. I believe that this helps our cause by showing that I am a neighbor, a coworker, a family member, a friend, a community member, a real person with real wants and needs. This will help non Transpeeps to understand us a little better and back us when we ask for the same rights everyone else has.

I know that it is not easy to live openly. I live it. The stares, the wrong pronouns, the refusal to accept us, the refusal to respect us and ultimately, us being marginalized... But who said life was ever fair? We have to meet these challenges every day and show the world that we are real, decent human beings and that we are just as much a part of this world as anyone!

So I live openly. I march in Pride parades. I want to change the world but I realize that it starts with small steps at a time before we are accepted as "normal" into society. I know that we will get there but as I stated before, we still have a long ways to go.

"Who Am I?"

"Who am I?" Did you ever ask yourself "Who am I?" Try asking yourself that. Then ask it again and again and again.

I found that question with many other questions on an empowering questions video on the net. The questions were pretty interesting but this by far is my favorite one "Who am I?"

Everyone should ask themselves this question over and over and over again. It's probably the most important question to ask yourself. It's especially important to me Especially because I am Transgender.

You might start answering that question with other questions, what do I do, who do I love, what do I say, how do I react to things, what do i love, what makes me happy, what makes me sad etc. Or you could try to describe yourself. You could describe yourself physically, or mentally or spiritually. Or you could focus on your dreams, your thoughts your words, your actions. There are many ways to think about who you are.

My first answer to this "Who Am I?" question is "I am Deja." Not only do I mean this literally, as in this is my name, but I also mean it in describing who I am, what my thought processes are, what kind of a person I am, what i do (not as a profession but as what I do in life as I live everyday) what makes me tick, why I smile frequently, why I laugh several times throughout the day. All these things make up me, who I am. Deja to me is more than a word, it is a way of life. It is the way of my life.

I got off on this provocative question because I was thinking of my life and since I'm Transgender, the lives of others who are Transgender. When you are Transgender eventually there will eventually come the questions of should I transition, am I ok with where I am now, am I not ok with where I am now, would it be better to transition, would it be better if I didn't transition? How about, would I stay the same even if I transitioned???

I have seen many people transition and a lot have shown great happiness when they transitioned. But I have also seen not so happy people who have transitioned. And then there are the ones who were originally happy and then somehow lost their happiness.

I've seen a lot of folks rush into transitioning with electrolysis, laser, hormones, and body modifications. It was almost like they were on a high with all the new changes and then when they went as far as they could, the high somehow got lost. I've heard several people say that after all the changes and the transition that's when the hard part begins. I think what they are speaking of is that's when a lot of folks start asking that question "Who am I?" It's funny because one would think that that should be the first question to consider when one is thinking of transitioning but in a lot of cases i don't think it was. I have seen sooo many girls just focusing on what they have to do to become women that they never really explore who they really are. It's only after the transition fact that the "who am I" truly hits them. Maybe that's why they lose their smile. That's what I suspect anyway.

Myself, I've gone, comparatively to most, incredibly slow in my transition and I'm still not done yet. And all the while I've kept my smile. I think it's because I've always asked who I was again and again and again. I still ask myself today and I'm still smiling. I'll continue to ask myself and I'm betting that I will still be smiling. This might be why I am so different from the majority of Transfolk. I was more concerned in who I was rather than what I must do to become a woman.

Looking back throughout my life I've never felt that I really "fit in" like I imagined others did. Being young and Trans I knew that i felt different from the other little boys. When I reached high school age I didn't rush to date the girls. I didn't lose my virginity until after age 21. I always felt uncomfortable in "locker room talk". I've always disliked the phrase "the opposite sex". It wasn't until I was married and became a dad when I started to feel like I "fit in" but still then I was secretly dreaming of being female.

When I finally sought Trans support groups I never felt a connection to what the others were going through whether they were transitioning or being fine with CDing. I thought that I was beginning to be fine with CDing but then I realized that it was much deeper. I fought off electro and then I fought off hormones. Then I fought off transitioning and until late last year I fought off seriously thinking of surgery. No one I know has taken so long, gone so slowly and fought every inch of the way. But that is who I am.

I am a very cautious person who took her transition one step at a time and with month/years in between steps. Some may say it's denial but i think it's just who I am.

Now I am transitioned almost a year and a half ago and now I am getting my ducks in a row for my bottom surgery. Yes, it was a long time coming but then again so is realizing who you are.

So I will continue to ask myself who I am and I think the answer will always be "Deja" (thought the concept of Deja may change) and I believe that I will always be smiling. It's just who I am.

Stained Glass Windows and Love and Kindness

The pic is from the National Cathedral in Washington, DC, USA. This piece is called the "Rose Window" and was designed and built by Rowan LaCompte.

I was on my way home from a nice breakfast at my local Panera cafe while I was listening to NPR and heard Mr LaCompte's story. This man started at age 16 in his field of painting and architecture and the like. His works include 45 stained glass windows and 6 mosaic murals in the National Cathedral. As I listened to the NPR interview I was struck by his religious views.

The NPR reporter had stated that it suddenly occured to him how Rowan's works caught the awe and the religious sense of most everyone who viewed the works. The awe and sense that most people felt was that of God. The reporter then asked Mr LaCompte if he believed in God. His answer was "I believe in love and kindness and if that is what God is then I am delighted." Rowan then added about his thoughts of hopes for an afterlife and to see all the people who he loved dearly but had died, especially his brother and his mother whom he called the most loving and kind person in the world.

Further into this short interview Mr, LaCompte wished that the churches and religions of today would show love and kindness to everyone and not spend their time yelling at people and telling them that they would go to hell. Touche, Mr LaCompte!!!

At the end of the interview a story was told about the ladies who give the tours of the Cathedral. You see, Mr Lacompte's stained glass windows and the power of the sun passing through them would cast colorful lights inside of the cathedrals. One day a 5 year old girl had found this big red circle inside the cathedral and was happily dancing in it. The guides asked her what she was doing. The little girl said "I have found the end of the rainbow!" Indeed she had!

"Choices???"

March 31, 2009 - Tuesday

It's Tuesday night, I am tired and I know that I'm fighting a cold or something. I took a nap at lunch today and when I got home from work I dozed off for 1/2 hour. My body is telling me to rest. I really don't want to rest but I think that at this point I have no choice.

Having a choice. Now there are some words. And having no choice is another set of words.To be able to choose between two or more things may be great or it may be confusing, especially if when you choose one option you cannot have the other options. Ya better really think that one over!

Having no choice can be really bad or really good depending on what the circumstances and outcomes are. To be deprived of something you want is awful. But then again if you have no choice then you don't have to think about it. You know what you have and you live with it. Sometimes when I listen to non Trans people talking about us Trans folk they sometimes view our lives as a matter of choices. You chose to be a woman. You chose to have electrolysis, You chose to go on hormones. You chose to have your bottom surgery. I think they think it's like you are in a "Transgender" store and you push your little cart down the different Transgender aisles and "Choose" the products, processes and outcomes that you want. "Look, here's a good deal on electrolysis! Wait, here's laser!" "Ooooh, hormones! I loooove these hormones!". Whoah! The heavy duty stuff, bottom surgery! Maybe not now but later." You fill your cart with the products that you have "chosen" and you head for the checkout line....When you are done shopping then you are a woman! If you aren't done shopping then you stay in that Transgender store or go back to it again and again in a kind of a state of limbo...

Everybody has their own stories and views. Here is mine. First, I didn't choose to be a woman, I just am one. Yes I chose to pursue steps to physically become a woman because I want my body to match my mind and spirit. It's not like I was a man and then decided to become a woman which I think is the way most non Transpeeps think when they think about a person such as moi. Yes, I did "play the part" of a man and I might have done a good job of it but I was always thinking about being a woman. Always.

I would be driving my family on vacation or on a trip somewhere and all the time I am driving I am thinking of being a woman. When I went to dressy summer functions I would look at the ladies in their little spaghetti strap tops and heeled sandals and their cute dress/outfits and be sooo jealous as I wore a stupid suit and tie and goofy shoes. And every single time I made love to my wife I would fantasize that I was the woman engaging in sex. It was sooo confusing for me physically living one life and secretly living another way, way deep down in my soul where no one else ever went but me. Let me ask you, do you think that I chose this life? Who in their right mind would "choose" to live like this???

You finally get to a point where you can't take it anymore, You finally accept who you really are and you deal with it. This is why I have taken steps to physcially alter my body and reform it into a more feminine shape. Did I choose to do this? Yes, I chose to do something about my predicament. but did I choose to be like this??? Yes, I chose electrolysis but I wanted to get rid of my facial hair. It's incredibly awful to see those #$% beard hairs grow back every single #$% day. Did I choose to hate those hairs? Yes, I opted to take hormones but when you hate your manly body and want desperately to change it that is what you must do. You really don't have any choice.

Now I am closing in on getting my bottom surgery. After 2+ years on hormones my penis still somewhat works but it just doesn't belong anymore. I've finally unleashed my deeply buried sexuality and it's not manly at all. I want a vagina and a clitoris. It's getting to the point that I have to have it. What kind of man "chooses" to remodel his penis into a vagina??? Not too many to my knowledge. It's not because we "choose" to have bottom surgery it's because we really have no choice. I want my vagina and my clitoris and I am waaay done with my penis and my testicles. It really isn't a choice...

So getting back to choices and no choices, being Trans I've learned a lot about these phrases and their ideas and thoughts. And you never really know what "choices", if any, someone else has or what they are going through or what they are carrying around deep in their soul.

With that thought I choose to rest and go to sleep. But wait, do I really even have a choice on that???

"What's It Like Being Normal?"

"What's It Like Being Normal???"

Current mood:impervious

Category: Life

It's been quite a week once again. Work is just sucking the life right out of me but at the same time I should be happy that I have a job and i should be ecstatatic that my employer accepts and totally backs my transition to female. On one hand I am at my wit's end with the craziness of my job and on the other hand I have been working with Love Makes A Family (the major political group who fought tres hard for same sex marriage in Connecticut and now for Transgender rights in Connecticut) telling the world how awesome my employer is (and they truly are!!! Yay, 3M!!!). Yet still I am living "La Vida Loca" in the business world and it sure beats the soul out of me!!!! The demands are not modest by any means!!!!....

Like Pink says in "Who Knew", "When someone says count your blessings now, before they're long gone..." I should be thankful for my extremely good fortune. But I guess, like Pink, that I don't know how...

This is a recurring theme in my life. I had a wonderful family with 3 children and a loving wife. Now it's gone. I was gigging regularly for decades with a decent rock band, now it's over. I had a wonderful summer romance last year with a very nice, intelligent gentleman, now that's done with. I just don't know. I don't intend to self destruct but life is sure tossing me some tough lessons as I look back at my life.

I actually have a very nice life. A job, a place to live by myself, a decent car and nice friends and a nice smile but I always seem to be searching for more. That's a good thing and it's a bad thing... It's wonderful to want to improve your life but it's tragic to not fully appreciate what you have. I find that balance hard to maintain and understand...

Oh, I can do it on the outside but it tears me up on the inside. I see my life slipping by, day by day, but at the same time I truly do stop to smell the flowers and I look up at the sky everyday/night and I view the sun, the stars, the clouds and the birds and it truly lifts me to heights that I know that most people wouldn't comprehend but then I look for what i would like and I see a disconnect...

Many events in my life are like what I just described. I would receive an honr from an organization but I could never thoroughly enjoy it. I was gven a few Transgender awards but because of circumstances beyond my control I was not present at the time to actually accept them and relish them. I had a love from a man and I let it slip by. And when i received an award from work late last year I brought it home to no one. I couldn't share my accomplishments and joy with anyone....

So my life seems to be charmed and yet cursed at the same time. I am truly blessed in many ways yet somehow I am always prevented from fully enjoying the moment...I guess that it's just my lot in life...

But still I am Deja and I am sooo proud of myself and what I've accomplished in my life...I will continue to find my small joys in life!!!...

And yet I am saddened by the forces of life seemingly refusing to let me have that joy for long....

So I keep going and I experience life like we all do. I keep on doing it. And if I can get some good feelings I will take them! But somehow life always pulls me back down to "reality"... Maybe it's just part of the deal being Transgender... you finally get to be your true self but very few share your joy...or even understand you...

Anyway, the pic is my sister and I last Sunday just before going to my Mom's house to orchestrate a birthday party for my wonderful sister, Patti. Yes, it was at my Mom's house but I brought the wine, the b-day cake and bought the pizza and the spirit to celebrate my dear sister's birthday. I took and emailed pics of the party to my children and my sister and my neice and my other sister, Patti gave me the credit for pulling the whole thing together. Now that was awesome!!! Thank you. Patti!!! A nice memory indeed...

And I thank all my friends who read my blog writings. Today I've noticed that there are over 1000 views on my myspace blog...thank you, my friends!!! My Yahoo 360 has over 26,000 hits and I thank all of them also!!! MWAH!!! Blogger???, Well, that's another story!!!

So my life is really very nice and I love living my life!!! I will continue to live and love and be happy until I die!!! And maybe then I will die with a big smile on my face!!!! Darn it!!! I am Deja and I refuse to be sad for long!!!!

"Lights! Spring! Transactivism!"

It's finally Spring! Yay!!! The flowers are coming, the leave on the trees will soon grow, the sun will become warm, all will be right again!!!
There's also Transactivism in the air! In Connecticut this past Thursday there was a hearing on the Trans rights bill. I didn't attend but I did submit "my story" via email late Wednesday night. It was to be read on Thursday during the CT legislative session. Earlier in the week on Tuesday, St Paddy's Day, I was at Love Makes a Family, the group that was largely responsible for making same sex marriage legal in CT. LMF was filming me and my positive story of transitioning at my workplace. This filming was to be a vehicle to help people understand the needs for Trans rights. LMF is now supporting Trans rights. Yay!!! It's nice to have an established ally on our side!
Last night I picked up Keri and Ann and we headed off to Pittsfield, Massachusetts where Justin Adkins and Gunner Scott hosted an MTPC, Massacusetts Transgender Political Coalition, meeting. Gunner has the MTPC thing going on in Boston and Justin wants to start a branch for the western MA Transfolk. MTPC is working for Trans rights in MA.
So my Transactivist streak has been turned on lately. I'm even considering NCTE Lobby Days in DC in late April, I've lobbied a few times before in Washington, DC and it's quite an empowering experience.
Just a few short years ago I was hopelessly lost in the closet. At the same time the Trans rights groups were also in a kind of closet. Oh, they were out there doing their thing but their efforts weren't really known to the world, even the Transgender world. But now things seem to be wide open. There are Transpeeps visible everywhere and the lobbying efforts are solidifying and there is a very good chance that we can make some real legislative headway this year. The whole Transgender movement seems to have come out of the closet and into being a viable, known force in the political world! The times they are a changin!!!
So Spring is in the air, there's Transactivism everwhere, I'm smiling and energized as my pic above shows. This was taken last Thursday at Real Art Ways in Hartford, CT. It was a piece called "A Thought at the Edge of a Continent". I liked the piece and I considered it a playground for the mind. Besides I like lights!!!

"Welcome Back to Transland and Male Attention..."

It's been quite a week. Physically I didn't do much but mentally I have been all over the place. It's been about a month since I've been in contact with the Trans community and I ran into it full force this past week. And maybe it's something in the air, but I have been hit on by several men via internet dating venues this past weekend.

First the Trans re-entry. Early in the week, I reunited with my very good friend Keri who was away with her wife on a deep Caribbean vacation. Keri told me about the events on her cruise and then we got into Trans related issues.Lately I've been reading Julia Serano's "Whipping Girl" and I came upon Julia's take on "passing". Julia doesn't like the concept of "passing" because the underlying tone of the word implies that we are "fooling" someone or "tricking" them into believing that people like us "really are women". Passing makes us seem like deceivers...

Personally I think that passing should be a Crossdresser word. You know, a man who likes to dress and go out in public. When they are mistaken for women I would say that they pass.The word works fine there.

But when you come to us who have transitioned then passing really loses it's meaning. How can you "pass" as a woman if you really are a woman? When you are in your correct gender there is no "pass" or even "fail" You just simply are you!!! I believe that passing has no meaning in a transitioned person's vocabulary.

From Thursday on I was hit with lots of Trans contact. Thursday was a support group meeting which focused on religion and being Trans. That a potentially explosive subject but everyone was very polite with their differences. It was very respectful and we did go onto other subjects without incident.

On Fri/Sat a Trans girl I haven't seen in a while told me that she was coming out at work and asked me for any tips. At first I was congratulating her and giving her my take on what to wear and the bathroom issue and the wrong pronouns issue but as I re read her email I thought that I picked up some doubt in her own words. Then i questioned her and told her to pursue these issues with her therapist. We had several emails back and forth and I'll think she'll be ok. I just wanted to make sure that she was ready and that it was the right time for her to transition.

Saturday brought me to a therapist visit. A couple of months ago I had taken a rather short test and the results finally came back. The results showed that I am neither male nor female. Also my therapist had a separate chart that divided all Transpeople into about 5 or 6 categories. Not surprisingly, I didn't completely fit into any one category. I've always felt different from anybody since I can remember and I've never felt exactly like any other Transperson that I've ever met. The chart thingie proved that. The other test I just dismissed. My therapist kinda did too. The test was originally set up to test heterosexual men who were having possible gender conflicts. I really don't see myself as a heterosexual man. I used to up until about five years ago but now I see myself as a heterosexual female who "Minors in Lesbianism".

My therapist also let me quickly take the Doctor Doctor test (Yes, apparently there is a Doctor whose last name is Doctor!!!). This test was clearly a test to see if a person is a Crossdresser of some sort. I quickly read the questions aloud and answered each one aloud. Not surprisingly I "failed" the Crossdresser test.

Saturday night was another Trans support meeting. This particular support group has a wide spectrum of Transpeople from very closeted Crossdressers to Transitioned Transwomen. It's a wonderful group and there is a pleasant aura during the meetings. We may all be at different places on the gender line but we all know that the valuable asset to have is self acceptance no matter where you are on that line.

Now to the resurgence of male attention in my life...

Friday night my last summer romance man called and we chatted for hours just like the old days. It was wonderful conversing again and then that dreaded low battery sound hit my cell phone. When I heard it I told him that he was going to lose me soon and then the talk quickly turned to how much we miss each other. Before we really got into expressing our feelings my phone battery died...

Saturday morning suddenly brought several emails from several men who wanted to meet me. After questioning each man on what they wanted in a relationship three of them admitted that they just wanted sex. Scratch those 3!!!!

Now I am "down" to 4 men who claim that they want to meet me and if things are right, possibly have a relationship. Currently I have dates with two of them and the other two haven't come up with a firm date yet. They may never do so. And the ones who have set their date with me may or not show up. I know this from past history from dealing with other men and I always email the man a day or two before the date to see if we are still on. But even if the dates don't happen I still enjoyed the male attention even if it's only for a brief while. I know that it's a line but still it is nice to be called beautiful and pretty and for a man to comment on how he likes my profile makes me smile. Especially if he comments on something in my profile. That means that he actually read my profile and likes my words! Yay!!!

But I don't have high expectations. As always I try to be realistic as I do in every facet of my life. I just try to make the best of what I have and to try to keep my positive attitude. And my smile...I love my smile and I never want to lose it, never...

my last 2 posts on myspace and yahoo 360

February 11, 2009 - Wednesday
"The 2009 Hartford Vaginas and Moving on..." Current mood: awake

Last weekend I performed, once again, in the Hartford Vagina Monologues. It was fun, as always and it was a nice respite from my job which is getting worse and worse. It's not just me, it's getting worse for everyone at my workplace. But 'nuff said about my workplace woes!!!!

Except for a brief appearance at a Super Bowl party (2 hrs anyway) and a night of Madonnathon at Mohegan Sun Casino I have not seen or spoke with any other Transpeople for just about a month. It's cold and snowy here in Connecticut and people are just staying in, (so far it's been a pretty bad winter here in the Northeast), and folks are just plain avoiding the unpleasant winter weather.

A late January storm canceled a Trans meeting and my very good friend took a cruise with her wife so I have just been going alone in this big world by myself for a few weeks. And you know what? It's not so bad! A lot of my time was used up by VM practice and the shows. I was the only Transperson there this year so I just kinda melted in with the other females. It was nice spending evenings with 30 other women. Actually I got very used to it and now that the Hartford VMs are over I feel a little empty without my new found friends. Actually we all are feeling a little blue and there's already several emails of meeting in the summer when the weather is much nicer. This particular group of "Vaginas" became really close this year, more so than usual. The spirits present this year were more connected than in the previous years.. Yes, I was hangin' with the genetic girls! And with me not talking to other Transpeeps for about a month I kinda found a place in the "outside" world and my thoughts turned to different avenues.

I actually felt a disconnect from the Trans world and a stronger than ever connection to the big "outside" world. It doesn't feel so outside as it used to! Except for Cate, my work buddie who carpooled with me every Vagina night there was no Trans talk at all, and Cate just asked me some basic questions as she never knowingly met a Transwoman before. But even that was very brief and most of our conversations were about non Trans subjects. I felt really comfortable with myself and even stopped thinking of myself as Trans!

One night last week, after I got home, I suddenly became furious with the thought that I wasn't born with a vagina. I felt cheated and robbed of growing up as a girl. S'funny, whenever anyone would ever ask me if i could go back to any age I've always said "Two!!! I would like to be a two year old girl and live my life all over again!!!" Well, last week I finally met the pain of being denied my girlhood. I was angry for about 20 minutes. Then I realized that I couldn't do anything about it now so I was resigned to the fact that I never had my girlhood. I never got a chance to grow up as a girl and if i ever even thought about it back then I was sooo confused and sooo ashamed to even be thinking about it!!! It was truly denial first class!

And it was a very painful feeling and tears soon took my anger's place. I sobbed for a while that night... I saw G for the first time this year just last night and I told her about this instance. She told me that I was greiving the loss of my childhood, my female childhood that I never had. She was right...

I think that I've gone to another level in my life struggle with gender. It almost feels funny labeling myself as Transgender anymore. I'm even having second thoughts about introducing myself as Transgender now. And I was such a proud "Out and About" Transperson even just a few weeks ago!!! My thoughts have shifted and I suddenly feel completely different about myself. I think that I am growing into who I am... Maybe it was my Vagina buddies, maybe it was a month without Transpeople or maybe it was just about time that this happened....Welcome to another chapter of life, Ms Deja Nicole...
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January 26, 2009 - Monday
"Don't Get Discouraged!!!..." Current mood: contemplative Category: Life

Sometimes it feels like life is just giving you annoying little troubles one after another. It's certainly not enough to drive one over the edge but it sure can stop your smile for a while. We all have our things to deal with and we all have our lives to live. Sometimes it may be easy to get caught up in the negativity and seemingly hopelessness of certain situations but we must always remember to stand tall against these little drawbacks and deal with them. We should examine these instances and hopefully learn something from them and don't let them drag us down. It's part of life, a not so nice part, but a very real part...

So we have to learn to take the bad with the good. To wait out the bad times and to relish the good times even more when it's their turn. It's easy to not fully enjoy the good times but when you have been on a downer streak and then the good times suddenly pop in your life you should be ready to rejoice and hold on to those wonderful up moments!!! Even if it's only a smile from a stranger or reassurance from a friend, or a nice story, a pretty painting, a moving musical piece, a silly joke, a hug, a kiss, you know the stuff that makes life worth living!!! You know, the warm, satisfying smiley feel good times!!!

It's easy to be a little blue on a cold, dark, winter Monday night. The joys of the past weekend have vanished except for memories and the week ahead looks like more cold, more dark and more blue. But as the week moves on I find new energy as the weekend approaches. The weekend for me is a time where I can relax and have some fun. It's a time for me and darn it, I deserve that "me" time after a week of not so nice times. Oh, the week isn't all bad, there are some very nice instances throughout but the strain of everyday duties does wear one down. Hallelujah for the weekend!!!

It's really all how you look at things and how you feel about them. I try to minimize the bad parts and play up the good parts as much as I can. These are the things I do to keep myself happy. Oh, it's nice when it comes effortlessly but there are those times when I truly have to work at it! They say that happy people don't really have better lives than others, they just know how to get to that happy place and to not dwell on the unhappy place. Tricks like surrounding yourself with things that are positive and that make you happy (thx, Jazzi!) or making some quality time for yourself where you can enjoy music or the arts or sharing time with a loved one.!!!

There are also hobbies and pursuing new interests, you know, learning about new things (and this world sure does have them!!!), writing, chatting, dancing, singing, playing sports, dreaming about a wonderful vacation spot, or just a good old back rub or hot bath are calming, wonderful ideas to get to that happy place. Life is full of ups and downs. There are the exciting moments, the joyous moments, the estatic moments and then there are the sad moments of deaths, loss and rude awakenings. It's all part of the same package. We all have the same basic things to go through with and deal with. You can't let the bad stuff get you down. "Don't get discouraged." is the advice that my Mom always gives me. And darn it, I will not get discouraged! Oh, I will be sad when the time comes and I will cry and I will feel unhappy when the blue times come but I will also be ready for the sunny, happy times too!

Hey! This is my life and I am going to have my share of happiness as well as my share of unhappiness!

There truly is a time and a season for everything!
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